Last Day

Just finished putting the final (possibly) application of the wart cream on. I have an appointment to go back to the clinic on Thursday (stupidly I accepted the first offer and have to be there at 9am—not a good time for someone who has trouble maintaining a regular sleep routine). 

The cream has worked well. The two major areas, the large growth on the head of the penis and the stripe on the foreskin, have decreased in size. The stripe less so, but there is still time. Learnt a few things. I thought warts were solid and smooth, rather than squiggly and sponge-like. Putting the cream on with a cotton bud/q-tip makes it easier to pin point where the cream goes (then I have to roll my foreskin back over it and it ends up spreading anyway). The government are tossers for not approving HPV vaccines for men, even just men who don't have sexual contact with women and thus don't get whatever magical benefit is supposed to arise from that. I might not get cervical cancer from having this, but it's been like 6 months of pain and irritation. 

Now that the warts have reduced in size, freezing them might be an option again. It's mean to be better for smaller warts, and it is only mildly uncomfortable for a short while. Unlike the cream that causes painful immune reactions on any healthy skin it touches, and happens to be touching some of the most sensitive skin on my body. I welcome getting my crotch frozen at this point. 

Have a sex drive again too, which was lacking before. It's not exactly been great having it back. I should have learnt another thing, that wanking might feel nice now but just leads to pain afterwards. But its return is good for other reasons (not being too depressed to have an interest in sex, etc.) even if I'm not quite ready to do anything about it. 

Not ready, but I would like to. I could probably work something out. One of those "you don't touch me, I just suck you off" deals where I get to keep my clothes on. Getting fucked while mostly dressed with the top not messing around with my junk. I would settle for making out and over-the-clothes petting and groping (and maybe some of the first idea). I just wouldn't want to get into explanations about why my clothes are staying on. 

But if someone is offering to suck your dick without anything in return, are there going to be that many men who push the issue? It was my understanding that men generally liked that arrangement. 

(While I haven't been the biggest fan of receiving oral so far in my life, I wouldn't mind that as long as I got to kiss as well. But that's basically my stance for anything remotely sexual, and even not very sexual. I just like making out and I miss it after half a year without.)

Status Update

Spent about 5 minutes stood over the sink watching blood pouring from the largest of the warts after washing it. I'm not bothered about the sight of a lot of blood, and am more happy to see that it's gradually falling apart. But continual bleeding is an inconvenience, so I'm hoping it won't keep doing that.

There are two small patches that have gone sore and blistered. So I will stop using it on the smaller warts until it clears. If it isn't better by Thursday then I might go to the GUM clinic again to get it checked out first before using it on the rest.

In the meantime, it itches all the time and I keep thinking it might start bleeding if the foreskin rubs it too much.

I have managed to have a wank for the first time in a while. Don't know if that was such a good idea all things considered, but it was nice at the time. Except now I want to do it again but really can't right now.

Last night I saw bits of the biggest wart peeling off as I washed it and thought to myself, "fuck, yes!" Normally seeing scales of your flesh coming off your body, and especially an area like that, would be a worrying sight. But after months of watching my dick mutating into a sexually-unusable eyesore, seeing flakes of this bastard disappearing is fine by me. One of the smaller ones has lost most of its mass in the middle, it's just a few bumps around the edge now. Which means that something is working. I'm not really sure if that's a common thing with warts. I've never even had one anywhere else on my body. Got a brilliant spot for my first time. 

I hope and pray almost every spare minute that this treatment will be the one to end it. It stings when I pee because of the piss touching the foreskin, which had gotten really sore just where it would hurt the most when I pee. I could retract my foreskin, but that hurts to. Walking hurts because my cock rubs against my clothes. If I turn onto my stomach while trying to sleep, that hurts too. Sometimes just sitting down starts to hurt and I don't know why. Getting a random erection? Hurts as well. Forget using it to do anything sexual, which is simply a masochistic exercise in seeing how much pain I can endure. So it's no fun these days. 

I wish I was back in the days when the only thing stopping me from having sex was a crippling shyness and poor self esteem. At least I could pee without pain back then. 

Now I'm going to put on today's and hope for miraculous recovery, or failing that a bit less pain and discomfort. 

5 months later, I'm still dealing with these warts. I've started on the cream (Aldara) again, which is starting to hurt again. I don't think I've been using too much this time, but then maybe it's just because I have a lot of areas to treat now. It ends up going on the interior foreskin afterwards, which is bad since that's sensitive. I use it on Thursday, Saturday, and Monday nights so I'm on my two day break right now. I'm hoping it will stop hurting by tomorrow.

Can't even remember the last time I had a wank, because mostly it is just painful and wanking is basically like scratching it. Which I assume isn't helpful (is it ever?), but sometimes it's difficult not to.

I am finding it remarkably easy avoiding situations that might lead to someone wanting to have sex with me, but that has come at the expense of not trying to meet any new and skipping social events. Most of which involve spending the whole night out, which I'm just not feeling like right now. Being reclusive isn't good, but I can use the time to get some work done or accomplish other things. I need to lose weight to be able to fit into my suit for job interviews, for one thing. Which would have the added benefit of losing weight and thus being more attractive in the eyes of wider society.

I went to the GUM clinic last Monday and got the all clear to start using this wart cream again, but it wasn't until Friday that I actually did. Right amount this time, although I almost absentmindedly put a second coat on. It's been itching since then, which I'm hoping is a sign it is working again. Because there are more there now. For something that is meant to clear up on its own, it's just doing the exact opposite. 

Being in a bit of a slump lately. Not felt like doing much, missed a bunch of things, delayed stuff I should have done earlier (like using the cream again). Not answered phone calls or emails. Not done a whole lot of anything, to be honest. 

I'm lying awake in bed, at 7 in the morning unable to sleep, glancing at a shelf I started tidying about two weeks ago. It's not been touched since. It's a pretty fitting metaphor for how I'm feeling about life right now. A mess of things that need either sorting out or throwing out that I have procrastinated on doing anything about. 

I've reconsidered the idea of getting back on things like Scruff. I'm not sure I really want that business in my life at the moment. I think I'd rather work on some other personal stuff first. (Also there are still lumps growing on my penis, so I'm not feeling all that attractive right now.)

I did make some efforts to get things done. I made some phone calls I needed to make, only to find out both people were on leave at the same time. I went out a few weekends back after not getting out much. The night was okay at the end, but it started awkwardly. The plan was to have a sort of picnic/BBQ in a park. Which lead to sitting on the grass while other people spoke.

"You're so quiet."

If I had a dollar (or more usefully a pound) for every time this has been said to me, I would be in a lot better state financially than I am now. I would have gotten a fair bit of money that afternoon alone. I know that I am too quiet in big social events. There were about 9 people there that day, three I hadn't met before and a few I knew casually, and four I knew better. But one of those was T.N. who I find hard to talk to no matter the situation, so that wasn't much help for me. And being in such a big group, I tend not to participate much. I sit back and listen. I think too much about what I might want to say, then too much time has passed and I think that I can't say it now. I did try, mind you, on a couple of occasions. But it didn't necessarily work out how I'd hoped. (Talked over, not making myself heard, etc.)

But there were a couple of times when people got up and moved about. Which at one point, left me sitting alone. Something I have noticed about myself is that in unfamiliar surroundings or situations where I might be feeling nervous or anxious, I keep myself glued to one spot. 

When I stayed the night at one of T.S.'s friend's flat, I spent that morning and afternoon sat on the sofa until everyone moved to another room. When I saw him again months later and spent the night at his house, I did the same thing again. I slept with a couple and stayed the night and most of the next day there (I can't remember if I wrote about them specifically, though I did mention this session briefly here, so not sure if they have a little code; I guess I will go with M&V), but I stayed parked on the sofa the whole entire time. Because the thought of getting up and interacting made me feel too anxious to do anything. I think that I'll just be in the way, or not wanted around, or not know what to say and end up standing there in silence. So I stick to one spot, and if they want to speak to me or something then they know where to find me. Which doesn't help to not feel anxious, it just makes it worse. Because then I just get to thinking about how I should be integrating with people and not sitting alone, and that's only going to increase the anxiety. 

Which is what happened that day in the park, which is when I got the 'quiet' comment (and a couple of other jokey 'will you let me speak, you never stop talking' ones throughout the day). As soon as someone says that, it just makes it harder to not be quiet. It's pretty counterproductive, at least in my experience, when it's a personal characteristic to be that way and not a situational thing like having a bad day. I don't know what it is that stops me. I looked around and wanted to participate in things, but I couldn't. I guess inside I worry about not being welcome or fitting in. So I end up basically waiting for 'permission' to join, which to other people will probably just look like sitting on your own and not wanting to be a part of the group. 

Sitting around people who seemed to have no problem with socialising only served to highlight all the things I don't like about myself in these situations. 

One of the new faces in this group, who I didn't interact with at all (which I'm not upset about, speaking frankly), was someone T.N. had brought. He had been sending people messages, myself included, talking about having found a boyfriend. Apparently he was referring to this guy he'd invited along. I don't personally see the appeal in him. He's not my type, but then again I've slept with people like that before out of sheer spineless inability to get out of it. Though if you're using words like 'boyfriend' I assume it isn't the same deal. But then later on in the day after someone told him this guy was pretty promiscuous T.N. just said it was 'a bit of fun'. Two of the things I dislike about T.N. (once I start thinking there are a dozen or two annoyances that spring to mind) are the way he isn't clear about what he is trying to say, and the way he places too much meaning on things too soon. Like he did when I slept with him while drunk, and then he is talking about being boyfriends and soul mates the next morning. Or months later, saying he wants me to be his boyfriend again. As if I were ever that in the first place. 

(It's definitely something about him, though. When T.S. introduced me as the 'guy [he] was seeing' after only a week, that felt nice. I felt good about that. But there were things I liked about him. I honestly don't know what about T.N. I could say I like, because I can't think of much. Nothing superficial like looks, his dick is kind of big but I don't really care about that, he doesn't really talk about anything I find very interesting, no charismatic personality traits.'Acquaintance' is the furthest I'd put him now, and definitely nowhere near nor wanting him anywhere near 'boyfriend'.)

***

It was August 19th when I wrote the above, seemingly unfinished. In the time that has passed I finished with what I had left of the cream, which did work. Only now, after a few weeks without it, everything is back to how it was. So much for clearing up on its own. If I can rouse myself at a reasonable time tomorrow morning I am going to have to go back for a fourth time to get this looked at. This is really starting to do my head in now.

I've been making more effort, although a lot out of obligation, to be more active and not sulk around the house. Spent a week house sitting for my dad, which drilled home the idea that it's my current living arrangements causing a lot of stress for me. Back at school, which helps since while I'm not working having the summer off doesn't do me much good. I need something to force me to leave the house, at least as I am now. Skipped a number of social events, but went out this weekend. Not gotten back on Scruff or anything, but I did at least look at it once. That's a start. That shelf is looking a bit tidier now, too. 

Haven't seen T.N. for a while, so I'm happy about that. Used to seem him at a weekly group thing, but I can't attend that now with college. (So no more having him walking with me to my bus stop and trying to get me to have a pint with him, thank God.) He tried to get me to meet up with him while he was near my neighbourhood for a drink, but I lied and said I was studying (I should have been, but I wasn't). He started a new job but was fired by the end of the first day. When he was trying to convince me that I should give him another chance being more stable (having lost his previous job last year when things went down) was one of the points he used to convince me. He didn't have a job at that time either, and losing one on your first day doesn't scream 'stability' in my view. 

But maybe I've just got a lot of pent up resentment towards him now and every little thing annoys me ten-fold. But then he's literally stalked me, yet acts like nothing is wrong about that. Not that he admits it, he seems to have a convenient tendency to 'forget' things like how he knows my address or that he used my old surname hours before (I changed it when I was about 22-3 but never told him what it used to be). 

I have got myself too much involved with other people that I will not be able to get rid of him without breaking things off with all these people who I actually like, or moving somewhere different. Next time I am making efforts, I should include letting some of those other people know that I'd rather not be put in situations where I'm alone with him and hope for a bit of understanding (I can count on at least one getting it since he knows the most about this). 

Change of Course

Skin on the head of my cock has cleared up, so I can start using this wart cream again. Just in time, because another string of warts has popped up on the interior of my foreskin. Got two tubes of lice cream from the GUM clinic (for free, thank fuck) a fortnight ago. Used the second on Friday (to kill off any lice that hatched from eggs since using the first lot of cream). Not seen any lice since then, so I'm hoping I'm all clear now. Every time I feel a little itch I think it's a crab again.

But this still means another 3 weeks using what I have left of the wart cream. Which means another 3 weeks of keeping my dick to myself and in my pants.

A guy I was talking to, who I made the rare (for me) decision to add on Facebook despite not having met him, has posted some things that point to him going on a couple of dates with someone. I only really talked with him on Scruff, which I've not loaded up in weeks. Maybe a couple of months now. But then, he lives in another city that's an hour away by train where I don't know anyone else. I'd have to rely on him for a place to stay (which isn't really too unreasonable seeing as I'd probably be fucking him if we did meet). And I can't expect him to wait for me, when I'm not keeping in touch with him.

***

Having a long period where I wasn't willing to even try to have sex with anyone (I have come to realisation that if I really, really, really wanted to, there would be someone who would do it literally warts and all; that is not for me, though), I've been thinking more about what I want for myself.

Just having sex with people has lost a lot of appeal lately. No doubt having a gross lump on my dick and lice crawling on me contributed to this. But it feels more like it had just strengthened something I was already already starting to feel, a sort of dissatisfaction with casual sex. Or at least the casual sex I was having, which tended to be the 'one-night stand' kind where I'd see them once and that would be it.

There haven't been that many exceptional experiences. When I look back at what I've done in the past, the parts that weren't straight-up sexual stand out more. I like the physical intimacy. The parts that took place around the sex more than the sex itself in most cases. I liked the parts before penetration, the build-up where you're fooling around. The 'afterglow' moments afterwards. I liked just sitting or lying with guys just watching a film more than I have some of the actual sexual encounters.

I was rather indiscriminate which who I slept with. And a lot of that is feeling like I had an obligation to follow through with hooking up. That if someone showed an interest, I should reply and go along with it. Even if I wasn't that into it. Even if I felt awkward. I would even hope maybe something happened that meant the whole thing was called off, because I didn't have it in me to stay that I wasn't interesting, especially after chatting for a bit.

I talked to some guy who wanted me to not wash my cock for him so he could suck off what built up (and then fuck me bare, which I did manage to say I wouldn't do so it's not all bad), and this went on for longer than it really should have. That does nothing for me, I'm not interested in trying it. Yet I let it get dragged on for days, weeks. I don't want to try fisting in either position, but I still entertained someone who wanted me to do it to him. Because I felt like I had to 'be polite' and not turn anyone down.

But that didn't extend to me going after people I was interested in, even if just because I thought they were hot. I rarely made the effort to make the first move. I might leave a 'track' on their profile, maybe a 'woof' if I was feeling particularly good. But wouldn't send messages to people who didn't send some kind of signal to me first, like starting the conversation themselves or woofing on Scruff.

It stems from the way I view myself. I don't take the initiative because I don't think there is a point, because I'm just not that much of a catch and I'm not going to wow anyone into being interested. But when someone I'm not interested in starts pushing for things, I don't turn them down because I struggle to stand up for myself. I go along with what other's want because I grew up with this idea that what I want wasn't important, that I wasn't important. I'm not so much concerned with psychoanalysing where this originated, as much as I am trying to get past it.

Even though I'm better than I might have been a few years ago, when I starting putting myself out there and meeting guys. But I still struggle with it. And having some encounter lasting a couple of hours with a guy who I then never hear from again doesn't really help. I don't think to myself 'wow, I guess some men do find me attractive' and feel better. I assume that some guys will just do it with anyone and that the reason they're never seen again is that I'm not someone wants to keep around.

Thinking like that is part of the problem, and in some ways you've got to make yourself into a person others want to keep around.

The first step towards doing something about this would be to be more social again. I haven't gone online to meet people in ages, and I'm skipped a bunch of social events these past few months. Sitting at home feeling sorry for myself isn't going to help anything. Leaving it longer and longer just makes the hesitation worse. It's best to just jump back into the game, because waiting isn't going to make it any easier.

But I still sometimes I guys who look hot and think I want to fuck them. But I'm hoping from now on, if I do still have casual sex, it'll be more on my terms. And with guys I really want to fuck.

 All this pain and discomfort, turns out it's all my fault. I used too much of that cream, and it had an excessive reaction. Put my immune system too far up. The little sachet was meant to be used to cover an area the size of a hand. So using all of it was going too far. I wasn't doing it thinking 'if I use it all, I'll heal faster!!' or anything like that. I just figured I was meant to use the whole lot, otherwise I'm just throwing all this leftover cream away, aren't I? Well, this is one of the times being frugal doesn't do you much good. I might have spread some around where there wasn't anything wrong, kind of thinking I might catch anything that's just sprouting up. These aren't good ideas.

The doctor told me on Monday to stop using the cream (naturally) and to wash the area with a saline solution and go back in two weeks. Used to have a load of proper medical grade stuff around, a couple of health care workers in the family. But I've not seen any for a long time, so I'm going to have to just make my own. I'm meant to wash with it three times a day, which means I have to find the time and privacy to be able to do this. Which is more of a pain than the washing.

I wish I knew someone who had somewhere I could just go for a couple of weeks and have time to myself. Sadly, I don't. So I have to make do with trying to get ten minutes whenever I can.

While I was there I told him about the message about having lice. Didn't mention having thought that I'd found one. Not sure why. I'm just not very good at saying what needs to be said, still. I think too much about saying things, then never say them because I think the right moment has passed. I tried to rationalise this to myself by saying I wasn't sure if I did find anything. Maybe it was nothing. He had a quick look around the front but didn't see anything.

That's a relief, right? Except after I got home, I had another look myself. Because it was more the back that I was wondering about. Didn't really feeling like saying 'look at my arse, doctor' to someone I just met in a hospital. The downside to going to the GUM clinic instead of a GP or something is that you don't necessarily build up a relationship with one person where it's easier to say these things. Or maybe that's just me being me.

I got one of those combs for combing cats to check for fleas, and tried combing the hair on my arse. I'm not smooth or anything, but don't have a lot of hair there so there's not much to work with. Pubic lice can't be much smaller than animal fleas, surely that'll work? Gave the comb a rinse with boiling water, and when to the bathroom to have a look what I could find.

And find, I did. Only one, a little round clear thing stuck between the teeth of the comb, but that was enough confirmation for me. Maybe I just didn't want to be sticking around too long, combing at my arse with a flea comb. Yet now I've seen one for sure, I can't really stop thinking about it.

So I will go, again, to the GUM clinic to ask about using something while I have other thing going on. The doctor I saw on Monday didn't recommend doing anything with my skin inflamed like it is now, and he didn't see anything. But now I don't really want to leave it. The idea that little creatures might be crawling around on me wasn't nice, the certainty that they are isn't something I want to leave unattended.

***

The cleaning hurts less than I thought it would. Pulling the foreskin back still hurts the most. Having a normal bath afterwards hurt more.

Another comb, and another crab. Including what I managed to pick off with my fingers, that's 4 I've found. One of those was on my belly, which would mean they are moving around now. That just makes me want to get something done quicker.

Want to get this cleared up rather than putting off treating it just because it's not serious. I still want it out of the way, and to have a clean bill of health again. Though I'm not sure if I want one so I can get out there and do exactly what I was doing before again.

It definitely doesn't seem to be my week.

Since Friday evening I've had a stinging pain on my dick, and what looks like the skin peeling near where I'd been using this wart cream. It's reached the point where contact with water is really painful, so washing isn't a very pleasant experience. I have just had a bath and I had to grit my teeth to stop from shouting out. I had a piss and that hurt like hell because it came in contact with the skin. Even just sitting around or moving slightly is painful. I use the cream overnight on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, so I'm going to try to get to the GUM clinic tomorrow morning and ask about it before I continue using it. Still, this isn't what I had hoped for. I'm not even half way through the course of treatment and it's already getting nearly unbearable.

I still haven't heard back from the guy who said I gave him pubic lice. But I did managed to pick what looked like a tiny moving creature from the back of my thigh. The light wasn't bright enough to see it clearly, but it's not a good sign. I had noticed an itch, but kind of put it down to the heat we've been having lately and sweating.

I suppose I was being a bit stubborn, in denial about the possibility of having lice when I got a random message at a time like this. I just wanted to get through one thing at a time. Having another issue on top of other issues doesn't sound fun. So I'm probably going to end up having a nurse or doctor looking around my arse to see if there are lice living there. Great.

It's not something that's complicated to treat, at least. But if it's another cream, then that's a third cream I have to be applying (in addition to the warts one, and one for dry skin). I'm hoping I can get the cream for free from the GUM clinic. It's not expensive or anything, but still. You can't complain with free.

The part I'm not looking forward to is the idea of having to 'get your household treated'. It's bad enough getting baseless accusations of bringing disease into this house. Having to then say 'hey, you all need to treat yourself for pubic lice' is going to go over really well.

Protracted Illness

After the first week of freezing treatment for warts, I was sick on and off for the next two weeks and couldn't make it to the hospital for the next two treatments. So on the day I was originally told I could have been finished with the treatment, I had to start it over again. Having the flu had the added downside of possibly letting the warts virus replicate so what started as a couple of little bumps on the side of my cock head turned into this mass about an inch across.

So I started another course of freezing, and had the full three weeks. But while it helped at first, after two weeks it was bigger than ever. I went about two weeks after the last freezing, when I was supposed to have a blood test for my hepatitis vaccination, but was told I should have come back the previous week. Either I misunderstood something or they had. Either way, I decided to try another kind of treatment and use a cream. While I was there I had blood taken for a last HIV test, the reason I had the appointment this time.

So now I am about a week into using this cream. It is itching and sore, just as the leaflet I got about it promised.  I've got another three weeks worth of cream to get through and then I'm back at the clinic to see how things are.

This also means that this is another three weeks at least where I won't even be trying to have sex. 

***

Having the flu also lead to me having to endure my brother's usual line of bullshit. Getting told it's 'not normal' to get sick so soon after being sick before (by my reckoning it was a couple of months since the last time, but he was convinced it was only one month ago at most). Getting blamed for 'bringing sickness into this house' because I'm always going places with what he calls 'weird people' (who he knows nothing about, and I'm 99% sure that if I were straight and those people were women, I wouldn't be hearing this). Being asked if there was something weakening my immune system, which is just a roundabout way to suggest that I have AIDS.

I do get sick more than I'd like (my head is hurting right this second), but there are other causes for lowered immunity than AIDS. Off the top of my head, currently I could point out a poor diet, lack of exercise, poor sleep, stress, and low mood as factors in this. I need to make an effort to improve my health. Eat better, exercise, sleep properly, try to make sure my immune system is working normally.

But hearing this shit while I'm still waiting to hear the results of my confirmation test for HIV doesn't help matters. I might realise he's just being a cunt, but being subjected to that for so long is still going to have some effect on how you feel. Not heard back from them yet. No news is good news, since they only contact you if there is something wrong. But at the same time I don't know if there is just a delay and bad news will be coming any day now. Having someone making snide remarks implying I've got AIDS is something (and someone) I could do without.

***

I'm finding it hard to admit to myself, or at least vocalise, that I got warts. Even thinking it in my head, which is all I've been doing. I find myself siding more with 'HPV' just because it has less of an emotive punch than the word 'warts'. I'm not particularly beating myself up for getting it or anything like that, but it still makes me cringe a bit. Writing it brings about the same feeling. I guess it's the sense of shame and embarrassment associated with anything wrong below the belt that exists in society. I wouldn't have a problem saying that I haven't been going out or don't want to have sex because I've had the flu, but it's another matter entirely to say that's because there's warts on my cock (caused by a virus that half of sexually active people carry, that can be caught through just skin-to-skin contact, that like 80% of people will have had at some point in their life, and that is easily treatable).

***

And finally this afternoon, I get a text from a number I don't have registered on my phone. Claiming we met off Scruff the other week and I gave them pubic lice. 'Other week' doesn't ring any bells. For one thing, the only person I've met off Scruff was a guy I had one drink with and didn't get close enough to pass on any lice. I haven't slept with anyone for more than two months. So 'other week' seems a bit strange. I should write down the numbers of people I sleep with even if I don't keep them on my phone. It would help out in situations like this.

Not heard back from them yet. I half wonder if it is someone playing a prank on me, since a friend of mine found me on Scruff a month or so ago. Not least because with all the medical staff who have been looking at my crotch over the past two months, no one seems to have noticed any lice. 

Milestones & To Do List

I've managed to reach 5000+ hits recently (discounting ones that were just me). Considering I don't make the effort to expand readership of this thing, that's something.

Things have been going relatively well for me lately. Therapy is going on nicely, I feel like I've been making progress. Still loads I want to sort out. Employment, housing, social life, getting in shape. Kind of want to bulk up to more of a 'muscle bear' body type (like the porn star Paul Wagner) but I don't know if I have the patience or discipline, might make do with being a bit more muscular and a bit leaner. Getting in shape especially is one I want to focus on, now I'm feeling better in myself. Some of it is health and general benefits that being fitter would bring, but I'm not going to lie. A lot of it is down to sex. Look better, be able to last longer and be physically stronger.

Some guy I was chatting to started talking about fisting. I don't want to be on the receiving end, and am not really sure I'd like to do it to someone. But I did think about what I would like to do (with video examples):

Bulge worship
I remember seeing a few videos where one guy was made to crawl on all fours, and had his face pushed into the clothed crotches of a group of men. While I don't care much for being made to crawl, I do like the 'worship' aspect.


Being talked dirty to
While I've had guys say the odd line now and then, I'd like to try it where they are a lot more commanding and dominant. Being told what to do, what's going to happen, that kind of thing. If they have a nice voice, that's a bonus. I'm a sucker for a nice voice.


Public cruising
I guess it's the spontaneous nature of this that sounds appealing, being outdoors and not knowing who will turn up. Which could be good or could be awful (don't think the guy in the video cares much about that). The guys at 8 minutes in who start feeling each other was another thing I liked.


The first two are easy enough to do, just find a guy and nuzzle his cock/get him to be a bit bossy. Cruising is slightly harder because I'm still not sure where you'd go (except one place that I've heard a bunch of stories about where men have been attacked), and it's a lot more unpredictable. Unless, I suppose, you went with someone and then started messing around with each other in public and let others walk by and maybe join in.

Still in my no-sex period until I'm done with this HPV treatment, so it's something for the future.

I've had my confrontation with T.N. now, made it clear it wasn't going to happen. Never going to happen. I told him in a club on a night out, said directly that I wasn't interested. But then he walked home with me, saying he wanted another answer without drink involved and after thinking it over. I didn't say a word to him all the way home. My answer didn't come from the alcohol, and thinking about it more wouldn't change my mind. I wasn't going to suddenly be interested in him. I've never been interested in him. I could fill an entire post with things I find unattractive about him.

I didn't say anything, but he never stopped talking. A lot of my suspicions were confirmed, and some new things came out. He was jealous of any man who got close to me, like the stranger the other week. He planned to try to 'wine and dine' me now he had found a new job, as if that would influence me or that I would even agree to go at all. That he thinks he could give me a 'better life', like I would have a good life living with someone I felt nothing for (barely even socially). That I should feel bad, that he wants me to feel bad, for not giving him a straight answer before. I'm not going to let him tell me how to feel, and I don't feel bad at all. I won't. It shouldn't be my responsibility to tell him he should move on, when I don't even know how he got the idea I was interested at all. I have been overtly distant and cold towards him for months. It was his delusions. He talked about how I was smiling at him last year at a party, but I don't know what he was talking about. If I did, it didn't mean anything.

I texted my friend (who was there the other week) the next morning, who told me more things I didn't know. When I had walked home the previous night, he seemed to know when to go his separate way. I never said I lived there, never told him anything except the area name. I tried to confront him about it today, but he just said that I told him I lived near a park and must have stopped walking. I know from my friend that there was more to it than that. He has sat outside my house. I don't know when. He must have looked up my address and stalked me. That was disturbing to learn. Even outside my house it felt like he was following me around. He'd suddenly appear behind me while I was walking somewhere. That seems even more suspicious now given this.

I also learnt that he thinks I've slept with loads of people he or I know. None of whom I have actually slept with. Some of them I've never been alone with. He is just so jealous of anyone being near me. He wants me all to himself. His constant invitations to spend the weekend with him or to meet up during the week. It's all been exactly what I thought I was, excuses to spend time with me alone.

I regret ever having slept with him, ever having spent any time at his house. Regret ever letting him get close at all. I thought he just wanted to be friends, that he was trying to help me socialise, but it hasn't been at all. He admitted he has been in love with me for all the time we've known each other. I never once felt that way about him. If I slept with him, it was because I was drunk or pressured into it or because I was upset about other men and used him.

I feel like I've found the gay version of a 'Nice Guy'--the kind of men who are friendly towards women, listening to their problems and doing nice things and being their friend, in the hopes that the women will eventually see how great they are and sleep with them. It isn't a good feeling. I understand more than ever why women hate that kind of guy.

Meanwhile, I have a guy who actually is attractive who wants to meet me for drinks.

Mobile: diagnosis

Gential warts (HPV).

I'm surprisingly mellow about the news. I guess because it's not serious, and so easily and widely spread (I think the figure was half of sexually active people have the virus). Just skin contact can transmit it, and beyond celibacy or fetishes involving complete coverage of the body you can't avoid that kind of contact. Though kind of annoyed they didn't offer the vaccine when I was a kid/before I had sex. But anyway, I'm not beating myself up about this so that's positive. 

The doctor started treatment straight away, using a freezing spray. He said it he'd test it with a quick spray to see if it hurt. It didn't, so he got on which the main treatment. That's when the pain started. They treat it by freezing it, leaving it to thaw, then repeating the process two more times. Each time it started getting more painful. It wasn't unbearable or anything but there was discomfort there. After he'd finished and popped out the room while I pulled my pants back up it started hurting. Then he told me I'd have to keep coming back for at least two more weeks to get more treatments. 

Looking at the leaflet it said it is best to avoid sex while there are warts visible. Which means another three sexless weeks. Changed my profile on Scruff to say I'm not looking for hook ups. Considered not using it at all, but I've decided to keep on checking it. Maybe in the hopes of something more quaint and innocent. Making friends, dates that don't end in a bed somewhere. Maybe making out and a bit of over-the-clothes groping. That would be nice, and to stop there without the pressure to go further. 

If I thought "I'll fool around with you but there's warts on my cock so I'll leave my pants on" would go over well I would be fine, but I have my doubts. 

I'm Not Yours

Tomorrow morning I'm off to the GU clinic again. I went for tests a couple of weeks back, which were all negative (though I still need a repeat blood test for HIV in a month or two). But then on Saturday, I was getting ready to go out and when I cleaned the head of my dick I saw blood. It wasn't a lot, but it's not a spot you expect to or want to see any blood. On one side near the 'banjo string' bit on the underside (medical name eludes me) there is a small patch of little bumps, which is where the blood came from. I haven't had sex of any kind since C.J., and my last test was after that. Considering the possibility of a false negative last time. But C.J. didn't actually touch my cock. Didn't suck me off, didn't wank me, I didn't fuck him. The most I did was maybe rub against him. Which might be enough for herpes. I don't want herpes. I'm hoping it is just something benign and easily sorted.

But it has meant I've abstained from having sex. And it's not for lack of offers, for a change. I've just had to try to brush them off without saying the real reason. Which might have spoilt my chances with some. There is this stocky/husky lad who wants to be fucked. Hot, sweaty sex in a hotel, or failing that a blowjob on a dark street. I have been leading him on for nearly a week, so he might have lost interest. 

***

On Saturday I met with a friend and T.N. (I am wary of calling him a 'friend' now) at a pub. There was supposed to be some kind of music event going on (in the end it turned out that they'd got the date wrong). When I got there, there was this guy I'd never seen before sitting with them. I figured this was a friend of my friend. He seemed really pally with him, but later on he was pally with some strangers at the next table. Afterwards I found out he wasn't a friend of anyone I knew, he was just a guy who was really drunk and sociable. 

He wasn't bad looking. Just over 30, with blond hair and really nice blue eyes. When I sat down at the table he was talking about the night before. He had gone to a party, made out with a guy, got really drunk and woke up in another part of town missing his shirt and wearing his jumper inside-out. He was out this afternoon 'topping up' before hosting a party himself that evening. The first thing he said when I sat down was that I had nice teeth. "Don't let anyone tell you you need braces." (I had one in my early teens, which is why my top teeth are straight now.) Then he complimented my beard, complaining that his wasn't as nice. Told me I had nice eyes. Kept on tell me (and T.N.) to relax and laugh. T.N. revealed afterwards that he did not like the experience at all, but I wasn't bothered. Not relaxing is just how I am at the moment, something I need to work on and change. I wish I could be more like this drunken dude randomly striking up conversations with strangers as if he's known them for years.

Eventually, the conversation turned towards sex. I had assumed the guy was gay, having made out with a bloke the previous night and giving me little compliments throughout the afternoon. That is, until he mentioned a girlfriend to the men at the next table. Followed, upon his return to our table, by talking about having sex with men. Specifically the ones there. Who that would be jumped around a bit, but eventually settled on me. But then, I had been the recipient of a lot of little bits of flattery over the course of this drinking session. And a quick peck on the mouth at one point. From that point on, his sights were solely on me. Commence repeated badgering for sex.

Not just sex, though. He has this women, at his place right now. Her biggest fantasy is to watch him get fucked by a man, he said. And he wanted me to be that man. 

I had seen blood on my cock minutes before I left the house. I wasn't in the mood for having sex. But I was kind of tempted. There was a bit of appeal to it. Or rather, him. The prospect of the woman didn't fill me with much excitement. I'm not one to be completely disgusted by the idea of sex with a woman, I just don't find myself drawn to the idea. If I did it, it would be out of curiosity as to what it's like. That's it. And I wasn't feeling all that curious that day. The promise of her giving me 'the best blowjob of my life' didn't sway me. (If I were to have sex with a woman, I would try to at least go for the things you can't get from or do to a guy.)

We left the pub, and he came along. I had to hold him up at one point, and stop him from opening a rubbish bag in the street. Apparently we were on the way to a department store. I wondered why, but later found out the reason was to ditch this guy. I'm kind of assuming it was all T.N.'s idea; I can't remember exactly who suggested going there, but he did mention wanting to go there a couple of times and he didn't like this guy. Outside the store it was time to say goodbye to Drunk Stranger here. Except he wasn't going to go without a fight. I stood with him in the middle of the avenue, the other two waiting by the door of the department store. T.N. shouting my name a couple of times, which was kind of annoying.

"The best sex of your life. It'll be amazing. How can you say no to that?"

His main tactic was asserting that it would be the best sex of my life; me, him, and this woman who was very 'nasty and filthy'. He dangled his keys in front of me. His keyring was a capital D studded with diamonds (I'm guessing they weren't real), trying to lure me back to his by waving this in my face. But I wasn't having sex that day, what with the bloody bumpy cock and all. Plus it felt awkward to leave people like that. I've done it before, gone home with people, but I had gone out solo on those occasions. Now I was with people properly, and my name was being called. So I made my apologises and said my farewells.

Over the course of the afternoon T.N. kept referring to the guy as a 'tramp'. That started to grate on me. To be honest, a lot of his behaviour is starting to. But that just seemed unnecessarily bitchy and mean-spirited. Once my friend left it was just me and T.N., who wanted to go for another drink. I declined, my head was hurting a bit and I try to avoid drinking alone with him. While I waited for my bus home, he started talking about how he wanted to have me as his boyfriend last year. And that he would like to have another go at it. He's in a more stable place in life now. He was a bit of a mess before, but it'd be better this time. This was a bit of a shock, as he had said previously that he knew it wasn't going to happen. That he should look for a boyfriend. (Don't fucking look to the man who already spurned you, that's a good first step.)

He should have held on to that realisation that it wasn't going to be, because nothing has changed.

But perhaps slightly, it has. For the worse. My friend sent me a message a few days later, saying he was sorry if he had offended me on Saturday. I had no idea what he meant, but that is what T.N. had told him. When I asked T.N. directly what made him say that, I got some rambling replies back that didn't make sense. I pray that he doesn't have to write any kind of important documents, because his ability to express himself with words is abysmal. My friend's replies, though, made a lot more sense.

T.N. just doesn't want anyone else near me. He's jealous, so he tries to get others away. He's obsessed with me. He says he just doesn't like how my friend always brings certain things up, but that has nothing to do with me. He talks about how this friend antagonises people. Badmouthing people I appear to like is something T.N. seems fond of. He wants me to have something special with him, he talks about there's 'respect between us' and how important our relationship is. I don't know what relationship he sees that is so important. I feel more like his companionship is forced on me at this point.

T.N., said today when I saw him that my friend had sent him a bunch of text messages, saying often that I'm "not [T.N.'s] boyfriend." Although I didn't, I wanted to smile when I heard that. I've known this guy for less time than T.N., but already he's closer to me than he is (he's also more fun to be around). I'm more comfortable talking to him about these things than I am even making bland small talk with T.N.. I told him that I didn't like the way T.N. always starts talking about me being his boyfriend when everyone else is gone, how he's pressured or pestered me into sleeping with him. I would tell him more but T.N. is naturally around all the time, and even him just being there stops me from talking much. I want to talk about other stuff. Like how I hate the way T.N. will say one thing publicly and do another privately. He said publicly he doesn't like rimming because he finds the idea of it unpleasant; he actually does like it, which I had to find out first hand (even if I didn't want him to do it). He made a disapproving remark about bareback porn, yet he tried to fuck me bareback without even discussing it (again when I didn't want to have sex with him, and thankfully he didn't get to).

A couple of months back, some guy in a club started walking up to me and kissing me during the night. He actually had a thing for T.N., to his displeasure. He also forced a kiss (and grope) on T.N. on the same night. Later everyone had to hear about how awful that was. Oh, how terrible. To have someone you're not interested in pushing themselves on you like that. Who would do such a thing?

This was followed by him badmouthing both that guy, and his hot friend I made out with afterwards. Of course.

***

T.N. is always asking me if I want to stay at his house for the weekend. To 'chill out'. As if that will happen. I cannot think of a situation I am less likely to feel chilled out in that trapped in a house with him for a weekend.

My friend suggested that I tell him I'm seeing someone. While it would be nice for that not to be a lie (and there are two or three guys I'm interested in), I might have to make do with telling some untruths for now until he accepts it and moves on.

Mobile: successes and failures

Managed to have sex with someone again. I had its good points and bad points.

Good points were I felt more comfortable being naked and in the whole situation this time as well. That's the second time in a row (a short and very spaced out row but a row none the less). Still stuff about myself physically that I want to do something about, but I seem to be getting more comfortable in myself.

And I was getting fucked which actually worked this time. I tried poppers for the first time, but I'm not sure if that helped. I didn't really feel much different after having used them. Pretty sure I used them right (put the bottle under your nose and inhale), but maybe I didn't use enough. Or maybe it did work and I just didn't feel anything in my head.

Also got to cuddle for ages. It made me think that I do want a stable relationship if it means getting more of that. Being the little spoon, especially.

The bad, in ascending order, would be that I think I need to learn how to suck cock better. I did it but with some difficulty. Maybe I just don't actually like doing it. Maybe it isn't one of my things.

He wanted to try swapping cum, which was something me and another guy had discussed but didn't get the chance. So I tried it this time. But his spunk tasted really bitter, and the aftertaste stuck around for a bit too long.

But mostly on the bad side, he fucked me without a condom. Didn't do it to completion, he finished off by hand. But he still did it, and I let it go on for a while. Knew it was happening. He said he'd do it like that for a bit then get one. In the end I stopped it by saying it was hurting. I had dropped mentions of condoms into the conversation beforehand. He seemed to be going along with it, said he had them. But then it all started happening quickly and I didn't process it fast enough.

I knew what I actually wanted to say, but just couldn't get the words out. I had the words right there in my mind, but couldn't speak them. Actually talking and speaking my mind has always been a problem for me. People I've met online always say things like "you're so quiet in person but you talk a lot by text," which is true. Even just socially, I'm the same. Actually saying the words can be really hard to do. I think too much about it and then the moment to talk is gone because I've left it too long. I've started seeing a therapist at my doctors' surgery for cognitive behavioural therapy, and I'm hoping this is one of the things I can change. I've tried reading books on it myself but I either can't concentrate for long enough or become unmotivated. If I'm lucky having the pressure of someone else expecting me to work at it will help.

I caught myself trying to rationalise it, and the possible continuation. He said he'd gotten out of a long-term closed relationship recently, after 15 years. That he'd not slept with anyone else except his partner, this one guy they had a threesome with once, and me. That's what he said, anyway, and being in a relationship doesn't mean all's clear. But you start compromising a little and soon it all starts coming undone. Letting one thing slide leads to another and at one point you might find yourself letting the wrong things by.

I've not really beaten myself up over it this time, though. Maybe because, even if it was through lies, I managed to stop it part way. Maybe I have just learnt how not to be so harsh on myself without realising. Given that it was only done for a short while, risk-wise I probably won't need to go through PEP or anything again. I probably won't get it from this. They were close to not giving it me before, only really agreeing for my peace of mind. Given the levels of risk I'm not sure if they would agree this time. Nor would I want to go through it again.

So I'm disappointed in myself, but I know what to work on changing. And if he gets in touch and starts talking about having sex again, I want to say--albeit through text--that uses a condom the entire time. None of that 'just for a while' business again.

Definition of 'Sleazy Pig'

On Scruff a guy whose profile included multiple uses of words like 'sleazy' and 'pig' sent me a woof.

I don't really know what sleazy sex entails. I had to look it up on Google to see what kind of things are called sleazy, what qualifies one to be a pig. From what I've gathered so far:

Piss? I'm not really into the idea. Even more so with scat.

Spitting, I might. I've done it before, but only into the guy's mouth. Never been done to me, and I don't know about spitting on someone or being spat on.

Group sex? That's okay. The idea of a really large setting with lots of guys is appealing, but I'm not sure if it's appealing in a way that I'm willing to make happen.

Fisting, I'm not keen to try either way, nor anything that involves pain like cock and ball torture.

I don't know if barebacking is 'sleazy' or there is just some overlap between the two.

He also had 'no limits/leaving limitations at the door' lead me to assume it'd involve barebacking. If there's some variation of 'anything goes' that's usually what I assume.

I considered sending him a message and asking what he considered 'sleazy'. I decided against it. I wondered why he thought I didn't reply to him (he'll know I've looked at his profile). Because of the 'poz' thing he had in his profile name, maybe.

I've reached the conclusion that I'm not really a sleazy pig. The furtherest I can see for myself is that I find it kind of hot when guys sweat or are kind of dirty (mud, etc.) but even that isn't to extremes. I don't mean the smell of a guy who's not washed in days. Armpits? Rimming? Some curiosity about the milder forms of being dominated? Interest in trying a bit of bondage? Those are good.

But I don't know if that's sleazy. I'm probably not going to advertise myself as sleazy.

How To Be A Heartbreaker

I started talking to J.N. in December, on Scruff. He was, if I'm honest, one of the reasons that I considered Scruff a success. He might have coloured my view of how it stacked up as an experiment in meeting guys, because it went so well.

But it's not without problems. When we met for the first and only time, I was a bit quieter than when we had been talking through text. He could be evasive. I like clear answers, but he would give vague and non-committal replies if I asked him what he was looking for with this relationship. And he is always working. And it's been a concern that I might get my hopes up over someone who would never have the time for me. I don't expect to be seeing you all the time and every day, but I want a bit of time. So I hadn't managed to see him again, though we still talked through text messages.

Yet on Monday, he tells me about his weekend. How he went up to another city in the county. How he met some guy and slept with him. How great it was. How many times they had sex, how long it lasted.

This was the man who kept telling me he was too busy to see me. That he didn't have the money. Didn't have the time to see me. Yet here he is, going to some other city further away than mine and fucking some guy. And now he's off to London for a few days (which he once talked about, mentioning how much he liked the city and hooking up with guys there). And is going back to meet and have sex with that guy over the weekend.

But I don't blame him. I'm annoyed about it, but I can see why. I blame myself. Like always. The horrible way I conduct my life, how many constraints I have, financially and mentally and in terms of living arrangements. Just who I am overall. They fucked at this guy's home. I can't offer that. I can't really offer anything of much value or merit. I just add it to the list of other failures that go to prove the things I tell myself.

***

One night I brought up the topic of how I wondered if I had slept with enough people. This seemed to get on the wrong side of him. "I thought gay men were fickle, but this is ridiculous." He told me I was free to sleep around, but not to expect him to wait for me.

At that moment, the thought that I might have ruined things upset me. It made me realise how much I actually did care about this. It wasn't the same kind of feeling as when a guy just stop making contact or something. I was a lot more open with him, told him things I might not tell others. I thought we were closer than I had been to anyone I'd met in a long time. That maybe it was a bit different that what I had with other guys.

***

Over the weekend, I did make out with someone on a night out. But I wouldn't have done anything else. I wouldn't have slept with him, because I kept J.N. in mind. Saving myself for him, in a sense. I didn't want to spoil things or lose my chance. I stopped using Scruff or websites because of him.

Yet when I told him about what I'd done on the weekend, he asked if I got the guy's number. Said he can 'make time for friends.'

And I took that as telling me what I am to him now. I'm a friend, somebody who it wouldn't matter if I got some other man's phone number.

I told him before that even if a proper 'relationship' didn't work out, I'd still like to be friends because I enjoyed talking with him and spending time with him. But I still need a little time to feel hurt if this is the case.

For someone who complained about gay men being fickle, he seems to going some way to making himself an example of that.

Mobile: spoke too soon

When I gave P&D as an example of a couple who had an open relationship and stuck together, I couldn't have timed it worse. Heard yesterday that they've had a falling out, something about D sleeping with someone else (so I guess they were meant to be closed after tying the knot). So that's not good anecdotal evidence for the longevity of open relationships after all.

I did find myself wondering if this meant I might have a chance with D, which did make me feel a little guilty. Using someone's break up to sleep with one of them. Not that it's a realistic idea. I only have one number for both of them, don't know whose phone it's for, and don't see them out that often. It's just idle fantasy because I didn't get a good chance with D and he was attractive (speaking with others, it seems to be the common view).

Love's Bullfight

I have been thinking lately about how hard I find it to let go of grudges.

I'm not really sure when or if I'd forgive T.N., and if I did it'd probably be a 'forgiven but not forgotten' deal. Looking at it now, I'm not sure anything would really change if I did forgive him, because I kind of feel like I'd still be a bit cold and distant towards him afterwards the same as I am now. Maybe I don't actually know what it means to forgive people.

It's because of stuff like this that I don't think I would take being cheated on too well.

I've had people betray my trust in the past, and I'm still hesitant about letting other people in. I'm liable to hold a grudge if the trust I did eventually place in someone is broken. Maybe not to the point of something drastic like chopping off body parts, but chances are things might never be the same again. I'm not really sure how I would react, but it would probably ruin things for me. I hold myself to some harsh standards, and I guess I'd be looking for the same in close personal relationships like that. If you agreed to something (like monogamy), then I'd expect you to keep to it.

This is jumping the gun a fair bit, since as I ought to worry about finding someone who's willing to stick around that long before plotting what will happen if they let me down. I've not really reached a conclusion as to where I stand on having an open relationship personally. I am up for the idea, but I don't know to what extent. For some it works (P&D got 'married' a couple of months ago), but I know another couple who recently started having an open relationship and are now split up.

There's all these things I need to get my head around first. But the matter of trusting people in the first place probably gets in the way a lot and I really don't know how to sort that out right now.

Year One

On Friday it was exactly a year since this. It went by without much fanfare. I mean, what would you expect? It's not something I share with everyone. It's not something you make a big show and dance about.

But it lead me to think a bit about how this past and what I've done during it to change. Basically it boiled down to:

- As far as sex goes I haven't repeated the same mistake, despite being close once. But I also haven't had much sex since then. Without going back and looking at what I've written here, it's only been six occasions. Four one-on-one sessions (P.G. who smelt of smoke and weed, T.M. which was just unpleasant, one I've never written about but for no big reason, and P&D's P which was the best) and two threesomes (first with P&D which ended before it really began, and then with G.M. and the other guy). That's 7 people, which seems quaint. But there were plenty of times when I didn't feel up to hooking up, and the time when I was taking PEP and waiting for the follow-up results from that. That, added with the living situation that spoilt it before then as well, didn't really lead to much action.

- I've gotten a bit better at asserting myself lately. There were times at the beginning where I let people lead me into things I didn't want (T.M. again), but lately I've gotten better at sticking up for myself partly. I managed to say no when men started suggesting barebacking (on three occasions so far), but still got myself into a corner like when the guy who didn't want me to wash my cock (so he could suck it like that) wanted me to go to some strange town on the buses I don't know at all. My tactic has been to just go quite, not initiate contact (or sometimes not reply at all) and hope they give up. It seems to have worked for the guy above, and I've not heard anything from the guy I Skyped with who wanted me to bareback him (but is that just the flakiness of hooking up online?). It's not really the best strategy, though.

- Health-wise, I've not been treating myself that good. I've found my mood dropping and so I don't take good care of myself. Let myself go these past few months. I'm still not back on track, but do at least want to start and not completely given up. Wanting alone isn't enough, but it's a start.

- Still, I'm getting myself out the house and meeting people. In a non-sexual way, anyway. It's not always gone perfectly, but it never will if you don't put yourself out there and try.  I've done a bit better with it recently, and I'm feeling more positive about it.

Mobile: decisions to make

I have spoken to S.J. for about three months now, but only met him for the first time the other day. Met as in innocently, we had coffee/tea and a bit of a walk around town. But he seems to really like me, in a more serious way than just 'I want to fuck you'. Even though there is that too. And to be honest, I like him a lot too.

But that leaves me with the question of what to do about J.L. if this other thing is going to lead somewhere. I don't know if it will, but there is that possibility. With J.L., while he seems like a nice enough man, it's mostly sexual overtones. I've not met him yet, since he lives over an hour away by train. But compared with S.J. conversation does then to stick to sexual themes.

I clumsily brought up the topic of sleeping with more men with him, and he said that I was free to do that but he wouldn't hang around waiting for me.

I've missed chances with others before because I didn't take the initiative and grab the chance when it was there. And while I had no guarantee that anything would have happened there, you will never know if you don't act. So I would like to take that chance this time with S.L. and see what develops.

But that leaves me in the position of having to work out what to do with J.L. now. I suppose the easiest thing would be to say sorry but I'm seeing someone now, but that isn't feeling so easy. I could say that but I don't know if that's the case yet. And in the meantime, I don't know what to do. Ignoring him is rude, but saying "I'm thinking of seeing someone else" is awkward. Maybe needlessly so, he's not my boyfriend or anything. Not really anything right now. I suppose I could ask S.J. soon if he's like to go out properly and then just bend the truth slightly.

Mobile: support networking

I don't know where it was that I heard it now. It was the suggestion that having other friends who are gay and use sites to hook up online means that you can 'compare notes' on guys. Obviously this can include the normal gossip. But also other things, like if someone is trouble.

There is one guy on the gay scene here who is, or at least was, a social pariah. No one seems to like him and he is always getting into arguments and feuds with people.

I also found out later that he barebacks exclusively (at least that's how it was told to me). Which at that point in time, wouldn't have been a welcome discovery.

It made me sit and think about the first time I saw this man. It was the first time I had gone to a gay bar, which I wrote about here. I had been roped into a group of guys and shared in their evening, and then went home with two of them. One of those was having a falling out with this guy, who had been going around saying something that my new friend wasn't happy about. Later I heard that the pariah has a bit of a mouth on him and does this kind of thing often.

I looked over at him on that night and thought, is he really that bad? I don't want other people's quarrels to limit my relationships with people. You might not like him, but I haven't met him. Maybe I'll get along with him. Maybe I might sleep with him.

Looking at the situation now, it's good that I didn't speak to him. Not only for his apparent love of drama, but also that I wasn't in a good place at that time. I probably wouldn't have stuck up for myself if I ended up in bed with him and he suddenly starts barebacking me. And I never would have known this if it weren't for my friends.

Or at least, I'd like to call them my friends. But I can't, at least not in a way that feels honest to myself. I've not seen or heard from the couple I went home with that night in months. And the people I do see I don't consider that close. I don't even think of them as friends in the most superficial sense. Acquaintances is the highest I'll go. If I could just work out how to get over whatever it is that stops me from getting closer to people, even on a social level, then I could find a network of people who could help me out in times like this. Who I could talk to about these things and who could say "I've hooked up with him before and he ..."

I don't like gossip in general. But in some cases, it would beneficial. This is one of those. I just need to learn to make friends before all that, though.

Mobile: moment of truth

Interaction with C.G. followed a now familiar pattern. A couple of bland and innocent enough messages soon ended up turning sexual. Not that I minded. This was in the space of about 3-4 days.

He asked if he was too old for me, at 35. I told him no. At this time, when the dialogue was still fairly chaste, I thought he might have meant too old to consider dating. I'm not one of those 20-somethings who consider a man over 30 unworthy of attention, for something more serious and especially not for just sex.

I thought he looked rather handsome from his pictures. I would definitely sleep with him if he was willing to let me. Even if that was all that happened.

So I was chatting with him tonight and he asked if I would cam with him. Never done it before, but I figured I'd give it a shot. To jump to the conclusion I wasn't too thrilled with the experience. I was using my phone which much have hindered things, and there was just something about it that made it feel all a bit strange for me. I don't think I'll be rushing to do it again soon, not that I get much opportunity for that sort of alone time at home right now anyway.

The main point of this post happened during the chat. Which was a hassle, wanking and typing on a phone at the same time as trying to keep the camera on my cock. He wanted to make me cum, sit in my cock, I asked to see his arse, and then I got this question.

"You like bb?"

Never fails to make my heart drop. Not really the most conductive state to be wanking in, that of disappointment. I am here trying to spunk and then I am faced with this dilemma I've been dealing with for the past couple of months. There were a couple of seconds where I considered stopping the call right there and just hiking up my pants, shutting off the lights and going to sleep.

But I didn't. So here was my moment to do things differently. To stand up for what I want, or what is right for me as I've decided myself.

"I don't do it"

I think I did pretty well for my first attempt at being direct. It's not preachy or judgmental. It's not too vague or wishy-washy. Clear and to the point.

My reward from him was that instead of cumming in his arse as he said before, I could now do it on it. (When he said in his arse I started to wonder, but seconds later I got the barebacking question which killed the mystery.) But whatever, I just have to keep it up.

But now I'm not really sure how to feel about this guy. He'd asked me before if I played safe, which was a big relief not to be asked the other question. His profile had the safer sex section down as 'always', I'm sure it did. So how am I supposed to process those facts now? Was this question just some heat of the moment comment said when he was too horny to censor it? Was it just a case of talking about it to help get himself off? (It probably added a couple of minutes to my time, about 25 minutes.) Or was he serious and all that safe play business was just something he does at the beginning?

I don't really care if people want to not use condoms with whoever they want. As long as that person isn't me. I don't know why, if it is the case that he was after bareback sex the whole time, people don't just indicate that and not use 'always' when they don't mean it. Of all the things to lie about when hooking up online—your age, marital status, name, etc.—why lie about this?

It's partly my fault I got in this mess, I was the one who messages him back. I was messaging a bunch of people in an effort to be more active about my relationships with people, and he was one of them. In my defence, I had been lured in with a nice face and the promise of rubbers.

Mobile: owning a 'boi'

I mentioned J.L. briefly before. He's the guy who likes kidnapping roleplay. Thinking back on the first messages we sent, it was pretty innocuous. I just thought he was joking around when he mentioned ransoms and someone taking him away.

But it's not a joke. He's pretty serious about it. Would love to have a whole scene play out where he's bound up and gagged.

Tonight he mentioned seeing some rugby lad out and mentioned that he was wearing a vest (and bondage mask, some kind of university night out by the sounds of it). I said I might have a bit of a thing for vests. I meant on other guys, but he suggested incorporating one into this roleplay. I said I'd need to work on my muscles (Rugby Lad was apparently quite fit and I really am not at the moment). And that was when he said it.

"I want you to own me. I want you to own me and be your boi."

'Boi' threw me a bit, jokingly asked if that was possible with him being older than me. But it's psychological, he said. I always associated it with young submissive twinks and thus lost interest whenever the term arose. I'm not really a big fan of the term either way, but I'm also not one of roleplay but I'll at least give it a go. If I'm not that affected by it and he's happy with it, there's no harm, is there?

The definition of what it means to be 'owned' matched what I thought. Bound and gagged (his big thing), fucked, made to blow me regularly, used for my sexual pleasure and the roleplay. Also to act a bit 'dom' with him in public. Make it clear that I'm the alpha male, and he's my bitch. How that's done is still a bit of a mystery to me.

I never really put much stock into words like 'alpha' before, never considered them... well, worth considering. I only really have a cartoonish image of a stereotypical 'alpha male' in my mind, but that might be more to do with how I relate to the word more than the concept itself.

I'd wanted to try out bondage and see what it's like since talking with J.C. ages ago, although that was on the other end. And lately I've felt more like a 'top'. Instead of imagining having sex with a guy and being the passive one, I think about fucking them instead. So the idea of fucking him and having him suck my cock is appealing. I did sort of spun the idea in my head to involving scenarios like getting another bloke over and both of us fucking him from the 'used for [my] sexual pleasure' part. Maybe that's going too far/thinking too much with my dick.

It's just the 'dom' aspect left now. In a way this plays into the previous post I made. When I said that completely changing yourself is easy in theory. Changing from a docile and meek character to an 'alpha male' is a big change. And to be honest, not one I have any particular reservations about trying on. Playing that role, so to speak. 'Fake it until you make it' is used a fair bit in reference to confidence and self-esteem training. The idea that you can obtain traits by acting as if you have them already in the meantime. Maybe trying to act all alpha and dominant will eventually lead to it coming more naturally. Which can't hurt anything.

But first he wants a Valentine's card. I have never had to get one for anyone before. And I will be late with it now. But is it alpha to tell him to not whine and accept it whenever it gets there? Or is that just rudeness? I am mixing the two up.

I'd been messaging G.M. for a couple of weeks before arranging anything. I couldn't make the time up until lately. Arranged to meet up on a Saturday morning. Over the course of our sporadic messages, another guy came into the picture. What had been the two of us was now a threesome. G.M. talked about how he bets this guy he'd hooked up with before could take two cocks at once. It's been a while since I really slept with anyone, and I was letting my cock do the thinking more than anything.

I was anxious as I made my way towards the hotel early on a Saturday morning. Perhaps a degree more nervous than I have normally been in the past. I think a lot of events both recent and from the past year have taken a toll on me and changed me but not necessarily all for the better. I hadn't had much contact with G.M. before hand, and wasn't sure if I had seen a face picture of him or not. Someone had sent one, but I couldn't remember if it was him or another guy. Turns out it was another guy.

He asked at one point if I was disappointed with what I saw. I wasn't really. He was about my height, older than me but I can't remember his exact age (late 30's to 40's), average body with a bit of grey in his hair and blue eyes. His eyes were nice. I was pretty happy with what I'd got.

The first ten minutes or so were spend sitting across the room from each other drinking coffee. That first part is always a bit of a mystery to do. We're here for a specific purpose, a shared reason. But is it appropriate to just waltz right up to this guy you've met in person about a minute ago and start touching him? How long do you wait? In the past, it's not usually been that much of a wait. Coat and shoes off, and that was it. This was a rather nice change.

But after a bit of a chat and finishing off the coffee we sat on the bed and started making out. The other guy wasn't going to be there for another 20-odd minutes, and he wanted to spend the time kissing. I wasn't about to complain, although after the fact I might have had a few. My mouth was tired after a while, and he had stubble just coming in which ended up cutting my lip a bit afterwards. He took a bit of a break to check up with the guy who was meant to be there soon.

He was lying on his back sending a message to the other guy, while I was sitting straddled on his crotch, rubbing my hand on his chest. I enjoyed this part the most, if I'm honest. I can't really put my figure on exactly what about it I like so much. Perhaps it was just that it was a bit of physical affection that was a slight bit more mundane and quiet than sex. Sex is great and all, but occasionally the little things are nice.

I started licking and gently biting at his nipples once he'd finished his message. I got a fair bit of praise for that and the kissing. Moved along to his armpits for a bit. Pits might be something I'd like to explore more in the future. I've always had a bit of thing for them. After this he was on top of me, sitting over my chest with his cock in my face. I sucked him off a bit while waiting for the other guy. It wasn't too long before that moment arrived. G.M. kept saying he'd be happy to just carry on alone, but he did go and fetch the third guy.

He was more the 'straight to business' type. No talk and coffee, he was getting undressed the moment the door was closed. G.M. followed suit and I tried to keep up. I did feel a lot more comfortable than I have in the past with getting undressed. I don't know what had changed. I'm not in any better shape, probably in worse shape than I have been. I don't think I've gone through any positive mental shifts. But I was more at ease.

Other Guy was soon on his knees sucking G.M.'s cock, then my cock, and then both at once. That's something that sounds like it'd be hot, but I could feel his teeth a bit too much. Don't know if that's down the mechanics of having two cocks in your mouth or if it was just a flaw in his technique. But when he was just blowing me, it was good. I haven't enjoyed oral that much in the past but I think I'm growing more fond of it. Maybe feeling more comfortable helped out. G.M. was kissing me while I was getting the blow job, and his hand was rubbing my arse. After a while G.M. switched places with Other Guy and I made out with him for a bit.

Then he said he'd like to see G.M. fuck me. I hadn't come here expecting to fuck, hadn't really got myself ready for it or anything. But I agreed, I did kind of want it anyway. I got face down on the bed, G.M. got a condom and some lube, and pushed into me. But it just hurt, so I said that wasn't going to happen today. As I went to the bathroom to get the lube off me I could hear G.M. say "I told you he was a top!" I hadn't said that, but that was going to be the arrangement for the day.

By the time I came out the bathroom Other Guy was sitting on G.M.'s dick. I moved over to the side of them and kissed G.M., before standing on the bed so Other Guy could suck my cock while he was getting fucked. I also blew him while G.M. was ramming into him. There was a point when I wasn't that bothered about the prospect of threesomes any longer, but after this--coincidentally my third group experience--I am more up for it again. If I can work on myself and feel more at ease, I think I would really enjoy the experience. I kind of wish this whole session had lasted longer.

Other Guy jerked himself off and blew his load onto G.M.'s stomach, and G.M. came as he fucked. I didn't come that morning. Other Guy blew me for a bit, and G.M. wanked me off, but it wasn't happening. Other Guy soon got himself ready to leave, and was out of the door. Strictly business. When he'd gone G.M. mentioned that he didn't like it when guys just leave, but it was getting close to check-out time. I quite like hotel room sex. Being in a hotel. But on the morning of check-out, not so much. I like to have a bit of time afterwards to bask a little.

G.M. asked me what I thought of the Other Guy. "Don't worry, I don't really know him, you can be honest." I mentioned that I could taste cigarette smoke on him, which is a turn off for me. G.M. said he said on his profile that he didn't smoke, but obviously he did. And he had some body odour, like he hadn't washed beforehand. G.M. apologised for the failed attempt to fuck me, said Other Guy was being cheeky and trying it on. He'd already been told I was a top but still pushed his luck. Next time, G.M. said, it'd just be the two of us. Some time at the beginning of March. I'm looking forward to it.

Think I will be change my online profile from versatile to active/versatile, though. I've felt more like being a top lately, and bottoming again will need a bit of prep and work.

Running Up That Hill

There's going to be a trial study here in the UK (I think it actually started last year) for the PrEP treatment, where you take anti-retroviral medication (Truvada) to reduce the chances of HIV transmission. Not that I will be taking part. I didn't like Truvada when I had to take it as part of PEP, though maybe that was due to the other meds as well. And I don't meet the criteria of having had unprotected anal sex in the last three months, and were likely to do the same again in the future. I'm not about to run out and fuck someone just so I can take part in a medical study.

I thought back on P.G. saying we didn't need to use condoms if we fucked, and there was a part of me that in retrospect just thought "yeah, why not?" I know why not. It's not like these are just reasons I'm told I should have, merely messages received from others. It's things I believe myself. Things that I want for myself.

That idea of "why not?" might be more down to apathy and weariness. That after it seeming like this is what everyone else is doing, there's no point fighting it. That my choices are either celibacy or putting myself at that risk when sleeping around.

Which is stupid. I know logically that's not the only way. There's still plenty of people who are sleeping around and not barebacking. It's a case of standing up for my right to have sex how I want it. But as I've written in the past, I don't always hold my ground.

I wish I had it in me to just stop things then and there the second any bloke mentions fucking raw. Maybe I'm not in the right state mentally at the moment to be negotiating these things. These past couple of weeks have been a bit shit for me.

But stepping back and thinking more reasonably about that, why don't I have it in me? What stops me?

It's something I've spent a fair bit of today thinking about, though mostly relating to other things. The best answer I can reach so far is that it's because that is how I've lived my life up until now. Really, there's nothing that's technically stopping me from changing completely, except that I wouldn't have the model of experience to base my behaviour on that I do if I were to keep doing what I've always done. Which makes this inability all the worse. How hard is it to say 'sorry, not interested'? And online, with all the means to block someone if they don't take it well?

In other situations (say taking the effort to message someone and not getting a response) there's an element of rejection and disappointment that can be off-putting. But in the case of a guy who's trying to take things in a direction I don't want to go in, I'm already disappointed. It's not like there is any more negative outcomes from saying no, as opposed to going along with something contrary to what I want to be doing.

It's obviously a lot easier to say these things than it is to actually do it and change yourself completely. But as a start, that is what I will try to do. Next time someone starts suggesting something I don't want, to just say straight out that I'm not interested. No trying to soften it with 'I'm not sure about that' or 'I'm not keen on this' but to just say clear and simple that I don't want it.

Online things have slowed down lately, I'm not really getting much from anything. Not sure when I will get the chance to put this into practice next, but I am going to keep it in mind until the opportunity arises.