Milestones & To Do List

I've managed to reach 5000+ hits recently (discounting ones that were just me). Considering I don't make the effort to expand readership of this thing, that's something.

Things have been going relatively well for me lately. Therapy is going on nicely, I feel like I've been making progress. Still loads I want to sort out. Employment, housing, social life, getting in shape. Kind of want to bulk up to more of a 'muscle bear' body type (like the porn star Paul Wagner) but I don't know if I have the patience or discipline, might make do with being a bit more muscular and a bit leaner. Getting in shape especially is one I want to focus on, now I'm feeling better in myself. Some of it is health and general benefits that being fitter would bring, but I'm not going to lie. A lot of it is down to sex. Look better, be able to last longer and be physically stronger.

Some guy I was chatting to started talking about fisting. I don't want to be on the receiving end, and am not really sure I'd like to do it to someone. But I did think about what I would like to do (with video examples):

Bulge worship
I remember seeing a few videos where one guy was made to crawl on all fours, and had his face pushed into the clothed crotches of a group of men. While I don't care much for being made to crawl, I do like the 'worship' aspect.


Being talked dirty to
While I've had guys say the odd line now and then, I'd like to try it where they are a lot more commanding and dominant. Being told what to do, what's going to happen, that kind of thing. If they have a nice voice, that's a bonus. I'm a sucker for a nice voice.


Public cruising
I guess it's the spontaneous nature of this that sounds appealing, being outdoors and not knowing who will turn up. Which could be good or could be awful (don't think the guy in the video cares much about that). The guys at 8 minutes in who start feeling each other was another thing I liked.


The first two are easy enough to do, just find a guy and nuzzle his cock/get him to be a bit bossy. Cruising is slightly harder because I'm still not sure where you'd go (except one place that I've heard a bunch of stories about where men have been attacked), and it's a lot more unpredictable. Unless, I suppose, you went with someone and then started messing around with each other in public and let others walk by and maybe join in.

Still in my no-sex period until I'm done with this HPV treatment, so it's something for the future.

I've had my confrontation with T.N. now, made it clear it wasn't going to happen. Never going to happen. I told him in a club on a night out, said directly that I wasn't interested. But then he walked home with me, saying he wanted another answer without drink involved and after thinking it over. I didn't say a word to him all the way home. My answer didn't come from the alcohol, and thinking about it more wouldn't change my mind. I wasn't going to suddenly be interested in him. I've never been interested in him. I could fill an entire post with things I find unattractive about him.

I didn't say anything, but he never stopped talking. A lot of my suspicions were confirmed, and some new things came out. He was jealous of any man who got close to me, like the stranger the other week. He planned to try to 'wine and dine' me now he had found a new job, as if that would influence me or that I would even agree to go at all. That he thinks he could give me a 'better life', like I would have a good life living with someone I felt nothing for (barely even socially). That I should feel bad, that he wants me to feel bad, for not giving him a straight answer before. I'm not going to let him tell me how to feel, and I don't feel bad at all. I won't. It shouldn't be my responsibility to tell him he should move on, when I don't even know how he got the idea I was interested at all. I have been overtly distant and cold towards him for months. It was his delusions. He talked about how I was smiling at him last year at a party, but I don't know what he was talking about. If I did, it didn't mean anything.

I texted my friend (who was there the other week) the next morning, who told me more things I didn't know. When I had walked home the previous night, he seemed to know when to go his separate way. I never said I lived there, never told him anything except the area name. I tried to confront him about it today, but he just said that I told him I lived near a park and must have stopped walking. I know from my friend that there was more to it than that. He has sat outside my house. I don't know when. He must have looked up my address and stalked me. That was disturbing to learn. Even outside my house it felt like he was following me around. He'd suddenly appear behind me while I was walking somewhere. That seems even more suspicious now given this.

I also learnt that he thinks I've slept with loads of people he or I know. None of whom I have actually slept with. Some of them I've never been alone with. He is just so jealous of anyone being near me. He wants me all to himself. His constant invitations to spend the weekend with him or to meet up during the week. It's all been exactly what I thought I was, excuses to spend time with me alone.

I regret ever having slept with him, ever having spent any time at his house. Regret ever letting him get close at all. I thought he just wanted to be friends, that he was trying to help me socialise, but it hasn't been at all. He admitted he has been in love with me for all the time we've known each other. I never once felt that way about him. If I slept with him, it was because I was drunk or pressured into it or because I was upset about other men and used him.

I feel like I've found the gay version of a 'Nice Guy'--the kind of men who are friendly towards women, listening to their problems and doing nice things and being their friend, in the hopes that the women will eventually see how great they are and sleep with them. It isn't a good feeling. I understand more than ever why women hate that kind of guy.

Meanwhile, I have a guy who actually is attractive who wants to meet me for drinks.

Mobile: diagnosis

Gential warts (HPV).

I'm surprisingly mellow about the news. I guess because it's not serious, and so easily and widely spread (I think the figure was half of sexually active people have the virus). Just skin contact can transmit it, and beyond celibacy or fetishes involving complete coverage of the body you can't avoid that kind of contact. Though kind of annoyed they didn't offer the vaccine when I was a kid/before I had sex. But anyway, I'm not beating myself up about this so that's positive. 

The doctor started treatment straight away, using a freezing spray. He said it he'd test it with a quick spray to see if it hurt. It didn't, so he got on which the main treatment. That's when the pain started. They treat it by freezing it, leaving it to thaw, then repeating the process two more times. Each time it started getting more painful. It wasn't unbearable or anything but there was discomfort there. After he'd finished and popped out the room while I pulled my pants back up it started hurting. Then he told me I'd have to keep coming back for at least two more weeks to get more treatments. 

Looking at the leaflet it said it is best to avoid sex while there are warts visible. Which means another three sexless weeks. Changed my profile on Scruff to say I'm not looking for hook ups. Considered not using it at all, but I've decided to keep on checking it. Maybe in the hopes of something more quaint and innocent. Making friends, dates that don't end in a bed somewhere. Maybe making out and a bit of over-the-clothes groping. That would be nice, and to stop there without the pressure to go further. 

If I thought "I'll fool around with you but there's warts on my cock so I'll leave my pants on" would go over well I would be fine, but I have my doubts. 

I'm Not Yours

Tomorrow morning I'm off to the GU clinic again. I went for tests a couple of weeks back, which were all negative (though I still need a repeat blood test for HIV in a month or two). But then on Saturday, I was getting ready to go out and when I cleaned the head of my dick I saw blood. It wasn't a lot, but it's not a spot you expect to or want to see any blood. On one side near the 'banjo string' bit on the underside (medical name eludes me) there is a small patch of little bumps, which is where the blood came from. I haven't had sex of any kind since C.J., and my last test was after that. Considering the possibility of a false negative last time. But C.J. didn't actually touch my cock. Didn't suck me off, didn't wank me, I didn't fuck him. The most I did was maybe rub against him. Which might be enough for herpes. I don't want herpes. I'm hoping it is just something benign and easily sorted.

But it has meant I've abstained from having sex. And it's not for lack of offers, for a change. I've just had to try to brush them off without saying the real reason. Which might have spoilt my chances with some. There is this stocky/husky lad who wants to be fucked. Hot, sweaty sex in a hotel, or failing that a blowjob on a dark street. I have been leading him on for nearly a week, so he might have lost interest. 

***

On Saturday I met with a friend and T.N. (I am wary of calling him a 'friend' now) at a pub. There was supposed to be some kind of music event going on (in the end it turned out that they'd got the date wrong). When I got there, there was this guy I'd never seen before sitting with them. I figured this was a friend of my friend. He seemed really pally with him, but later on he was pally with some strangers at the next table. Afterwards I found out he wasn't a friend of anyone I knew, he was just a guy who was really drunk and sociable. 

He wasn't bad looking. Just over 30, with blond hair and really nice blue eyes. When I sat down at the table he was talking about the night before. He had gone to a party, made out with a guy, got really drunk and woke up in another part of town missing his shirt and wearing his jumper inside-out. He was out this afternoon 'topping up' before hosting a party himself that evening. The first thing he said when I sat down was that I had nice teeth. "Don't let anyone tell you you need braces." (I had one in my early teens, which is why my top teeth are straight now.) Then he complimented my beard, complaining that his wasn't as nice. Told me I had nice eyes. Kept on tell me (and T.N.) to relax and laugh. T.N. revealed afterwards that he did not like the experience at all, but I wasn't bothered. Not relaxing is just how I am at the moment, something I need to work on and change. I wish I could be more like this drunken dude randomly striking up conversations with strangers as if he's known them for years.

Eventually, the conversation turned towards sex. I had assumed the guy was gay, having made out with a bloke the previous night and giving me little compliments throughout the afternoon. That is, until he mentioned a girlfriend to the men at the next table. Followed, upon his return to our table, by talking about having sex with men. Specifically the ones there. Who that would be jumped around a bit, but eventually settled on me. But then, I had been the recipient of a lot of little bits of flattery over the course of this drinking session. And a quick peck on the mouth at one point. From that point on, his sights were solely on me. Commence repeated badgering for sex.

Not just sex, though. He has this women, at his place right now. Her biggest fantasy is to watch him get fucked by a man, he said. And he wanted me to be that man. 

I had seen blood on my cock minutes before I left the house. I wasn't in the mood for having sex. But I was kind of tempted. There was a bit of appeal to it. Or rather, him. The prospect of the woman didn't fill me with much excitement. I'm not one to be completely disgusted by the idea of sex with a woman, I just don't find myself drawn to the idea. If I did it, it would be out of curiosity as to what it's like. That's it. And I wasn't feeling all that curious that day. The promise of her giving me 'the best blowjob of my life' didn't sway me. (If I were to have sex with a woman, I would try to at least go for the things you can't get from or do to a guy.)

We left the pub, and he came along. I had to hold him up at one point, and stop him from opening a rubbish bag in the street. Apparently we were on the way to a department store. I wondered why, but later found out the reason was to ditch this guy. I'm kind of assuming it was all T.N.'s idea; I can't remember exactly who suggested going there, but he did mention wanting to go there a couple of times and he didn't like this guy. Outside the store it was time to say goodbye to Drunk Stranger here. Except he wasn't going to go without a fight. I stood with him in the middle of the avenue, the other two waiting by the door of the department store. T.N. shouting my name a couple of times, which was kind of annoying.

"The best sex of your life. It'll be amazing. How can you say no to that?"

His main tactic was asserting that it would be the best sex of my life; me, him, and this woman who was very 'nasty and filthy'. He dangled his keys in front of me. His keyring was a capital D studded with diamonds (I'm guessing they weren't real), trying to lure me back to his by waving this in my face. But I wasn't having sex that day, what with the bloody bumpy cock and all. Plus it felt awkward to leave people like that. I've done it before, gone home with people, but I had gone out solo on those occasions. Now I was with people properly, and my name was being called. So I made my apologises and said my farewells.

Over the course of the afternoon T.N. kept referring to the guy as a 'tramp'. That started to grate on me. To be honest, a lot of his behaviour is starting to. But that just seemed unnecessarily bitchy and mean-spirited. Once my friend left it was just me and T.N., who wanted to go for another drink. I declined, my head was hurting a bit and I try to avoid drinking alone with him. While I waited for my bus home, he started talking about how he wanted to have me as his boyfriend last year. And that he would like to have another go at it. He's in a more stable place in life now. He was a bit of a mess before, but it'd be better this time. This was a bit of a shock, as he had said previously that he knew it wasn't going to happen. That he should look for a boyfriend. (Don't fucking look to the man who already spurned you, that's a good first step.)

He should have held on to that realisation that it wasn't going to be, because nothing has changed.

But perhaps slightly, it has. For the worse. My friend sent me a message a few days later, saying he was sorry if he had offended me on Saturday. I had no idea what he meant, but that is what T.N. had told him. When I asked T.N. directly what made him say that, I got some rambling replies back that didn't make sense. I pray that he doesn't have to write any kind of important documents, because his ability to express himself with words is abysmal. My friend's replies, though, made a lot more sense.

T.N. just doesn't want anyone else near me. He's jealous, so he tries to get others away. He's obsessed with me. He says he just doesn't like how my friend always brings certain things up, but that has nothing to do with me. He talks about how this friend antagonises people. Badmouthing people I appear to like is something T.N. seems fond of. He wants me to have something special with him, he talks about there's 'respect between us' and how important our relationship is. I don't know what relationship he sees that is so important. I feel more like his companionship is forced on me at this point.

T.N., said today when I saw him that my friend had sent him a bunch of text messages, saying often that I'm "not [T.N.'s] boyfriend." Although I didn't, I wanted to smile when I heard that. I've known this guy for less time than T.N., but already he's closer to me than he is (he's also more fun to be around). I'm more comfortable talking to him about these things than I am even making bland small talk with T.N.. I told him that I didn't like the way T.N. always starts talking about me being his boyfriend when everyone else is gone, how he's pressured or pestered me into sleeping with him. I would tell him more but T.N. is naturally around all the time, and even him just being there stops me from talking much. I want to talk about other stuff. Like how I hate the way T.N. will say one thing publicly and do another privately. He said publicly he doesn't like rimming because he finds the idea of it unpleasant; he actually does like it, which I had to find out first hand (even if I didn't want him to do it). He made a disapproving remark about bareback porn, yet he tried to fuck me bareback without even discussing it (again when I didn't want to have sex with him, and thankfully he didn't get to).

A couple of months back, some guy in a club started walking up to me and kissing me during the night. He actually had a thing for T.N., to his displeasure. He also forced a kiss (and grope) on T.N. on the same night. Later everyone had to hear about how awful that was. Oh, how terrible. To have someone you're not interested in pushing themselves on you like that. Who would do such a thing?

This was followed by him badmouthing both that guy, and his hot friend I made out with afterwards. Of course.

***

T.N. is always asking me if I want to stay at his house for the weekend. To 'chill out'. As if that will happen. I cannot think of a situation I am less likely to feel chilled out in that trapped in a house with him for a weekend.

My friend suggested that I tell him I'm seeing someone. While it would be nice for that not to be a lie (and there are two or three guys I'm interested in), I might have to make do with telling some untruths for now until he accepts it and moves on.