Year One

On Friday it was exactly a year since this. It went by without much fanfare. I mean, what would you expect? It's not something I share with everyone. It's not something you make a big show and dance about.

But it lead me to think a bit about how this past and what I've done during it to change. Basically it boiled down to:

- As far as sex goes I haven't repeated the same mistake, despite being close once. But I also haven't had much sex since then. Without going back and looking at what I've written here, it's only been six occasions. Four one-on-one sessions (P.G. who smelt of smoke and weed, T.M. which was just unpleasant, one I've never written about but for no big reason, and P&D's P which was the best) and two threesomes (first with P&D which ended before it really began, and then with G.M. and the other guy). That's 7 people, which seems quaint. But there were plenty of times when I didn't feel up to hooking up, and the time when I was taking PEP and waiting for the follow-up results from that. That, added with the living situation that spoilt it before then as well, didn't really lead to much action.

- I've gotten a bit better at asserting myself lately. There were times at the beginning where I let people lead me into things I didn't want (T.M. again), but lately I've gotten better at sticking up for myself partly. I managed to say no when men started suggesting barebacking (on three occasions so far), but still got myself into a corner like when the guy who didn't want me to wash my cock (so he could suck it like that) wanted me to go to some strange town on the buses I don't know at all. My tactic has been to just go quite, not initiate contact (or sometimes not reply at all) and hope they give up. It seems to have worked for the guy above, and I've not heard anything from the guy I Skyped with who wanted me to bareback him (but is that just the flakiness of hooking up online?). It's not really the best strategy, though.

- Health-wise, I've not been treating myself that good. I've found my mood dropping and so I don't take good care of myself. Let myself go these past few months. I'm still not back on track, but do at least want to start and not completely given up. Wanting alone isn't enough, but it's a start.

- Still, I'm getting myself out the house and meeting people. In a non-sexual way, anyway. It's not always gone perfectly, but it never will if you don't put yourself out there and try.  I've done a bit better with it recently, and I'm feeling more positive about it.