Skin on the head of my cock has cleared up, so I can start using this wart cream again. Just in time, because another string of warts has popped up on the interior of my foreskin. Got two tubes of lice cream from the GUM clinic (for free, thank fuck) a fortnight ago. Used the second on Friday (to kill off any lice that hatched from eggs since using the first lot of cream). Not seen any lice since then, so I'm hoping I'm all clear now. Every time I feel a little itch I think it's a crab again.
But this still means another 3 weeks using what I have left of the wart cream. Which means another 3 weeks of keeping my dick to myself and in my pants.
A guy I was talking to, who I made the rare (for me) decision to add on Facebook despite not having met him, has posted some things that point to him going on a couple of dates with someone. I only really talked with him on Scruff, which I've not loaded up in weeks. Maybe a couple of months now. But then, he lives in another city that's an hour away by train where I don't know anyone else. I'd have to rely on him for a place to stay (which isn't really too unreasonable seeing as I'd probably be fucking him if we did meet). And I can't expect him to wait for me, when I'm not keeping in touch with him.
***
Having a long period where I wasn't willing to even try to have sex with anyone (I have come to realisation that if I really, really, really wanted to, there would be someone who would do it literally warts and all; that is not for me, though), I've been thinking more about what I want for myself.
Just having sex with people has lost a lot of appeal lately. No doubt having a gross lump on my dick and lice crawling on me contributed to this. But it feels more like it had just strengthened something I was already already starting to feel, a sort of dissatisfaction with casual sex. Or at least the casual sex I was having, which tended to be the 'one-night stand' kind where I'd see them once and that would be it.
There haven't been that many exceptional experiences. When I look back at what I've done in the past, the parts that weren't straight-up sexual stand out more. I like the physical intimacy. The parts that took place around the sex more than the sex itself in most cases. I liked the parts before penetration, the build-up where you're fooling around. The 'afterglow' moments afterwards. I liked just sitting or lying with guys just watching a film more than I have some of the actual sexual encounters.
I was rather indiscriminate which who I slept with. And a lot of that is feeling like I had an obligation to follow through with hooking up. That if someone showed an interest, I should reply and go along with it. Even if I wasn't that into it. Even if I felt awkward. I would even hope maybe something happened that meant the whole thing was called off, because I didn't have it in me to stay that I wasn't interesting, especially after chatting for a bit.
I talked to some guy who wanted me to not wash my cock for him so he could suck off what built up (and then fuck me bare, which I did manage to say I wouldn't do so it's not all bad), and this went on for longer than it really should have. That does nothing for me, I'm not interested in trying it. Yet I let it get dragged on for days, weeks. I don't want to try fisting in either position, but I still entertained someone who wanted me to do it to him. Because I felt like I had to 'be polite' and not turn anyone down.
But that didn't extend to me going after people I was interested in, even if just because I thought they were hot. I rarely made the effort to make the first move. I might leave a 'track' on their profile, maybe a 'woof' if I was feeling particularly good. But wouldn't send messages to people who didn't send some kind of signal to me first, like starting the conversation themselves or woofing on Scruff.
It stems from the way I view myself. I don't take the initiative because I don't think there is a point, because I'm just not that much of a catch and I'm not going to wow anyone into being interested. But when someone I'm not interested in starts pushing for things, I don't turn them down because I struggle to stand up for myself. I go along with what other's want because I grew up with this idea that what I want wasn't important, that I wasn't important. I'm not so much concerned with psychoanalysing where this originated, as much as I am trying to get past it.
Even though I'm better than I might have been a few years ago, when I starting putting myself out there and meeting guys. But I still struggle with it. And having some encounter lasting a couple of hours with a guy who I then never hear from again doesn't really help. I don't think to myself 'wow, I guess some men do find me attractive' and feel better. I assume that some guys will just do it with anyone and that the reason they're never seen again is that I'm not someone wants to keep around.
Thinking like that is part of the problem, and in some ways you've got to make yourself into a person others want to keep around.
The first step towards doing something about this would be to be more social again. I haven't gone online to meet people in ages, and I'm skipped a bunch of social events these past few months. Sitting at home feeling sorry for myself isn't going to help anything. Leaving it longer and longer just makes the hesitation worse. It's best to just jump back into the game, because waiting isn't going to make it any easier.
But I still sometimes I guys who look hot and think I want to fuck them. But I'm hoping from now on, if I do still have casual sex, it'll be more on my terms. And with guys I really want to fuck.
