Mobile: successes and failures

Managed to have sex with someone again. I had its good points and bad points.

Good points were I felt more comfortable being naked and in the whole situation this time as well. That's the second time in a row (a short and very spaced out row but a row none the less). Still stuff about myself physically that I want to do something about, but I seem to be getting more comfortable in myself.

And I was getting fucked which actually worked this time. I tried poppers for the first time, but I'm not sure if that helped. I didn't really feel much different after having used them. Pretty sure I used them right (put the bottle under your nose and inhale), but maybe I didn't use enough. Or maybe it did work and I just didn't feel anything in my head.

Also got to cuddle for ages. It made me think that I do want a stable relationship if it means getting more of that. Being the little spoon, especially.

The bad, in ascending order, would be that I think I need to learn how to suck cock better. I did it but with some difficulty. Maybe I just don't actually like doing it. Maybe it isn't one of my things.

He wanted to try swapping cum, which was something me and another guy had discussed but didn't get the chance. So I tried it this time. But his spunk tasted really bitter, and the aftertaste stuck around for a bit too long.

But mostly on the bad side, he fucked me without a condom. Didn't do it to completion, he finished off by hand. But he still did it, and I let it go on for a while. Knew it was happening. He said he'd do it like that for a bit then get one. In the end I stopped it by saying it was hurting. I had dropped mentions of condoms into the conversation beforehand. He seemed to be going along with it, said he had them. But then it all started happening quickly and I didn't process it fast enough.

I knew what I actually wanted to say, but just couldn't get the words out. I had the words right there in my mind, but couldn't speak them. Actually talking and speaking my mind has always been a problem for me. People I've met online always say things like "you're so quiet in person but you talk a lot by text," which is true. Even just socially, I'm the same. Actually saying the words can be really hard to do. I think too much about it and then the moment to talk is gone because I've left it too long. I've started seeing a therapist at my doctors' surgery for cognitive behavioural therapy, and I'm hoping this is one of the things I can change. I've tried reading books on it myself but I either can't concentrate for long enough or become unmotivated. If I'm lucky having the pressure of someone else expecting me to work at it will help.

I caught myself trying to rationalise it, and the possible continuation. He said he'd gotten out of a long-term closed relationship recently, after 15 years. That he'd not slept with anyone else except his partner, this one guy they had a threesome with once, and me. That's what he said, anyway, and being in a relationship doesn't mean all's clear. But you start compromising a little and soon it all starts coming undone. Letting one thing slide leads to another and at one point you might find yourself letting the wrong things by.

I've not really beaten myself up over it this time, though. Maybe because, even if it was through lies, I managed to stop it part way. Maybe I have just learnt how not to be so harsh on myself without realising. Given that it was only done for a short while, risk-wise I probably won't need to go through PEP or anything again. I probably won't get it from this. They were close to not giving it me before, only really agreeing for my peace of mind. Given the levels of risk I'm not sure if they would agree this time. Nor would I want to go through it again.

So I'm disappointed in myself, but I know what to work on changing. And if he gets in touch and starts talking about having sex again, I want to say--albeit through text--that uses a condom the entire time. None of that 'just for a while' business again.