Love's Bullfight

I have been thinking lately about how hard I find it to let go of grudges.

I'm not really sure when or if I'd forgive T.N., and if I did it'd probably be a 'forgiven but not forgotten' deal. Looking at it now, I'm not sure anything would really change if I did forgive him, because I kind of feel like I'd still be a bit cold and distant towards him afterwards the same as I am now. Maybe I don't actually know what it means to forgive people.

It's because of stuff like this that I don't think I would take being cheated on too well.

I've had people betray my trust in the past, and I'm still hesitant about letting other people in. I'm liable to hold a grudge if the trust I did eventually place in someone is broken. Maybe not to the point of something drastic like chopping off body parts, but chances are things might never be the same again. I'm not really sure how I would react, but it would probably ruin things for me. I hold myself to some harsh standards, and I guess I'd be looking for the same in close personal relationships like that. If you agreed to something (like monogamy), then I'd expect you to keep to it.

This is jumping the gun a fair bit, since as I ought to worry about finding someone who's willing to stick around that long before plotting what will happen if they let me down. I've not really reached a conclusion as to where I stand on having an open relationship personally. I am up for the idea, but I don't know to what extent. For some it works (P&D got 'married' a couple of months ago), but I know another couple who recently started having an open relationship and are now split up.

There's all these things I need to get my head around first. But the matter of trusting people in the first place probably gets in the way a lot and I really don't know how to sort that out right now.