As I've tried to think about what it is I want out of my life, sex life in particular, I keep running into the same conclusions: I have no fucking idea.
I don't really know what it is I want right now. One guy, or a string of guys. A serious relationship or a 'friends with benefits' type of deal. Whore myself around or take it steady for a while.
Or nothing at all, until I sort my own head out. Job and general living situation. Do some self-improvement. Rather than worrying about where I'm putting my dick.
Part of the problem is probably down to my not knowing what it's like having sex with the same guy consecutively for an extended period of time. Maybe that's great, or maybe it's lacking something. It's not like I've been having lots of sex with different guys lately, so I wouldn't exactly be missing anything. To be honest, after a string of disappointments I've all but taken myself off the market.
It's not that I don't want to have sex. I just don't want to have to deal with everything that comes along with even casual sex. The rest of life in general is enough of a pain to cope with.
Friday, 16 December 2011
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
When A Man Loves A Woman
There's been a couple of times in my life when I thought I might be bisexual.
My earliest romantic and sexual thoughts were for girls. It was only as I started to get a bit older, maybe around late 13 to early 14 at the lastest, that I started looking more towards guys. By 15 it was pretty much solely guys.
Sadly one of those times weren't when I knew S(♀), who asked if I was bi when I'd told her I was gay. Because she had been hoping I was for her sake. I've carried a bit of guilt about that since then. I know that logically it's stupid to do so. After that conversation she started dating a guy who was an absolute twat, started smoking despite her poor health. Thoughts of guilt about possibly being a reason for these changes were tempered by another side of me asking myself who I thought I was, to even consider that I'd have that kind of an effect on someone. I don't know what happened to her since. I hope she's alright, though with her health there was the possibility that she wouldn't live to be my age. I considered looking for her grave, but I can't remember her surname. I hold out hope that I'll have it written down somewhere and that one day I'll find it again while moving.
It wasn't until I was about 19 that I really considered it again when I met J(♀). When I look back on it, I don't remember feeling anything sexual towards her. I remember the sex thoughts I had about half a dozen or more of our other, male coworkers. But try as I might, I don't remember her ever being in one.
In the following years I'd occasionally watch straight porn. There was a span of a couple of months when I think that's all I watched.
About 2 years ago I was surprised to find out that there's a swinger's/sex club in my town, and not that far from me. Apparently there had been some kind of gangbang filmed there. I had considered joining it at one point. But the biggest reason I'd considered it was that they held bi-nights focused on letting the men explore rather than the women (who might be able to do so on any night). I thought that if I was going to try it, a guy being there would be nice.
There was a period of time when I put 'bisexual' on profiles online. It was easier to say that than 'bi-curious'. You hear that, and you think it's curious about men. I didn't really feel like putting some explanation in my bio about how it was the other way around. (Though I might have gotten a bit of attention from men looking to turn me. Perhaps a missed opportunity there.) Although when I reflect on that, calling myself bi, I do regret it in a way. It can be hard enough for people to get others to accept bisexuality is even a real thing, without some guy making it look like yet another case of using "bi" as a stepping stone towards coming out as just gay.
Lately, that inclination has waned. Profile firmly fixed on 'gay' for the foreseeable future. My current grasp of that side of me is that it's not the idea of having sex with a woman I find exciting. There is a kind of curiosity about it. What's it like? How different is it from being with a guy? What's it like to go down on a woman? Would I be any good at it? (More importantly, I want to know if I would be better than my brother?) But as an act of lust, I don't feel compeled to seek it out or try it. When I looked at what I thought about when I wanked to it, I started to see that it was the guy(s) I was focusing on. I like men enough that even if they're having sex with women I still find them hot. If there's no men involved, say a woman on her own or two or more women together, it doesn't do anything for me.
The way I reason it is that if you are bi (of any degree; both genders equally or more strongly towards one in particular), you would feel some kind of drive. Like a sense of lacking or unfulfillment when this desire has not been satisfied. I just don't have that longing.
Though I have to admit that I have wondered what it's like to be bi. But it's always from an intellectual place than a lustful one. There's a feeling that arises at the thought of being with a guy. A kind of dull burning sensation in the centre of my chest, that quickens my breathing and makes me start biting my lip. If there's a woman out there who would make me feel like that, I've not met her or even seen her.
I have, however, met plenty of men who do inspire such feelings. I'm comfortable enough with this part of me now that I'm fine as I am. If the opportunity comes up at some point, I might take it up. But it's not something I'm going to actively seek out. It might feel good, I don't particularly doubt it would. I just don't have it in me to make an emotional connection to the act. I imagine that's somewhat men who have sex with other men purely for physical release might feel.
If I were to seek it out, it would be in the context of a MMF threesome. I'd want to fuck/be fucked by the guy, while fooling around with the girl if I felt like it. I find the idea of having sex together with another guy, even if we're not doing anything together all the time, pretty hot. I'm not really sure where you'd go to find something that like that. If anyone knows any sites open to the UK where this kind of bi-curious would be fine, feel free to share.
But I'd probably disappoint that couple when I flake on them. Because just days after I wrote the above paragraph, I've lost interest in the idea again. If it was going to happen, it'd have to be either during one of those curious streaks or after having fooled around with the guy for a while, the woman joins in when I'm worked up and more suggestible.
But I'm in no rush.
My earliest romantic and sexual thoughts were for girls. It was only as I started to get a bit older, maybe around late 13 to early 14 at the lastest, that I started looking more towards guys. By 15 it was pretty much solely guys.
Sadly one of those times weren't when I knew S(♀), who asked if I was bi when I'd told her I was gay. Because she had been hoping I was for her sake. I've carried a bit of guilt about that since then. I know that logically it's stupid to do so. After that conversation she started dating a guy who was an absolute twat, started smoking despite her poor health. Thoughts of guilt about possibly being a reason for these changes were tempered by another side of me asking myself who I thought I was, to even consider that I'd have that kind of an effect on someone. I don't know what happened to her since. I hope she's alright, though with her health there was the possibility that she wouldn't live to be my age. I considered looking for her grave, but I can't remember her surname. I hold out hope that I'll have it written down somewhere and that one day I'll find it again while moving.
It wasn't until I was about 19 that I really considered it again when I met J(♀). When I look back on it, I don't remember feeling anything sexual towards her. I remember the sex thoughts I had about half a dozen or more of our other, male coworkers. But try as I might, I don't remember her ever being in one.
In the following years I'd occasionally watch straight porn. There was a span of a couple of months when I think that's all I watched.
About 2 years ago I was surprised to find out that there's a swinger's/sex club in my town, and not that far from me. Apparently there had been some kind of gangbang filmed there. I had considered joining it at one point. But the biggest reason I'd considered it was that they held bi-nights focused on letting the men explore rather than the women (who might be able to do so on any night). I thought that if I was going to try it, a guy being there would be nice.
There was a period of time when I put 'bisexual' on profiles online. It was easier to say that than 'bi-curious'. You hear that, and you think it's curious about men. I didn't really feel like putting some explanation in my bio about how it was the other way around. (Though I might have gotten a bit of attention from men looking to turn me. Perhaps a missed opportunity there.) Although when I reflect on that, calling myself bi, I do regret it in a way. It can be hard enough for people to get others to accept bisexuality is even a real thing, without some guy making it look like yet another case of using "bi" as a stepping stone towards coming out as just gay.
Lately, that inclination has waned. Profile firmly fixed on 'gay' for the foreseeable future. My current grasp of that side of me is that it's not the idea of having sex with a woman I find exciting. There is a kind of curiosity about it. What's it like? How different is it from being with a guy? What's it like to go down on a woman? Would I be any good at it? (More importantly, I want to know if I would be better than my brother?) But as an act of lust, I don't feel compeled to seek it out or try it. When I looked at what I thought about when I wanked to it, I started to see that it was the guy(s) I was focusing on. I like men enough that even if they're having sex with women I still find them hot. If there's no men involved, say a woman on her own or two or more women together, it doesn't do anything for me.
The way I reason it is that if you are bi (of any degree; both genders equally or more strongly towards one in particular), you would feel some kind of drive. Like a sense of lacking or unfulfillment when this desire has not been satisfied. I just don't have that longing.
Though I have to admit that I have wondered what it's like to be bi. But it's always from an intellectual place than a lustful one. There's a feeling that arises at the thought of being with a guy. A kind of dull burning sensation in the centre of my chest, that quickens my breathing and makes me start biting my lip. If there's a woman out there who would make me feel like that, I've not met her or even seen her.
I have, however, met plenty of men who do inspire such feelings. I'm comfortable enough with this part of me now that I'm fine as I am. If the opportunity comes up at some point, I might take it up. But it's not something I'm going to actively seek out. It might feel good, I don't particularly doubt it would. I just don't have it in me to make an emotional connection to the act. I imagine that's somewhat men who have sex with other men purely for physical release might feel.
If I were to seek it out, it would be in the context of a MMF threesome. I'd want to fuck/be fucked by the guy, while fooling around with the girl if I felt like it. I find the idea of having sex together with another guy, even if we're not doing anything together all the time, pretty hot. I'm not really sure where you'd go to find something that like that. If anyone knows any sites open to the UK where this kind of bi-curious would be fine, feel free to share.
But I'd probably disappoint that couple when I flake on them. Because just days after I wrote the above paragraph, I've lost interest in the idea again. If it was going to happen, it'd have to be either during one of those curious streaks or after having fooled around with the guy for a while, the woman joins in when I'm worked up and more suggestible.
But I'm in no rush.
Thursday, 8 December 2011
Submission
I have a slight problem admitting to having a side of me that wants to be submissive.
Before I started having sex, I assumed I'd bottom mostly. Then when it actually came to having sex, I end up on top more than anything. It's not something I usually push for, I don't go into meetings with the specific intent of fucking the guy most of the time. To be honest, lately I go more with the slight hope that I'll be the one getting fucked. But it's something I would like to do more for reasons beyond it just feeling good.
Part of it is pride. Having to submit to another man involves, even if it is temporary, being subservient. My pride can get in the way of a lot of things, and this is another case. It's not that I think there's something wrong with being submissive to another man. But there's so many other parts of life where I don't feel like I have control, so there's probably some element of wanting some avenue to be somewhat dominant.
And I guess part of it is also some notion of masculinity, that you're supposed to be strong and the one in charge. Which kind of gets in the way when there's two men involved. Someone is going to 'lose' their masculinity. I remember watching something where a guy (bisexual) said that he wouldn't bottom because it would be like giving up his masculinity. Which I find insulting (and not very nice for the guy sitting right in front of him who bottoms and would be doing so for him; you've basically just called him less of a man while he's sitting right there). I don't usually worry too much about what constitutes masculinity, since it's something that so often changes with history and geography. But that aspect of strength does seems to remain in most (if not all) cases.
Then again, I have a blog that involves a lot of writing about my feelings and worries and weaknesses. Not the most stereotypically masculine trait you could think of for the modern age.
Then again, I have a blog that involves a lot of writing about my feelings and worries and weaknesses. Not the most stereotypically masculine trait you could think of for the modern age.
It goes beyond just who gets fucked. I like to give blow jobs more than I've liked getting them in the past. I guess some of that might be down to body image. Having someone sucking your cock means they're going to be focusing on your cock, which still feels a bit strange to me. But even if I did enjoy getting oral more, I would still like giving it. Because I like making the other guy feel good. I can be satisfied with a session even if I don't come, because the other has and that can be enough.
In a sexual context, I like the feeling of being looked after or cared for. Of pleasing him because I want to, not because I'm being made to. I like being held. And despite what I said about control, I do like a bit of freedom from trying to be in control all the time.
In a sexual context, I like the feeling of being looked after or cared for. Of pleasing him because I want to, not because I'm being made to. I like being held. And despite what I said about control, I do like a bit of freedom from trying to be in control all the time.
(It does depend on who I'm with, though. If they're older or more bearish, I'm more likely to feel like that. If they're more than a year younger than me, I don't feel it.)
This isn't something that goes beyond the bedroom. The 24-7/lifestyle thing isn't for me. I don't want or need someone to be running or controlling my life in that way. It's just a sexual thing. The only time I'd like that outside is in the sense of foreplay, someone taking the lead and being the 'dom' in the lead-up to sex.
'Co-equal' was a word I've seen on another blog talking about it. I don't know much about the jargon for the whole sub/dom scene, but the way I take it, that describes how I feel about it. I don't want to be talked down to or slapped around. The abusive side doesn't do anything for me.
I don't mind if the guy tells me what to do, takes control, even if it's a little forceful. Like grabbing me and moving me around where he wants me. Even if it's pushing or dragging a bit. I get off when a guy is pressing me against a wall. But there has to be some kind of mutual respect.
***
J.C., who I mentioned in the previous entry, kind of prompted this post. I've not meet up with him yet, though I'm looking to soon since my availability has opened up. But a large part of our banter so far has involved me being submissive to him. Sometimes we'll switch it around, but it always starts out with him in the dominant position.
One of the things he talked about was shaving me, hair or beard. The idea does turn me on. And although I've not said anything about this to him, one of the things that gets me off the most is just the idea of him holding my head steady while he's standing over me doing it.
'Co-equal' was a word I've seen on another blog talking about it. I don't know much about the jargon for the whole sub/dom scene, but the way I take it, that describes how I feel about it. I don't want to be talked down to or slapped around. The abusive side doesn't do anything for me.
I don't mind if the guy tells me what to do, takes control, even if it's a little forceful. Like grabbing me and moving me around where he wants me. Even if it's pushing or dragging a bit. I get off when a guy is pressing me against a wall. But there has to be some kind of mutual respect.
***
J.C., who I mentioned in the previous entry, kind of prompted this post. I've not meet up with him yet, though I'm looking to soon since my availability has opened up. But a large part of our banter so far has involved me being submissive to him. Sometimes we'll switch it around, but it always starts out with him in the dominant position.
One of the things he talked about was shaving me, hair or beard. The idea does turn me on. And although I've not said anything about this to him, one of the things that gets me off the most is just the idea of him holding my head steady while he's standing over me doing it.
Sunday, 4 December 2011
Barebacking
Straight forward title for this one. To be honest, this is rambling and disjointed enough that worrying about where I might steal a title from shouldn't be the foremost issue at hand.
In October, I got the details of this guy, D.N., through someone else he'd be talking to. I'd been talking to the other (J.C.) for a while before that, but things kept getting in the way of us hooking up. They were thinking a threesome, but it would've had to wait. None of us had actually met, so we decided that it was best to wait until at least someone had met one of the others.
But D.N. started texting me late at night, wanting to meet up the next day. He's bi, but hadn't been fucked before, so he was looking for someone to fuck him. (Looking at lot, as I found out later, as he'd already gone and met someone and sucked them off sometime around when he was texting me.) I was getting horny over the messages, then he texted me this:
"So do you bb or not?"
I told him that I didn't, which he was fine with. In the end, other things came up for me and I cancelled. Not heard a word from him since, and the guy I'd met him through got told to only contact him if he wanted sex. He seemed to be doing fine for himself anyway.
***
I barebacked once before. Coincidently in a threesome. It was with a married couple, I was topping. One of the guys had tried to top me, but I was too tight and he gave up.
I was lying on my back when the guy sat on my cock. I couldn't really see what was going on down there, since his husband had his dick in my mouth. But one minute the guy was sucking me off, and the next he'd slipped my cock into him.
I honestly can't tell you how the sensation of fucking someone without a condom felt, because once I realised what was going on my mind was racing. "What am I doing? Why am I letting this happen? I hardly know these people." It was some kind of twisted notion of trying to be polite that stopped me from asking him if I was wearing a condom or to stop and get off me.
The lack of needing to take off a condom after he came and got off me confirmed the fact for me, unless he slipped it off and disposed of it without me realising. When I looked back on it all, I might have guessed that would happen. While talking with the guy I ended up fucking, he talked about me coming inside him.
In short, I stayed the night, freaked out but almost stayed for another night (ended up having to go home instead). Was ill in the following weeks, freaked out some more. Couple of mean-spirited comments from my brother, who takes every ailment as a sign that I've got AIDS, didn't help much. Got tested later in the month, freaked out when I got a message from the clinic, had to get another test. But it turned out to be all clear in the end. The message was about possibly having chlamydia (which I didn't have either).
That panicked reaction (even if I managed to keep it hidden during the threesome) pretty much describes me at my worst. I catasrophise situations to the point where I'm nearly making myself sick. But unlike situations that don't call for such an excessive reaction, this one does have potentially severe consequences. And in this case, it wasn't something that was properly discussed beforehand. We hadn't said flat out that we wouldn't use condoms, nothing was said before it happened. Not having that mental preparation no doubt contributed to the panic.
I'm not sure how I'd file away that experience. Things didn't go to plan, but I don't regret it and it was the first time I got to spend the whole night with another man (and two, no less).
***
If I had to pick a favourite food, cheesecake would probably be up there. 99% of the time if I order dessert, that's what I'll order. And rum and coke to drink. But if I had it every day or even every other, eventually something I love would start doing me harm. The benefit of eating it every day (it tastes really good) is overshadowed by the cost (what it'd do to my health).
But obviously, cheesecake, rum and barebacking aren't the same. Eating cheesecake non-stop will probably leave you fat and diabetic, but having one slice every couple of weeks isn't going to suddenly mean you need a crane to lift you out of bed. A couple of drinks now and then won't put you on the liver transplant list. But you fuck the wrong guy just once, and you could end up with something you'll be carrying with you for the rest of your life. I don't want a lifetime of being sick or needing to take medication. I don't want to put a strain on the health service or tax payers to pay for meds for something that I did to myself (to phrase it rather bluntly). I can't afford to pay for the cost myself right now, and I wouldn't want the added expense even if I could.
It's not a lack of wanting, I guess. It is something that, even if I didn't actually do it, I'd want at least the option of doing it. Though it's not an overwhelming desire, it's something I can understand. Right now, I just don't feel the need to do it with every guy I sleep with. It's not the act itself, it's the guy you're doing it with. It demands either trust in the guy or a disregard of fear. And it's fear and mistrust that stops me in so much of life. Given the other stuff I say about myself on this blog, there's no point in hiding this weakness. Honesty, even if it is through anonymity, is what I was aiming for here. I can't shake the fear of the worst case scenario.
Looking at the cost-benefit of barebacking, it's not something I'm prepared for at this time in my life. The pleasure of having sex without a condom last for a day, but can have an outcome that lasts the rest of yours.
***
Admittedly, I'm no paragon of safe(st) sex. I only use a condom with anal sex. I've never used one for oral, nor any kind of protection when fingering or rimming (or being fingered/rimmed). I let guys come in my mouth without much thought, and I'll lick it up if they come on their stomach/etc. I'm not really interested in telling other people what they should do with themselves nor do I have the right to, as I am obviously no poster child for safe sex. I know the risks but do so anyway, because I enjoy doing those things. Which is the same with barebacking. But the risks, possibly due to the higher volume of attention it gets, feel a lot higher with barebacking than other sex acts (or at least the ones I take part in), which is what stops me. And except for swallowing/licking up cum, that is probably the most high risk as far as the major concern (HIV) goes.
***
I don't know if you can have a stance on an issue like this without it coming across as judgemental. What have I just said about people who do choose to bareback? Am I implying that people who do bareback disregard their health? This is a rather contentious issue, so maybe it's unavoidable if it does come across that way.
I try to have a balanced view on this. I want to stand at a middle ground, not at either extreme of vilifying it as the gravest sin or exalting it as the only true way to have sex. Not to reduce it all down to this one single act, but also not treat it as the sexual equivalent of taking a gun to your head. The majority of what I've read so far have been either virulently pro-barebacking or likewise contra.
I can't say the arguments in support (beyond perhaps that it feels better) have swayed me much. 'The way nature intended' is a phrase I've seen a couple of times. But nature doesn't really give a shit about what you want or what's good for you. Otherwise no one would have heard of an 'unwanted pregnancy'. There's be no diseases or infections. We'd all be living long and happy lives fucking as we please with no negative side-effects.
It's not natural to use a condom (or lube for anal sex, for that matter). But not much about the modern world is. We travel the land, sea, and air at great speeds in various metal boxes. You can do all your foraging in a conveniently located building filled with everything you need to survive and hundreds more things you don't. And if nature tries to drag you to the grave through illness or accident (maybe involving one of those unnatural metal boxes), you've got specially trained people willing to help you cheat death and keep on living past what nature intended. They're conveniences there to make life easier or safer and not necessarily a bad thing.
***
I mentioned my brother earlier. His attitude and general homophobia is, besides the obvious 'health concerns', a big reason for wanting to try to avoid running the risk of HIV. That would basically tell him that he was right, for having called me 'diseased faggot' and thinking I've ruined my life. A mix of pride and sibling rivalry leads me to want to prove him wrong, to be better and healthier than him. It seems like such a vile cliché, but it's one he holds on to. I don't want to be gay and have HIV, because I don't want to live up to that image. Thinking I have to hold up some kind of image to the world that I'm not the worst stereotype of a gay man.
But freedom from having to fear catching HIV is a motive for some. Worrying about getting HIV is stressful, and yet the only way to be definitely sure of avoiding it is to never have sex again (or do intravenous drugs, or ever require a possibly tainted blood transfusion, etc.). I understand the idea that it can be liberating not to care. If you go out there, either with the expectation or in some cases desire to get HIV, then you don't have anything to fear any more if you catch it. The 'worst that could happen' has already happened. You can live your life without that fear, one of the most highlighted for gay men, hanging over your head every time you have sex.
But this is the one argument I will never understand. It's kind of like being glad that you're no longer going to cut your finger because you've lost your hand. It's still a negative, you're still at a disadvantage. Is your sex life of more worth than any other aspect of your life? Is it worth potentially cutting other sides of your existence--family life, social life, love life, work life, etc.--short because you want to say that you had a satisfied sex life at the end of it?
***
'Fucking without fear' is another mantra that gets brought out rather often from what I've seen.
I do admire the carefreeness that I assume that would take. And I guess what I want to know is what it's like not to have that kind of fear. How people live without it. Though even if I were free of it, that doesn't guarantee that I'd do it. It would be nice having the option that I can select, not that I'm forced into because I'm afraid.
***
I'd written more, but I want to stop here since I've already tried to shorten this as it is. I guess, to try to come to a conclusion (at least for now), I don't mind having to use a condom since that isn't the only aspect of sex for me. There's all the other things that make up sex that still mean I can enjoy it without barebacking. If it was in the context of a more meaningful/long time relationship where I knew where we both stood on it, then I would consider it. But for any casual encounters or someone I've not known that long, I can live without it.
But I do want to trust people. I want to believe that when people say they're 'clean and disease free', they mean it. Not that they're telling you the lies they think will get you into bed. I want there to be people out there who I can believe in. I want those kind of people to exist out there. I want someone like that in my life. If I did it, it would be because the guy is special.
So I can understand wanting to do it. Not wanting to feel that this is something so bad, so awful and inherently harmful that you need to be guarded from it. But for someone who spent the last 10+ years seeing the world as a living Hell, that kind of carefree attitude is some ways off for me. And maybe that carefree attitude isn't right for me.
In October, I got the details of this guy, D.N., through someone else he'd be talking to. I'd been talking to the other (J.C.) for a while before that, but things kept getting in the way of us hooking up. They were thinking a threesome, but it would've had to wait. None of us had actually met, so we decided that it was best to wait until at least someone had met one of the others.
But D.N. started texting me late at night, wanting to meet up the next day. He's bi, but hadn't been fucked before, so he was looking for someone to fuck him. (Looking at lot, as I found out later, as he'd already gone and met someone and sucked them off sometime around when he was texting me.) I was getting horny over the messages, then he texted me this:
"So do you bb or not?"
I told him that I didn't, which he was fine with. In the end, other things came up for me and I cancelled. Not heard a word from him since, and the guy I'd met him through got told to only contact him if he wanted sex. He seemed to be doing fine for himself anyway.
***
I barebacked once before. Coincidently in a threesome. It was with a married couple, I was topping. One of the guys had tried to top me, but I was too tight and he gave up.
I was lying on my back when the guy sat on my cock. I couldn't really see what was going on down there, since his husband had his dick in my mouth. But one minute the guy was sucking me off, and the next he'd slipped my cock into him.
I honestly can't tell you how the sensation of fucking someone without a condom felt, because once I realised what was going on my mind was racing. "What am I doing? Why am I letting this happen? I hardly know these people." It was some kind of twisted notion of trying to be polite that stopped me from asking him if I was wearing a condom or to stop and get off me.
The lack of needing to take off a condom after he came and got off me confirmed the fact for me, unless he slipped it off and disposed of it without me realising. When I looked back on it all, I might have guessed that would happen. While talking with the guy I ended up fucking, he talked about me coming inside him.
In short, I stayed the night, freaked out but almost stayed for another night (ended up having to go home instead). Was ill in the following weeks, freaked out some more. Couple of mean-spirited comments from my brother, who takes every ailment as a sign that I've got AIDS, didn't help much. Got tested later in the month, freaked out when I got a message from the clinic, had to get another test. But it turned out to be all clear in the end. The message was about possibly having chlamydia (which I didn't have either).
That panicked reaction (even if I managed to keep it hidden during the threesome) pretty much describes me at my worst. I catasrophise situations to the point where I'm nearly making myself sick. But unlike situations that don't call for such an excessive reaction, this one does have potentially severe consequences. And in this case, it wasn't something that was properly discussed beforehand. We hadn't said flat out that we wouldn't use condoms, nothing was said before it happened. Not having that mental preparation no doubt contributed to the panic.
I'm not sure how I'd file away that experience. Things didn't go to plan, but I don't regret it and it was the first time I got to spend the whole night with another man (and two, no less).
***
If I had to pick a favourite food, cheesecake would probably be up there. 99% of the time if I order dessert, that's what I'll order. And rum and coke to drink. But if I had it every day or even every other, eventually something I love would start doing me harm. The benefit of eating it every day (it tastes really good) is overshadowed by the cost (what it'd do to my health).
But obviously, cheesecake, rum and barebacking aren't the same. Eating cheesecake non-stop will probably leave you fat and diabetic, but having one slice every couple of weeks isn't going to suddenly mean you need a crane to lift you out of bed. A couple of drinks now and then won't put you on the liver transplant list. But you fuck the wrong guy just once, and you could end up with something you'll be carrying with you for the rest of your life. I don't want a lifetime of being sick or needing to take medication. I don't want to put a strain on the health service or tax payers to pay for meds for something that I did to myself (to phrase it rather bluntly). I can't afford to pay for the cost myself right now, and I wouldn't want the added expense even if I could.
It's not a lack of wanting, I guess. It is something that, even if I didn't actually do it, I'd want at least the option of doing it. Though it's not an overwhelming desire, it's something I can understand. Right now, I just don't feel the need to do it with every guy I sleep with. It's not the act itself, it's the guy you're doing it with. It demands either trust in the guy or a disregard of fear. And it's fear and mistrust that stops me in so much of life. Given the other stuff I say about myself on this blog, there's no point in hiding this weakness. Honesty, even if it is through anonymity, is what I was aiming for here. I can't shake the fear of the worst case scenario.
Looking at the cost-benefit of barebacking, it's not something I'm prepared for at this time in my life. The pleasure of having sex without a condom last for a day, but can have an outcome that lasts the rest of yours.
***
Admittedly, I'm no paragon of safe(st) sex. I only use a condom with anal sex. I've never used one for oral, nor any kind of protection when fingering or rimming (or being fingered/rimmed). I let guys come in my mouth without much thought, and I'll lick it up if they come on their stomach/etc. I'm not really interested in telling other people what they should do with themselves nor do I have the right to, as I am obviously no poster child for safe sex. I know the risks but do so anyway, because I enjoy doing those things. Which is the same with barebacking. But the risks, possibly due to the higher volume of attention it gets, feel a lot higher with barebacking than other sex acts (or at least the ones I take part in), which is what stops me. And except for swallowing/licking up cum, that is probably the most high risk as far as the major concern (HIV) goes.
***
I don't know if you can have a stance on an issue like this without it coming across as judgemental. What have I just said about people who do choose to bareback? Am I implying that people who do bareback disregard their health? This is a rather contentious issue, so maybe it's unavoidable if it does come across that way.
I try to have a balanced view on this. I want to stand at a middle ground, not at either extreme of vilifying it as the gravest sin or exalting it as the only true way to have sex. Not to reduce it all down to this one single act, but also not treat it as the sexual equivalent of taking a gun to your head. The majority of what I've read so far have been either virulently pro-barebacking or likewise contra.
I can't say the arguments in support (beyond perhaps that it feels better) have swayed me much. 'The way nature intended' is a phrase I've seen a couple of times. But nature doesn't really give a shit about what you want or what's good for you. Otherwise no one would have heard of an 'unwanted pregnancy'. There's be no diseases or infections. We'd all be living long and happy lives fucking as we please with no negative side-effects.
It's not natural to use a condom (or lube for anal sex, for that matter). But not much about the modern world is. We travel the land, sea, and air at great speeds in various metal boxes. You can do all your foraging in a conveniently located building filled with everything you need to survive and hundreds more things you don't. And if nature tries to drag you to the grave through illness or accident (maybe involving one of those unnatural metal boxes), you've got specially trained people willing to help you cheat death and keep on living past what nature intended. They're conveniences there to make life easier or safer and not necessarily a bad thing.
***
I mentioned my brother earlier. His attitude and general homophobia is, besides the obvious 'health concerns', a big reason for wanting to try to avoid running the risk of HIV. That would basically tell him that he was right, for having called me 'diseased faggot' and thinking I've ruined my life. A mix of pride and sibling rivalry leads me to want to prove him wrong, to be better and healthier than him. It seems like such a vile cliché, but it's one he holds on to. I don't want to be gay and have HIV, because I don't want to live up to that image. Thinking I have to hold up some kind of image to the world that I'm not the worst stereotype of a gay man.
But freedom from having to fear catching HIV is a motive for some. Worrying about getting HIV is stressful, and yet the only way to be definitely sure of avoiding it is to never have sex again (or do intravenous drugs, or ever require a possibly tainted blood transfusion, etc.). I understand the idea that it can be liberating not to care. If you go out there, either with the expectation or in some cases desire to get HIV, then you don't have anything to fear any more if you catch it. The 'worst that could happen' has already happened. You can live your life without that fear, one of the most highlighted for gay men, hanging over your head every time you have sex.
But this is the one argument I will never understand. It's kind of like being glad that you're no longer going to cut your finger because you've lost your hand. It's still a negative, you're still at a disadvantage. Is your sex life of more worth than any other aspect of your life? Is it worth potentially cutting other sides of your existence--family life, social life, love life, work life, etc.--short because you want to say that you had a satisfied sex life at the end of it?
***
'Fucking without fear' is another mantra that gets brought out rather often from what I've seen.
I do admire the carefreeness that I assume that would take. And I guess what I want to know is what it's like not to have that kind of fear. How people live without it. Though even if I were free of it, that doesn't guarantee that I'd do it. It would be nice having the option that I can select, not that I'm forced into because I'm afraid.
***
I'd written more, but I want to stop here since I've already tried to shorten this as it is. I guess, to try to come to a conclusion (at least for now), I don't mind having to use a condom since that isn't the only aspect of sex for me. There's all the other things that make up sex that still mean I can enjoy it without barebacking. If it was in the context of a more meaningful/long time relationship where I knew where we both stood on it, then I would consider it. But for any casual encounters or someone I've not known that long, I can live without it.
But I do want to trust people. I want to believe that when people say they're 'clean and disease free', they mean it. Not that they're telling you the lies they think will get you into bed. I want there to be people out there who I can believe in. I want those kind of people to exist out there. I want someone like that in my life. If I did it, it would be because the guy is special.
So I can understand wanting to do it. Not wanting to feel that this is something so bad, so awful and inherently harmful that you need to be guarded from it. But for someone who spent the last 10+ years seeing the world as a living Hell, that kind of carefree attitude is some ways off for me. And maybe that carefree attitude isn't right for me.
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