I have spoken to S.J. for about three months now, but only met him for the first time the other day. Met as in innocently, we had coffee/tea and a bit of a walk around town. But he seems to really like me, in a more serious way than just 'I want to fuck you'. Even though there is that too. And to be honest, I like him a lot too.
But that leaves me with the question of what to do about J.L. if this other thing is going to lead somewhere. I don't know if it will, but there is that possibility. With J.L., while he seems like a nice enough man, it's mostly sexual overtones. I've not met him yet, since he lives over an hour away by train. But compared with S.J. conversation does then to stick to sexual themes.
I clumsily brought up the topic of sleeping with more men with him, and he said that I was free to do that but he wouldn't hang around waiting for me.
I've missed chances with others before because I didn't take the initiative and grab the chance when it was there. And while I had no guarantee that anything would have happened there, you will never know if you don't act. So I would like to take that chance this time with S.L. and see what develops.
But that leaves me in the position of having to work out what to do with J.L. now. I suppose the easiest thing would be to say sorry but I'm seeing someone now, but that isn't feeling so easy. I could say that but I don't know if that's the case yet. And in the meantime, I don't know what to do. Ignoring him is rude, but saying "I'm thinking of seeing someone else" is awkward. Maybe needlessly so, he's not my boyfriend or anything. Not really anything right now. I suppose I could ask S.J. soon if he's like to go out properly and then just bend the truth slightly.
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
Mobile: support networking
I don't know where it was that I heard it now. It was the suggestion that having other friends who are gay and use sites to hook up online means that you can 'compare notes' on guys. Obviously this can include the normal gossip. But also other things, like if someone is trouble.
There is one guy on the gay scene here who is, or at least was, a social pariah. No one seems to like him and he is always getting into arguments and feuds with people.
I also found out later that he barebacks exclusively (at least that's how it was told to me). Which at that point in time, wouldn't have been a welcome discovery.
It made me sit and think about the first time I saw this man. It was the first time I had gone to a gay bar, which I wrote about here. I had been roped into a group of guys and shared in their evening, and then went home with two of them. One of those was having a falling out with this guy, who had been going around saying something that my new friend wasn't happy about. Later I heard that the pariah has a bit of a mouth on him and does this kind of thing often.
I looked over at him on that night and thought, is he really that bad? I don't want other people's quarrels to limit my relationships with people. You might not like him, but I haven't met him. Maybe I'll get along with him. Maybe I might sleep with him.
Looking at the situation now, it's good that I didn't speak to him. Not only for his apparent love of drama, but also that I wasn't in a good place at that time. I probably wouldn't have stuck up for myself if I ended up in bed with him and he suddenly starts barebacking me. And I never would have known this if it weren't for my friends.
Or at least, I'd like to call them my friends. But I can't, at least not in a way that feels honest to myself. I've not seen or heard from the couple I went home with that night in months. And the people I do see I don't consider that close. I don't even think of them as friends in the most superficial sense. Acquaintances is the highest I'll go. If I could just work out how to get over whatever it is that stops me from getting closer to people, even on a social level, then I could find a network of people who could help me out in times like this. Who I could talk to about these things and who could say "I've hooked up with him before and he ..."
I don't like gossip in general. But in some cases, it would beneficial. This is one of those. I just need to learn to make friends before all that, though.
There is one guy on the gay scene here who is, or at least was, a social pariah. No one seems to like him and he is always getting into arguments and feuds with people.
I also found out later that he barebacks exclusively (at least that's how it was told to me). Which at that point in time, wouldn't have been a welcome discovery.
It made me sit and think about the first time I saw this man. It was the first time I had gone to a gay bar, which I wrote about here. I had been roped into a group of guys and shared in their evening, and then went home with two of them. One of those was having a falling out with this guy, who had been going around saying something that my new friend wasn't happy about. Later I heard that the pariah has a bit of a mouth on him and does this kind of thing often.
I looked over at him on that night and thought, is he really that bad? I don't want other people's quarrels to limit my relationships with people. You might not like him, but I haven't met him. Maybe I'll get along with him. Maybe I might sleep with him.
Looking at the situation now, it's good that I didn't speak to him. Not only for his apparent love of drama, but also that I wasn't in a good place at that time. I probably wouldn't have stuck up for myself if I ended up in bed with him and he suddenly starts barebacking me. And I never would have known this if it weren't for my friends.
Or at least, I'd like to call them my friends. But I can't, at least not in a way that feels honest to myself. I've not seen or heard from the couple I went home with that night in months. And the people I do see I don't consider that close. I don't even think of them as friends in the most superficial sense. Acquaintances is the highest I'll go. If I could just work out how to get over whatever it is that stops me from getting closer to people, even on a social level, then I could find a network of people who could help me out in times like this. Who I could talk to about these things and who could say "I've hooked up with him before and he ..."
I don't like gossip in general. But in some cases, it would beneficial. This is one of those. I just need to learn to make friends before all that, though.
Friday, 15 February 2013
Mobile: moment of truth
Interaction with C.G. followed a now familiar pattern. A couple of bland and innocent enough messages soon ended up turning sexual. Not that I minded. This was in the space of about 3-4 days.
He asked if he was too old for me, at 35. I told him no. At this time, when the dialogue was still fairly chaste, I thought he might have meant too old to consider dating. I'm not one of those 20-somethings who consider a man over 30 unworthy of attention, for something more serious and especially not for just sex.
I thought he looked rather handsome from his pictures. I would definitely sleep with him if he was willing to let me. Even if that was all that happened.
So I was chatting with him tonight and he asked if I would cam with him. Never done it before, but I figured I'd give it a shot. To jump to the conclusion I wasn't too thrilled with the experience. I was using my phone which much have hindered things, and there was just something about it that made it feel all a bit strange for me. I don't think I'll be rushing to do it again soon, not that I get much opportunity for that sort of alone time at home right now anyway.
The main point of this post happened during the chat. Which was a hassle, wanking and typing on a phone at the same time as trying to keep the camera on my cock. He wanted to make me cum, sit in my cock, I asked to see his arse, and then I got this question.
"You like bb?"
Never fails to make my heart drop. Not really the most conductive state to be wanking in, that of disappointment. I am here trying to spunk and then I am faced with this dilemma I've been dealing with for the past couple of months. There were a couple of seconds where I considered stopping the call right there and just hiking up my pants, shutting off the lights and going to sleep.
But I didn't. So here was my moment to do things differently. To stand up for what I want, or what is right for me as I've decided myself.
"I don't do it"
I think I did pretty well for my first attempt at being direct. It's not preachy or judgmental. It's not too vague or wishy-washy. Clear and to the point.
My reward from him was that instead of cumming in his arse as he said before, I could now do it on it. (When he said in his arse I started to wonder, but seconds later I got the barebacking question which killed the mystery.) But whatever, I just have to keep it up.
But now I'm not really sure how to feel about this guy. He'd asked me before if I played safe, which was a big relief not to be asked the other question. His profile had the safer sex section down as 'always', I'm sure it did. So how am I supposed to process those facts now? Was this question just some heat of the moment comment said when he was too horny to censor it? Was it just a case of talking about it to help get himself off? (It probably added a couple of minutes to my time, about 25 minutes.) Or was he serious and all that safe play business was just something he does at the beginning?
I don't really care if people want to not use condoms with whoever they want. As long as that person isn't me. I don't know why, if it is the case that he was after bareback sex the whole time, people don't just indicate that and not use 'always' when they don't mean it. Of all the things to lie about when hooking up online—your age, marital status, name, etc.—why lie about this?
It's partly my fault I got in this mess, I was the one who messages him back. I was messaging a bunch of people in an effort to be more active about my relationships with people, and he was one of them. In my defence, I had been lured in with a nice face and the promise of rubbers.
He asked if he was too old for me, at 35. I told him no. At this time, when the dialogue was still fairly chaste, I thought he might have meant too old to consider dating. I'm not one of those 20-somethings who consider a man over 30 unworthy of attention, for something more serious and especially not for just sex.
I thought he looked rather handsome from his pictures. I would definitely sleep with him if he was willing to let me. Even if that was all that happened.
So I was chatting with him tonight and he asked if I would cam with him. Never done it before, but I figured I'd give it a shot. To jump to the conclusion I wasn't too thrilled with the experience. I was using my phone which much have hindered things, and there was just something about it that made it feel all a bit strange for me. I don't think I'll be rushing to do it again soon, not that I get much opportunity for that sort of alone time at home right now anyway.
The main point of this post happened during the chat. Which was a hassle, wanking and typing on a phone at the same time as trying to keep the camera on my cock. He wanted to make me cum, sit in my cock, I asked to see his arse, and then I got this question.
"You like bb?"
Never fails to make my heart drop. Not really the most conductive state to be wanking in, that of disappointment. I am here trying to spunk and then I am faced with this dilemma I've been dealing with for the past couple of months. There were a couple of seconds where I considered stopping the call right there and just hiking up my pants, shutting off the lights and going to sleep.
But I didn't. So here was my moment to do things differently. To stand up for what I want, or what is right for me as I've decided myself.
"I don't do it"
I think I did pretty well for my first attempt at being direct. It's not preachy or judgmental. It's not too vague or wishy-washy. Clear and to the point.
My reward from him was that instead of cumming in his arse as he said before, I could now do it on it. (When he said in his arse I started to wonder, but seconds later I got the barebacking question which killed the mystery.) But whatever, I just have to keep it up.
But now I'm not really sure how to feel about this guy. He'd asked me before if I played safe, which was a big relief not to be asked the other question. His profile had the safer sex section down as 'always', I'm sure it did. So how am I supposed to process those facts now? Was this question just some heat of the moment comment said when he was too horny to censor it? Was it just a case of talking about it to help get himself off? (It probably added a couple of minutes to my time, about 25 minutes.) Or was he serious and all that safe play business was just something he does at the beginning?
I don't really care if people want to not use condoms with whoever they want. As long as that person isn't me. I don't know why, if it is the case that he was after bareback sex the whole time, people don't just indicate that and not use 'always' when they don't mean it. Of all the things to lie about when hooking up online—your age, marital status, name, etc.—why lie about this?
It's partly my fault I got in this mess, I was the one who messages him back. I was messaging a bunch of people in an effort to be more active about my relationships with people, and he was one of them. In my defence, I had been lured in with a nice face and the promise of rubbers.
Thursday, 14 February 2013
Mobile: owning a 'boi'
I mentioned J.L. briefly before. He's the guy who likes kidnapping roleplay. Thinking back on the first messages we sent, it was pretty innocuous. I just thought he was joking around when he mentioned ransoms and someone taking him away.
But it's not a joke. He's pretty serious about it. Would love to have a whole scene play out where he's bound up and gagged.
Tonight he mentioned seeing some rugby lad out and mentioned that he was wearing a vest (and bondage mask, some kind of university night out by the sounds of it). I said I might have a bit of a thing for vests. I meant on other guys, but he suggested incorporating one into this roleplay. I said I'd need to work on my muscles (Rugby Lad was apparently quite fit and I really am not at the moment). And that was when he said it.
"I want you to own me. I want you to own me and be your boi."
'Boi' threw me a bit, jokingly asked if that was possible with him being older than me. But it's psychological, he said. I always associated it with young submissive twinks and thus lost interest whenever the term arose. I'm not really a big fan of the term either way, but I'm also not one of roleplay but I'll at least give it a go. If I'm not that affected by it and he's happy with it, there's no harm, is there?
The definition of what it means to be 'owned' matched what I thought. Bound and gagged (his big thing), fucked, made to blow me regularly, used for my sexual pleasure and the roleplay. Also to act a bit 'dom' with him in public. Make it clear that I'm the alpha male, and he's my bitch. How that's done is still a bit of a mystery to me.
I never really put much stock into words like 'alpha' before, never considered them... well, worth considering. I only really have a cartoonish image of a stereotypical 'alpha male' in my mind, but that might be more to do with how I relate to the word more than the concept itself.
I'd wanted to try out bondage and see what it's like since talking with J.C. ages ago, although that was on the other end. And lately I've felt more like a 'top'. Instead of imagining having sex with a guy and being the passive one, I think about fucking them instead. So the idea of fucking him and having him suck my cock is appealing. I did sort of spun the idea in my head to involving scenarios like getting another bloke over and both of us fucking him from the 'used for [my] sexual pleasure' part. Maybe that's going too far/thinking too much with my dick.
It's just the 'dom' aspect left now. In a way this plays into the previous post I made. When I said that completely changing yourself is easy in theory. Changing from a docile and meek character to an 'alpha male' is a big change. And to be honest, not one I have any particular reservations about trying on. Playing that role, so to speak. 'Fake it until you make it' is used a fair bit in reference to confidence and self-esteem training. The idea that you can obtain traits by acting as if you have them already in the meantime. Maybe trying to act all alpha and dominant will eventually lead to it coming more naturally. Which can't hurt anything.
But first he wants a Valentine's card. I have never had to get one for anyone before. And I will be late with it now. But is it alpha to tell him to not whine and accept it whenever it gets there? Or is that just rudeness? I am mixing the two up.
But it's not a joke. He's pretty serious about it. Would love to have a whole scene play out where he's bound up and gagged.
Tonight he mentioned seeing some rugby lad out and mentioned that he was wearing a vest (and bondage mask, some kind of university night out by the sounds of it). I said I might have a bit of a thing for vests. I meant on other guys, but he suggested incorporating one into this roleplay. I said I'd need to work on my muscles (Rugby Lad was apparently quite fit and I really am not at the moment). And that was when he said it.
"I want you to own me. I want you to own me and be your boi."
'Boi' threw me a bit, jokingly asked if that was possible with him being older than me. But it's psychological, he said. I always associated it with young submissive twinks and thus lost interest whenever the term arose. I'm not really a big fan of the term either way, but I'm also not one of roleplay but I'll at least give it a go. If I'm not that affected by it and he's happy with it, there's no harm, is there?
The definition of what it means to be 'owned' matched what I thought. Bound and gagged (his big thing), fucked, made to blow me regularly, used for my sexual pleasure and the roleplay. Also to act a bit 'dom' with him in public. Make it clear that I'm the alpha male, and he's my bitch. How that's done is still a bit of a mystery to me.
I never really put much stock into words like 'alpha' before, never considered them... well, worth considering. I only really have a cartoonish image of a stereotypical 'alpha male' in my mind, but that might be more to do with how I relate to the word more than the concept itself.
I'd wanted to try out bondage and see what it's like since talking with J.C. ages ago, although that was on the other end. And lately I've felt more like a 'top'. Instead of imagining having sex with a guy and being the passive one, I think about fucking them instead. So the idea of fucking him and having him suck my cock is appealing. I did sort of spun the idea in my head to involving scenarios like getting another bloke over and both of us fucking him from the 'used for [my] sexual pleasure' part. Maybe that's going too far/thinking too much with my dick.
It's just the 'dom' aspect left now. In a way this plays into the previous post I made. When I said that completely changing yourself is easy in theory. Changing from a docile and meek character to an 'alpha male' is a big change. And to be honest, not one I have any particular reservations about trying on. Playing that role, so to speak. 'Fake it until you make it' is used a fair bit in reference to confidence and self-esteem training. The idea that you can obtain traits by acting as if you have them already in the meantime. Maybe trying to act all alpha and dominant will eventually lead to it coming more naturally. Which can't hurt anything.
But first he wants a Valentine's card. I have never had to get one for anyone before. And I will be late with it now. But is it alpha to tell him to not whine and accept it whenever it gets there? Or is that just rudeness? I am mixing the two up.
I'd been messaging G.M. for a couple of weeks before arranging anything. I couldn't make the time up until lately. Arranged to meet up on a Saturday morning. Over the course of our sporadic messages, another guy came into the picture. What had been the two of us was now a threesome. G.M. talked about how he bets this guy he'd hooked up with before could take two cocks at once. It's been a while since I really slept with anyone, and I was letting my cock do the thinking more than anything.
I was anxious as I made my way towards the hotel early on a Saturday morning. Perhaps a degree more nervous than I have normally been in the past. I think a lot of events both recent and from the past year have taken a toll on me and changed me but not necessarily all for the better. I hadn't had much contact with G.M. before hand, and wasn't sure if I had seen a face picture of him or not. Someone had sent one, but I couldn't remember if it was him or another guy. Turns out it was another guy.
He asked at one point if I was disappointed with what I saw. I wasn't really. He was about my height, older than me but I can't remember his exact age (late 30's to 40's), average body with a bit of grey in his hair and blue eyes. His eyes were nice. I was pretty happy with what I'd got.
The first ten minutes or so were spend sitting across the room from each other drinking coffee. That first part is always a bit of a mystery to do. We're here for a specific purpose, a shared reason. But is it appropriate to just waltz right up to this guy you've met in person about a minute ago and start touching him? How long do you wait? In the past, it's not usually been that much of a wait. Coat and shoes off, and that was it. This was a rather nice change.
But after a bit of a chat and finishing off the coffee we sat on the bed and started making out. The other guy wasn't going to be there for another 20-odd minutes, and he wanted to spend the time kissing. I wasn't about to complain, although after the fact I might have had a few. My mouth was tired after a while, and he had stubble just coming in which ended up cutting my lip a bit afterwards. He took a bit of a break to check up with the guy who was meant to be there soon.
He was lying on his back sending a message to the other guy, while I was sitting straddled on his crotch, rubbing my hand on his chest. I enjoyed this part the most, if I'm honest. I can't really put my figure on exactly what about it I like so much. Perhaps it was just that it was a bit of physical affection that was a slight bit more mundane and quiet than sex. Sex is great and all, but occasionally the little things are nice.
I started licking and gently biting at his nipples once he'd finished his message. I got a fair bit of praise for that and the kissing. Moved along to his armpits for a bit. Pits might be something I'd like to explore more in the future. I've always had a bit of thing for them. After this he was on top of me, sitting over my chest with his cock in my face. I sucked him off a bit while waiting for the other guy. It wasn't too long before that moment arrived. G.M. kept saying he'd be happy to just carry on alone, but he did go and fetch the third guy.
He was more the 'straight to business' type. No talk and coffee, he was getting undressed the moment the door was closed. G.M. followed suit and I tried to keep up. I did feel a lot more comfortable than I have in the past with getting undressed. I don't know what had changed. I'm not in any better shape, probably in worse shape than I have been. I don't think I've gone through any positive mental shifts. But I was more at ease.
Other Guy was soon on his knees sucking G.M.'s cock, then my cock, and then both at once. That's something that sounds like it'd be hot, but I could feel his teeth a bit too much. Don't know if that's down the mechanics of having two cocks in your mouth or if it was just a flaw in his technique. But when he was just blowing me, it was good. I haven't enjoyed oral that much in the past but I think I'm growing more fond of it. Maybe feeling more comfortable helped out. G.M. was kissing me while I was getting the blow job, and his hand was rubbing my arse. After a while G.M. switched places with Other Guy and I made out with him for a bit.
Then he said he'd like to see G.M. fuck me. I hadn't come here expecting to fuck, hadn't really got myself ready for it or anything. But I agreed, I did kind of want it anyway. I got face down on the bed, G.M. got a condom and some lube, and pushed into me. But it just hurt, so I said that wasn't going to happen today. As I went to the bathroom to get the lube off me I could hear G.M. say "I told you he was a top!" I hadn't said that, but that was going to be the arrangement for the day.
By the time I came out the bathroom Other Guy was sitting on G.M.'s dick. I moved over to the side of them and kissed G.M., before standing on the bed so Other Guy could suck my cock while he was getting fucked. I also blew him while G.M. was ramming into him. There was a point when I wasn't that bothered about the prospect of threesomes any longer, but after this--coincidentally my third group experience--I am more up for it again. If I can work on myself and feel more at ease, I think I would really enjoy the experience. I kind of wish this whole session had lasted longer.
Other Guy jerked himself off and blew his load onto G.M.'s stomach, and G.M. came as he fucked. I didn't come that morning. Other Guy blew me for a bit, and G.M. wanked me off, but it wasn't happening. Other Guy soon got himself ready to leave, and was out of the door. Strictly business. When he'd gone G.M. mentioned that he didn't like it when guys just leave, but it was getting close to check-out time. I quite like hotel room sex. Being in a hotel. But on the morning of check-out, not so much. I like to have a bit of time afterwards to bask a little.
G.M. asked me what I thought of the Other Guy. "Don't worry, I don't really know him, you can be honest." I mentioned that I could taste cigarette smoke on him, which is a turn off for me. G.M. said he said on his profile that he didn't smoke, but obviously he did. And he had some body odour, like he hadn't washed beforehand. G.M. apologised for the failed attempt to fuck me, said Other Guy was being cheeky and trying it on. He'd already been told I was a top but still pushed his luck. Next time, G.M. said, it'd just be the two of us. Some time at the beginning of March. I'm looking forward to it.
Think I will be change my online profile from versatile to active/versatile, though. I've felt more like being a top lately, and bottoming again will need a bit of prep and work.
I was anxious as I made my way towards the hotel early on a Saturday morning. Perhaps a degree more nervous than I have normally been in the past. I think a lot of events both recent and from the past year have taken a toll on me and changed me but not necessarily all for the better. I hadn't had much contact with G.M. before hand, and wasn't sure if I had seen a face picture of him or not. Someone had sent one, but I couldn't remember if it was him or another guy. Turns out it was another guy.
He asked at one point if I was disappointed with what I saw. I wasn't really. He was about my height, older than me but I can't remember his exact age (late 30's to 40's), average body with a bit of grey in his hair and blue eyes. His eyes were nice. I was pretty happy with what I'd got.
The first ten minutes or so were spend sitting across the room from each other drinking coffee. That first part is always a bit of a mystery to do. We're here for a specific purpose, a shared reason. But is it appropriate to just waltz right up to this guy you've met in person about a minute ago and start touching him? How long do you wait? In the past, it's not usually been that much of a wait. Coat and shoes off, and that was it. This was a rather nice change.
But after a bit of a chat and finishing off the coffee we sat on the bed and started making out. The other guy wasn't going to be there for another 20-odd minutes, and he wanted to spend the time kissing. I wasn't about to complain, although after the fact I might have had a few. My mouth was tired after a while, and he had stubble just coming in which ended up cutting my lip a bit afterwards. He took a bit of a break to check up with the guy who was meant to be there soon.
He was lying on his back sending a message to the other guy, while I was sitting straddled on his crotch, rubbing my hand on his chest. I enjoyed this part the most, if I'm honest. I can't really put my figure on exactly what about it I like so much. Perhaps it was just that it was a bit of physical affection that was a slight bit more mundane and quiet than sex. Sex is great and all, but occasionally the little things are nice.
I started licking and gently biting at his nipples once he'd finished his message. I got a fair bit of praise for that and the kissing. Moved along to his armpits for a bit. Pits might be something I'd like to explore more in the future. I've always had a bit of thing for them. After this he was on top of me, sitting over my chest with his cock in my face. I sucked him off a bit while waiting for the other guy. It wasn't too long before that moment arrived. G.M. kept saying he'd be happy to just carry on alone, but he did go and fetch the third guy.
He was more the 'straight to business' type. No talk and coffee, he was getting undressed the moment the door was closed. G.M. followed suit and I tried to keep up. I did feel a lot more comfortable than I have in the past with getting undressed. I don't know what had changed. I'm not in any better shape, probably in worse shape than I have been. I don't think I've gone through any positive mental shifts. But I was more at ease.
Other Guy was soon on his knees sucking G.M.'s cock, then my cock, and then both at once. That's something that sounds like it'd be hot, but I could feel his teeth a bit too much. Don't know if that's down the mechanics of having two cocks in your mouth or if it was just a flaw in his technique. But when he was just blowing me, it was good. I haven't enjoyed oral that much in the past but I think I'm growing more fond of it. Maybe feeling more comfortable helped out. G.M. was kissing me while I was getting the blow job, and his hand was rubbing my arse. After a while G.M. switched places with Other Guy and I made out with him for a bit.
Then he said he'd like to see G.M. fuck me. I hadn't come here expecting to fuck, hadn't really got myself ready for it or anything. But I agreed, I did kind of want it anyway. I got face down on the bed, G.M. got a condom and some lube, and pushed into me. But it just hurt, so I said that wasn't going to happen today. As I went to the bathroom to get the lube off me I could hear G.M. say "I told you he was a top!" I hadn't said that, but that was going to be the arrangement for the day.
By the time I came out the bathroom Other Guy was sitting on G.M.'s dick. I moved over to the side of them and kissed G.M., before standing on the bed so Other Guy could suck my cock while he was getting fucked. I also blew him while G.M. was ramming into him. There was a point when I wasn't that bothered about the prospect of threesomes any longer, but after this--coincidentally my third group experience--I am more up for it again. If I can work on myself and feel more at ease, I think I would really enjoy the experience. I kind of wish this whole session had lasted longer.
Other Guy jerked himself off and blew his load onto G.M.'s stomach, and G.M. came as he fucked. I didn't come that morning. Other Guy blew me for a bit, and G.M. wanked me off, but it wasn't happening. Other Guy soon got himself ready to leave, and was out of the door. Strictly business. When he'd gone G.M. mentioned that he didn't like it when guys just leave, but it was getting close to check-out time. I quite like hotel room sex. Being in a hotel. But on the morning of check-out, not so much. I like to have a bit of time afterwards to bask a little.
G.M. asked me what I thought of the Other Guy. "Don't worry, I don't really know him, you can be honest." I mentioned that I could taste cigarette smoke on him, which is a turn off for me. G.M. said he said on his profile that he didn't smoke, but obviously he did. And he had some body odour, like he hadn't washed beforehand. G.M. apologised for the failed attempt to fuck me, said Other Guy was being cheeky and trying it on. He'd already been told I was a top but still pushed his luck. Next time, G.M. said, it'd just be the two of us. Some time at the beginning of March. I'm looking forward to it.
Think I will be change my online profile from versatile to active/versatile, though. I've felt more like being a top lately, and bottoming again will need a bit of prep and work.
Sunday, 10 February 2013
Running Up That Hill
There's going to be a trial study here in the UK (I think it actually started last year) for the PrEP treatment, where you take anti-retroviral medication (Truvada) to reduce the chances of HIV transmission. Not that I will be taking part. I didn't like Truvada when I had to take it as part of PEP, though maybe that was due to the other meds as well. And I don't meet the criteria of having had unprotected anal sex in the last three months, and were likely to do the same again in the future. I'm not about to run out and fuck someone just so I can take part in a medical study.
I thought back on P.G. saying we didn't need to use condoms if we fucked, and there was a part of me that in retrospect just thought "yeah, why not?" I know why not. It's not like these are just reasons I'm told I should have, merely messages received from others. It's things I believe myself. Things that I want for myself.
That idea of "why not?" might be more down to apathy and weariness. That after it seeming like this is what everyone else is doing, there's no point fighting it. That my choices are either celibacy or putting myself at that risk when sleeping around.
Which is stupid. I know logically that's not the only way. There's still plenty of people who are sleeping around and not barebacking. It's a case of standing up for my right to have sex how I want it. But as I've written in the past, I don't always hold my ground.
I wish I had it in me to just stop things then and there the second any bloke mentions fucking raw. Maybe I'm not in the right state mentally at the moment to be negotiating these things. These past couple of weeks have been a bit shit for me.
But stepping back and thinking more reasonably about that, why don't I have it in me? What stops me?
It's something I've spent a fair bit of today thinking about, though mostly relating to other things. The best answer I can reach so far is that it's because that is how I've lived my life up until now. Really, there's nothing that's technically stopping me from changing completely, except that I wouldn't have the model of experience to base my behaviour on that I do if I were to keep doing what I've always done. Which makes this inability all the worse. How hard is it to say 'sorry, not interested'? And online, with all the means to block someone if they don't take it well?
In other situations (say taking the effort to message someone and not getting a response) there's an element of rejection and disappointment that can be off-putting. But in the case of a guy who's trying to take things in a direction I don't want to go in, I'm already disappointed. It's not like there is any more negative outcomes from saying no, as opposed to going along with something contrary to what I want to be doing.
It's obviously a lot easier to say these things than it is to actually do it and change yourself completely. But as a start, that is what I will try to do. Next time someone starts suggesting something I don't want, to just say straight out that I'm not interested. No trying to soften it with 'I'm not sure about that' or 'I'm not keen on this' but to just say clear and simple that I don't want it.
Online things have slowed down lately, I'm not really getting much from anything. Not sure when I will get the chance to put this into practice next, but I am going to keep it in mind until the opportunity arises.
I thought back on P.G. saying we didn't need to use condoms if we fucked, and there was a part of me that in retrospect just thought "yeah, why not?" I know why not. It's not like these are just reasons I'm told I should have, merely messages received from others. It's things I believe myself. Things that I want for myself.
That idea of "why not?" might be more down to apathy and weariness. That after it seeming like this is what everyone else is doing, there's no point fighting it. That my choices are either celibacy or putting myself at that risk when sleeping around.
Which is stupid. I know logically that's not the only way. There's still plenty of people who are sleeping around and not barebacking. It's a case of standing up for my right to have sex how I want it. But as I've written in the past, I don't always hold my ground.
I wish I had it in me to just stop things then and there the second any bloke mentions fucking raw. Maybe I'm not in the right state mentally at the moment to be negotiating these things. These past couple of weeks have been a bit shit for me.
But stepping back and thinking more reasonably about that, why don't I have it in me? What stops me?
It's something I've spent a fair bit of today thinking about, though mostly relating to other things. The best answer I can reach so far is that it's because that is how I've lived my life up until now. Really, there's nothing that's technically stopping me from changing completely, except that I wouldn't have the model of experience to base my behaviour on that I do if I were to keep doing what I've always done. Which makes this inability all the worse. How hard is it to say 'sorry, not interested'? And online, with all the means to block someone if they don't take it well?
In other situations (say taking the effort to message someone and not getting a response) there's an element of rejection and disappointment that can be off-putting. But in the case of a guy who's trying to take things in a direction I don't want to go in, I'm already disappointed. It's not like there is any more negative outcomes from saying no, as opposed to going along with something contrary to what I want to be doing.
It's obviously a lot easier to say these things than it is to actually do it and change yourself completely. But as a start, that is what I will try to do. Next time someone starts suggesting something I don't want, to just say straight out that I'm not interested. No trying to soften it with 'I'm not sure about that' or 'I'm not keen on this' but to just say clear and simple that I don't want it.
Online things have slowed down lately, I'm not really getting much from anything. Not sure when I will get the chance to put this into practice next, but I am going to keep it in mind until the opportunity arises.
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