Abstaining from wanking lasted about 20 days, as of last night. Which is still the longest I've ever gone without that I can remember.
Still, it was without watching porn which was the main point behind this. Not masturbating was mainly an effort to 'retrain' myself. I had been close to looking at stuff online earlier on, but managed to resist it. I found I didn't really think of anything. It was focused on the physical sensations of it.
To be honest, I have just felt sexually frustrated for ages now and that probably was the biggest reason for doing it. It was a relief, but it didn't actually feel great. At least, not as good as I expected doing it after a period of abstaining would feel. I would have rather done something with another guy, but I haven't exactly felt much like that lately.
I'll probably try again and see if I can last the same amount of time or longer, unless something changes. I am kind of hoping for some change, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up much.
***
But either way, the 'no porn' thing was the main thing I was trying to accomplish. I'm happy with myself for sticking with it.
One thing I don't really miss is the whole 'gay-for-pay' thing. As a genre of porn, I don't really get the attraction of straight guys. To clear this up a little because I find hard to explain succinctly, I don't mean attractive guys who happen to be straight. Because God knows I've been there enough times to understand that. But when these guys being straight is the main lure. I get the whole 'tempting a hot straight guy into doing something gay' fantasy, or maybe wanting what you can't have, but when it's all fake I just don't feel it.
And guys who identify as straight doing it for the money. I'm sure not every woman who has had lesbian sex in porn is off playing around with woman in their personal lives. But I don't know, the idea that it's all about the money is something I find off-putting. I'd rather be watching someone who would do the same stuff for fun, than someone you had to tempt with money to get in front of a camera and doing this stuff.
Then there's the ones where guys need to be watching straight porn to do anything with another guy. The sound of porn playing in the background within the porn I'm trying to watch is distracting enough, at least when there's the affected moans of female porn stars (possibly overlapped by affected male moans in the main feature to boot). When that porn-within-a-porn involves some woman screaming and moaning, it really takes me out of the moment. If I was watching a video of men having sex with each other, listening to a woman's sex noises isn't what I was looking for. At least try to edit out the sound from the TV, or try not to include the television in shots. Or find someone who actually likes cock in the first place. That helps.
Although I never saw it myself, I read about some scene involving Patrick Bateman (think that's his name), where he was fucking someone while resting a straight porn magazine on the guy's back. I know everyone has their own things they find sexy, but to me that has just crossed over the line into "time to turn this off now" territory. Even if it was just part of the story of this scene that he was straight or something (don't know his actual orientation, not bothered enough to look it up), it feels really tacky to me.
But as a wider overall genre, I don't understand the appeal of 'I'm 100% straight and will always be'. I can find any random guy I don't know hot, whatever sexual orientation he has. But it becomes a lot hotter if I find out he's gay/bi. That they would enjoy the act of having sex with men is a massive boon to the whole experience.
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Sunday, 11 November 2012
I decided before, when I had finished with the course of PEP, that I needed to be my own defender. I was the one who had to stand up and look out for what I want, keep my boundaries and limits, to not let myself be compromised and pressured into things or to just let events occur without trying to steer them in the direction I truly want.
The problem has been that my way of doing this so far has greatly resembled how I dealt with people during a lot of my teenager years and early twenties: putting up a lot of walls and simply not letting anyone in.
I'm not as bad as I was back then. I go out fairly regularly with a group of guys, I've got other things going on in my life and am moving towards a more defined and concrete goal compared to the aimlessness that marked my adolescence and early adulthood. But I hazard to call any of these guys my friends yet, despite knowing them for a several months now and getting along with them, because I tend to revert back to staying silent and keeping to the background a bit. I'd like them to be my friends, but it's hard reaching that point.
The last time I had anything resembling a date with a guy was when T.S. and I briefly got back together for all of a week. The last time I had sex and enjoy it doesn't spring to mind too freely, I think it was P (P&D) but that wasn't really an emotional thing. But then, not many of my sexual experiences have been. I mostly haven't had sex with anyone I've been emotionally attracted to.
I suppose sex is a big stumbling block for me, lately especially. End of the day I don't care if other people bareback, it's not affecting my life. But it ends up feeling that sometimes the rest of the world wants something different to me. While I know it's not true, it's just seems hard to find. I kind of dread when topics turn to sex because I don't really want to deal with getting asked if I bareback.
Logically, I know it's just a matter of meeting more people. Eventually you'll find people you find in with and who match you. I guess I've just been getting a bit pessimistic about things lately.
On a more optimistic note, I have managed 5 days of this abstinence thing. This is where I usually caved in, but I'm feeling good about my chances for this night. Hopefully sticking to something, even an arbitrary goal, will help motivate me when attempting something more meaningful.
The problem has been that my way of doing this so far has greatly resembled how I dealt with people during a lot of my teenager years and early twenties: putting up a lot of walls and simply not letting anyone in.
I'm not as bad as I was back then. I go out fairly regularly with a group of guys, I've got other things going on in my life and am moving towards a more defined and concrete goal compared to the aimlessness that marked my adolescence and early adulthood. But I hazard to call any of these guys my friends yet, despite knowing them for a several months now and getting along with them, because I tend to revert back to staying silent and keeping to the background a bit. I'd like them to be my friends, but it's hard reaching that point.
The last time I had anything resembling a date with a guy was when T.S. and I briefly got back together for all of a week. The last time I had sex and enjoy it doesn't spring to mind too freely, I think it was P (P&D) but that wasn't really an emotional thing. But then, not many of my sexual experiences have been. I mostly haven't had sex with anyone I've been emotionally attracted to.
I suppose sex is a big stumbling block for me, lately especially. End of the day I don't care if other people bareback, it's not affecting my life. But it ends up feeling that sometimes the rest of the world wants something different to me. While I know it's not true, it's just seems hard to find. I kind of dread when topics turn to sex because I don't really want to deal with getting asked if I bareback.
Logically, I know it's just a matter of meeting more people. Eventually you'll find people you find in with and who match you. I guess I've just been getting a bit pessimistic about things lately.
On a more optimistic note, I have managed 5 days of this abstinence thing. This is where I usually caved in, but I'm feeling good about my chances for this night. Hopefully sticking to something, even an arbitrary goal, will help motivate me when attempting something more meaningful.
Friday, 9 November 2012
Grindr
About two weeks ago I installed Grindr on my phone.
I was out at the time at a clubbing event, and saw a couple of guys using it. I had used it once before. Then promptly get rid of it. I was at home at the time, and it's not just my house, so I don't bring anyone here. I am kind of wary about these kind of GPS-based apps for that reason. I'm limited to going to either the guy's house or a hotel or one time a car on a country lane (or outside, which I've never done but it is too cold now to be trying that any time soon). The impression I get from people is that Grindr is basically for finding someone to fuck, with anything else a nice bonus.
I was drunk when I installed it. I wasn't really looking to meet anyone, I just wanted to see who was on it and what it was like. I didn't have any details filled out beyond the picture (drunkenly taken of the top of my head). Did manage to see profiles for two friends, which is always a bit of a strange experience. Though one of them I had seen on another site before meeting him, though I didn't realise this until looking through his pictures on Facebook and seeing the one he had used on his profile.
To be honest, I'm not really sure what I want from it. I filled out a couple of the profile fields today on the bus, but after looking at the section for what you're seeking I just saved and quit. I suppose it's because I am a bit of a mess lately (or all the time) lately, for one thing. There's stuff I'd like but don't necessarily know if I'm really up for. And another, I don't know what meanings the culture around Grindr puts into these terms. Like if you said 'dates', I'd expect to get a drink or coffee or something. I'd expect an actual date. Or chat, I don't really know what that's signifying. Friendly chat, or sex chat? Can't remember what the other options were (friends was one, I think?), since those two are the ones that stumped me.
Maybe over the next week or so I'll slowly fill in a bit more and actually try to use it, or delete my profile and try again when I'm feeling more sorted. I did get one message from someone, the morning after the night I installed it. I didn't reply, though. I don't know why I didn't. I probably have come across as proper jerk. Kind of regret that now.
***
I did see J.C. on there while sitting on the bus, though. I had tried looking for J.C.'s profile on the site we'd met on, but it seemed like he'd deleted it. He was supposed to be moving in January for a new job. But he was within half a mile (about 600-700 metres). I never got around to writing about what happened with us. We had something of a falling out, and things were never quite as good as they were before. After a bit he stopped contacting me or replying.
I quite liked J.C., even just from messaging him. And even though things didn't go as well as I'd have liked, the experience did lead to some good out of the bad times. I finally came out directly to one of my parents, after our plans to meet for the first time fell apart. It was probably the first time I ever really flirted with a guy in an overtly sexual way. I've started doing more of what I want and not putting other people first all the time since then.
Right now I don't think I will do anything about this. I kind of want to see him, but given how things went before I'm hesitant. All the problems came from my end. Not necessarily directly from me, but I still didn't stop them.
But this might be me clinging to the past and things I had, rather than moving on and forward.
I am probably going to be thinking about him while I'm trying to sleep tonight, though. (But no wanking; on day 3 of my four attempt at abstaining. My goal is to beat my previous best of 5 days.)
I was out at the time at a clubbing event, and saw a couple of guys using it. I had used it once before. Then promptly get rid of it. I was at home at the time, and it's not just my house, so I don't bring anyone here. I am kind of wary about these kind of GPS-based apps for that reason. I'm limited to going to either the guy's house or a hotel or one time a car on a country lane (or outside, which I've never done but it is too cold now to be trying that any time soon). The impression I get from people is that Grindr is basically for finding someone to fuck, with anything else a nice bonus.
I was drunk when I installed it. I wasn't really looking to meet anyone, I just wanted to see who was on it and what it was like. I didn't have any details filled out beyond the picture (drunkenly taken of the top of my head). Did manage to see profiles for two friends, which is always a bit of a strange experience. Though one of them I had seen on another site before meeting him, though I didn't realise this until looking through his pictures on Facebook and seeing the one he had used on his profile.
To be honest, I'm not really sure what I want from it. I filled out a couple of the profile fields today on the bus, but after looking at the section for what you're seeking I just saved and quit. I suppose it's because I am a bit of a mess lately (or all the time) lately, for one thing. There's stuff I'd like but don't necessarily know if I'm really up for. And another, I don't know what meanings the culture around Grindr puts into these terms. Like if you said 'dates', I'd expect to get a drink or coffee or something. I'd expect an actual date. Or chat, I don't really know what that's signifying. Friendly chat, or sex chat? Can't remember what the other options were (friends was one, I think?), since those two are the ones that stumped me.
Maybe over the next week or so I'll slowly fill in a bit more and actually try to use it, or delete my profile and try again when I'm feeling more sorted. I did get one message from someone, the morning after the night I installed it. I didn't reply, though. I don't know why I didn't. I probably have come across as proper jerk. Kind of regret that now.
***
I did see J.C. on there while sitting on the bus, though. I had tried looking for J.C.'s profile on the site we'd met on, but it seemed like he'd deleted it. He was supposed to be moving in January for a new job. But he was within half a mile (about 600-700 metres). I never got around to writing about what happened with us. We had something of a falling out, and things were never quite as good as they were before. After a bit he stopped contacting me or replying.
I quite liked J.C., even just from messaging him. And even though things didn't go as well as I'd have liked, the experience did lead to some good out of the bad times. I finally came out directly to one of my parents, after our plans to meet for the first time fell apart. It was probably the first time I ever really flirted with a guy in an overtly sexual way. I've started doing more of what I want and not putting other people first all the time since then.
Right now I don't think I will do anything about this. I kind of want to see him, but given how things went before I'm hesitant. All the problems came from my end. Not necessarily directly from me, but I still didn't stop them.
But this might be me clinging to the past and things I had, rather than moving on and forward.
I am probably going to be thinking about him while I'm trying to sleep tonight, though. (But no wanking; on day 3 of my four attempt at abstaining. My goal is to beat my previous best of 5 days.)
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
40 Days/Nights
I was one of those people who kept porn on their computer. I started watching it before streaming sites became big, and downloading it was just a habit. I mainly downloaded gay stuff, and watched straight things online.
But I decided to just get rid of it all. Not just delete what I had, but not use streaming sites or anything. Complete abstinence from it. I don't know why I didn't do it before, deleting it, but I guess you form a kind of stupid attachment to it. I tend to hoard things anyway. All the bits of paper that come with DVDs or CDs or whatever I keep, even the plastic film it was wrapped in if there was a sticker on it or something. My computer is full of stuff I won't get rid of in case I need it later. This was just another side of that tendency, more digital hoarding.
I was reading websites where people talk about how using Internet porn had messed them up in various ways. Sexual dysfunction, needing more and more extreme porn to get the same thrill, guys who has no interest in men needing gay porn to get off. That last one kind of struck a cord with me, except with the sexualities switched around. The last dozen or so times I've masturbated, it has been mostly to straight porn. And then things like threesomes or gangbangs (probably because there are more males in those, since I don't get much arousal from the female participants). So there was times, as I have written about here before, where I wondered if I was bi or something. Not to the same level as 'gay OCD' sufferers who worry they might be gay and are really troubled by it, but still.
And there are times when I just couldn't keep my mind on having sex, and would end up 'replaying' porn in my head. Which actually happened the first time I had sex. I'm trying to remember when I have actually orgasmed during sex (except oral, which has a grand total of twice), and I am not sure if I have now. I have enjoyed it, and there were probably other factors at play, but something is obviously not working right there. So what do I have to lose?
To be honest, I have grown ambivalent towards porn lately. Maybe a bit more negative than just simple ambivalence. I am not about to go around condemning it, or telling other people what they should do. I have just become cynical about it as a whole. Looking at attractive people is nice, and watching them have sex is nice. Just as a consumable item, as a piece of entertainment, it has lost appeal for me. I look at what it adds to my life, and there's nothing, really. The chance to see guys I will never have sex with, having sex with other people (sometimes not even of the gender I'am attracted to)? Sex acts I haven't tried? Situations that I'm unlikely to experience personally? I suppose there are those, but I have grown far too pessimistic about the whole industry to really enjoy it. So I am taking it out of my life. See what it is like to completely remove it and any influence it might have. 'Rebooting' myself back to a state before it.
('Industry' is something that could easily apply to any type of entertainment medium, and there is of course a lot of amateur stuf out there now, but still.)
***
First time I saw porn, probably like a lot of guys, it was stuff my dad had. There wasn't really much special about it, except one magazine had an older guy pissing in a young woman's mouth (the word 'vintage' is forever tainted for me by its use in the caption of that image), and that the guy looked like the music teacher at my school. But there was this big collection of magazines that formed a series about sex, talking about different topics and giving techniques. More informative than pornographic (though at that age it was still enough to get me hard). There was one issue that had an article on being gay. I can't remember now if it was about being gay yourself, or your child being gay. I have a gut feeling it was the latter. I have the memory of pictures of a man and woman sitting with their daughter, and another pair talking to their son. At that time I wasn't 'gay' yet, but there was something about that article that stood out to me more than the others.
While I don't think had much idea about my sexuality growing up, I did have that feeling of being different in some way. I wouldn't say that I was one of those guys who 'always knew' considering most of the crushes I had up until e age of about 13 were on girls, but I did feel like there was something that wasn't quiet the same. I'm not one to really try to psychoanalyse the past and figure out why things happened. I don't have a good enough recollection, so any insights are probably going to be influenced by what I know or feel now. It doesn't really matter to me if I was always the way I am now or if it is something that shifted and changed as I grew.
I kind of want to read that article again, but those magazines were thrown out years ago. There is not really any need to read it, since I won't really learn anything useful. I don't have kids or plan on having any in the near future (and I should hope I'd be accepting of them being gay) and my parents have either taken my coming out really well or are likely to. Nostalgia is probably the main reason, It's moments like this that make me hoard things!
***
This 'giving up porn' thing also includes another sacrifice: no wanking. It was part of the whole 'rebooting' program I had read about. I am aiming for about a month. Seeing as how I can't motivate myself like an adult, I am motivating myself like a child with the promise that I will buy something big and expensive if I make it.
So far, it's not going too well. I can go about four days before I give in. Trying this thing, it has surprised me how many times I might have found myself idly looking at porn during a week without any specific intention. It is something I didn't expect to need to look out for.
I am back on day 1 today. I wondered what it would mean if I had sex, would that spoil the process, but yeah. I don't think I have to really worry too much about that spontaneously happening. It has been a long while now since anyone showed interest (or at least anyone I had any interest in back) so I don't think that's going to be too big of an issue here.
I was reading websites where people talk about how using Internet porn had messed them up in various ways. Sexual dysfunction, needing more and more extreme porn to get the same thrill, guys who has no interest in men needing gay porn to get off. That last one kind of struck a cord with me, except with the sexualities switched around. The last dozen or so times I've masturbated, it has been mostly to straight porn. And then things like threesomes or gangbangs (probably because there are more males in those, since I don't get much arousal from the female participants). So there was times, as I have written about here before, where I wondered if I was bi or something. Not to the same level as 'gay OCD' sufferers who worry they might be gay and are really troubled by it, but still.
And there are times when I just couldn't keep my mind on having sex, and would end up 'replaying' porn in my head. Which actually happened the first time I had sex. I'm trying to remember when I have actually orgasmed during sex (except oral, which has a grand total of twice), and I am not sure if I have now. I have enjoyed it, and there were probably other factors at play, but something is obviously not working right there. So what do I have to lose?
To be honest, I have grown ambivalent towards porn lately. Maybe a bit more negative than just simple ambivalence. I am not about to go around condemning it, or telling other people what they should do. I have just become cynical about it as a whole. Looking at attractive people is nice, and watching them have sex is nice. Just as a consumable item, as a piece of entertainment, it has lost appeal for me. I look at what it adds to my life, and there's nothing, really. The chance to see guys I will never have sex with, having sex with other people (sometimes not even of the gender I'am attracted to)? Sex acts I haven't tried? Situations that I'm unlikely to experience personally? I suppose there are those, but I have grown far too pessimistic about the whole industry to really enjoy it. So I am taking it out of my life. See what it is like to completely remove it and any influence it might have. 'Rebooting' myself back to a state before it.
('Industry' is something that could easily apply to any type of entertainment medium, and there is of course a lot of amateur stuf out there now, but still.)
***
First time I saw porn, probably like a lot of guys, it was stuff my dad had. There wasn't really much special about it, except one magazine had an older guy pissing in a young woman's mouth (the word 'vintage' is forever tainted for me by its use in the caption of that image), and that the guy looked like the music teacher at my school. But there was this big collection of magazines that formed a series about sex, talking about different topics and giving techniques. More informative than pornographic (though at that age it was still enough to get me hard). There was one issue that had an article on being gay. I can't remember now if it was about being gay yourself, or your child being gay. I have a gut feeling it was the latter. I have the memory of pictures of a man and woman sitting with their daughter, and another pair talking to their son. At that time I wasn't 'gay' yet, but there was something about that article that stood out to me more than the others.
While I don't think had much idea about my sexuality growing up, I did have that feeling of being different in some way. I wouldn't say that I was one of those guys who 'always knew' considering most of the crushes I had up until e age of about 13 were on girls, but I did feel like there was something that wasn't quiet the same. I'm not one to really try to psychoanalyse the past and figure out why things happened. I don't have a good enough recollection, so any insights are probably going to be influenced by what I know or feel now. It doesn't really matter to me if I was always the way I am now or if it is something that shifted and changed as I grew.
I kind of want to read that article again, but those magazines were thrown out years ago. There is not really any need to read it, since I won't really learn anything useful. I don't have kids or plan on having any in the near future (and I should hope I'd be accepting of them being gay) and my parents have either taken my coming out really well or are likely to. Nostalgia is probably the main reason, It's moments like this that make me hoard things!
***
This 'giving up porn' thing also includes another sacrifice: no wanking. It was part of the whole 'rebooting' program I had read about. I am aiming for about a month. Seeing as how I can't motivate myself like an adult, I am motivating myself like a child with the promise that I will buy something big and expensive if I make it.
So far, it's not going too well. I can go about four days before I give in. Trying this thing, it has surprised me how many times I might have found myself idly looking at porn during a week without any specific intention. It is something I didn't expect to need to look out for.
I am back on day 1 today. I wondered what it would mean if I had sex, would that spoil the process, but yeah. I don't think I have to really worry too much about that spontaneously happening. It has been a long while now since anyone showed interest (or at least anyone I had any interest in back) so I don't think that's going to be too big of an issue here.
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