I went to the GUM clinic last Monday and got the all clear to start using this wart cream again, but it wasn't until Friday that I actually did. Right amount this time, although I almost absentmindedly put a second coat on. It's been itching since then, which I'm hoping is a sign it is working again. Because there are more there now. For something that is meant to clear up on its own, it's just doing the exact opposite. 

Being in a bit of a slump lately. Not felt like doing much, missed a bunch of things, delayed stuff I should have done earlier (like using the cream again). Not answered phone calls or emails. Not done a whole lot of anything, to be honest. 

I'm lying awake in bed, at 7 in the morning unable to sleep, glancing at a shelf I started tidying about two weeks ago. It's not been touched since. It's a pretty fitting metaphor for how I'm feeling about life right now. A mess of things that need either sorting out or throwing out that I have procrastinated on doing anything about. 

I've reconsidered the idea of getting back on things like Scruff. I'm not sure I really want that business in my life at the moment. I think I'd rather work on some other personal stuff first. (Also there are still lumps growing on my penis, so I'm not feeling all that attractive right now.)

I did make some efforts to get things done. I made some phone calls I needed to make, only to find out both people were on leave at the same time. I went out a few weekends back after not getting out much. The night was okay at the end, but it started awkwardly. The plan was to have a sort of picnic/BBQ in a park. Which lead to sitting on the grass while other people spoke.

"You're so quiet."

If I had a dollar (or more usefully a pound) for every time this has been said to me, I would be in a lot better state financially than I am now. I would have gotten a fair bit of money that afternoon alone. I know that I am too quiet in big social events. There were about 9 people there that day, three I hadn't met before and a few I knew casually, and four I knew better. But one of those was T.N. who I find hard to talk to no matter the situation, so that wasn't much help for me. And being in such a big group, I tend not to participate much. I sit back and listen. I think too much about what I might want to say, then too much time has passed and I think that I can't say it now. I did try, mind you, on a couple of occasions. But it didn't necessarily work out how I'd hoped. (Talked over, not making myself heard, etc.)

But there were a couple of times when people got up and moved about. Which at one point, left me sitting alone. Something I have noticed about myself is that in unfamiliar surroundings or situations where I might be feeling nervous or anxious, I keep myself glued to one spot. 

When I stayed the night at one of T.S.'s friend's flat, I spent that morning and afternoon sat on the sofa until everyone moved to another room. When I saw him again months later and spent the night at his house, I did the same thing again. I slept with a couple and stayed the night and most of the next day there (I can't remember if I wrote about them specifically, though I did mention this session briefly here, so not sure if they have a little code; I guess I will go with M&V), but I stayed parked on the sofa the whole entire time. Because the thought of getting up and interacting made me feel too anxious to do anything. I think that I'll just be in the way, or not wanted around, or not know what to say and end up standing there in silence. So I stick to one spot, and if they want to speak to me or something then they know where to find me. Which doesn't help to not feel anxious, it just makes it worse. Because then I just get to thinking about how I should be integrating with people and not sitting alone, and that's only going to increase the anxiety. 

Which is what happened that day in the park, which is when I got the 'quiet' comment (and a couple of other jokey 'will you let me speak, you never stop talking' ones throughout the day). As soon as someone says that, it just makes it harder to not be quiet. It's pretty counterproductive, at least in my experience, when it's a personal characteristic to be that way and not a situational thing like having a bad day. I don't know what it is that stops me. I looked around and wanted to participate in things, but I couldn't. I guess inside I worry about not being welcome or fitting in. So I end up basically waiting for 'permission' to join, which to other people will probably just look like sitting on your own and not wanting to be a part of the group. 

Sitting around people who seemed to have no problem with socialising only served to highlight all the things I don't like about myself in these situations. 

One of the new faces in this group, who I didn't interact with at all (which I'm not upset about, speaking frankly), was someone T.N. had brought. He had been sending people messages, myself included, talking about having found a boyfriend. Apparently he was referring to this guy he'd invited along. I don't personally see the appeal in him. He's not my type, but then again I've slept with people like that before out of sheer spineless inability to get out of it. Though if you're using words like 'boyfriend' I assume it isn't the same deal. But then later on in the day after someone told him this guy was pretty promiscuous T.N. just said it was 'a bit of fun'. Two of the things I dislike about T.N. (once I start thinking there are a dozen or two annoyances that spring to mind) are the way he isn't clear about what he is trying to say, and the way he places too much meaning on things too soon. Like he did when I slept with him while drunk, and then he is talking about being boyfriends and soul mates the next morning. Or months later, saying he wants me to be his boyfriend again. As if I were ever that in the first place. 

(It's definitely something about him, though. When T.S. introduced me as the 'guy [he] was seeing' after only a week, that felt nice. I felt good about that. But there were things I liked about him. I honestly don't know what about T.N. I could say I like, because I can't think of much. Nothing superficial like looks, his dick is kind of big but I don't really care about that, he doesn't really talk about anything I find very interesting, no charismatic personality traits.'Acquaintance' is the furthest I'd put him now, and definitely nowhere near nor wanting him anywhere near 'boyfriend'.)

***

It was August 19th when I wrote the above, seemingly unfinished. In the time that has passed I finished with what I had left of the cream, which did work. Only now, after a few weeks without it, everything is back to how it was. So much for clearing up on its own. If I can rouse myself at a reasonable time tomorrow morning I am going to have to go back for a fourth time to get this looked at. This is really starting to do my head in now.

I've been making more effort, although a lot out of obligation, to be more active and not sulk around the house. Spent a week house sitting for my dad, which drilled home the idea that it's my current living arrangements causing a lot of stress for me. Back at school, which helps since while I'm not working having the summer off doesn't do me much good. I need something to force me to leave the house, at least as I am now. Skipped a number of social events, but went out this weekend. Not gotten back on Scruff or anything, but I did at least look at it once. That's a start. That shelf is looking a bit tidier now, too. 

Haven't seen T.N. for a while, so I'm happy about that. Used to seem him at a weekly group thing, but I can't attend that now with college. (So no more having him walking with me to my bus stop and trying to get me to have a pint with him, thank God.) He tried to get me to meet up with him while he was near my neighbourhood for a drink, but I lied and said I was studying (I should have been, but I wasn't). He started a new job but was fired by the end of the first day. When he was trying to convince me that I should give him another chance being more stable (having lost his previous job last year when things went down) was one of the points he used to convince me. He didn't have a job at that time either, and losing one on your first day doesn't scream 'stability' in my view. 

But maybe I've just got a lot of pent up resentment towards him now and every little thing annoys me ten-fold. But then he's literally stalked me, yet acts like nothing is wrong about that. Not that he admits it, he seems to have a convenient tendency to 'forget' things like how he knows my address or that he used my old surname hours before (I changed it when I was about 22-3 but never told him what it used to be). 

I have got myself too much involved with other people that I will not be able to get rid of him without breaking things off with all these people who I actually like, or moving somewhere different. Next time I am making efforts, I should include letting some of those other people know that I'd rather not be put in situations where I'm alone with him and hope for a bit of understanding (I can count on at least one getting it since he knows the most about this).