Mobile: successes and failures

Managed to have sex with someone again. I had its good points and bad points.

Good points were I felt more comfortable being naked and in the whole situation this time as well. That's the second time in a row (a short and very spaced out row but a row none the less). Still stuff about myself physically that I want to do something about, but I seem to be getting more comfortable in myself.

And I was getting fucked which actually worked this time. I tried poppers for the first time, but I'm not sure if that helped. I didn't really feel much different after having used them. Pretty sure I used them right (put the bottle under your nose and inhale), but maybe I didn't use enough. Or maybe it did work and I just didn't feel anything in my head.

Also got to cuddle for ages. It made me think that I do want a stable relationship if it means getting more of that. Being the little spoon, especially.

The bad, in ascending order, would be that I think I need to learn how to suck cock better. I did it but with some difficulty. Maybe I just don't actually like doing it. Maybe it isn't one of my things.

He wanted to try swapping cum, which was something me and another guy had discussed but didn't get the chance. So I tried it this time. But his spunk tasted really bitter, and the aftertaste stuck around for a bit too long.

But mostly on the bad side, he fucked me without a condom. Didn't do it to completion, he finished off by hand. But he still did it, and I let it go on for a while. Knew it was happening. He said he'd do it like that for a bit then get one. In the end I stopped it by saying it was hurting. I had dropped mentions of condoms into the conversation beforehand. He seemed to be going along with it, said he had them. But then it all started happening quickly and I didn't process it fast enough.

I knew what I actually wanted to say, but just couldn't get the words out. I had the words right there in my mind, but couldn't speak them. Actually talking and speaking my mind has always been a problem for me. People I've met online always say things like "you're so quiet in person but you talk a lot by text," which is true. Even just socially, I'm the same. Actually saying the words can be really hard to do. I think too much about it and then the moment to talk is gone because I've left it too long. I've started seeing a therapist at my doctors' surgery for cognitive behavioural therapy, and I'm hoping this is one of the things I can change. I've tried reading books on it myself but I either can't concentrate for long enough or become unmotivated. If I'm lucky having the pressure of someone else expecting me to work at it will help.

I caught myself trying to rationalise it, and the possible continuation. He said he'd gotten out of a long-term closed relationship recently, after 15 years. That he'd not slept with anyone else except his partner, this one guy they had a threesome with once, and me. That's what he said, anyway, and being in a relationship doesn't mean all's clear. But you start compromising a little and soon it all starts coming undone. Letting one thing slide leads to another and at one point you might find yourself letting the wrong things by.

I've not really beaten myself up over it this time, though. Maybe because, even if it was through lies, I managed to stop it part way. Maybe I have just learnt how not to be so harsh on myself without realising. Given that it was only done for a short while, risk-wise I probably won't need to go through PEP or anything again. I probably won't get it from this. They were close to not giving it me before, only really agreeing for my peace of mind. Given the levels of risk I'm not sure if they would agree this time. Nor would I want to go through it again.

So I'm disappointed in myself, but I know what to work on changing. And if he gets in touch and starts talking about having sex again, I want to say--albeit through text--that uses a condom the entire time. None of that 'just for a while' business again.

Definition of 'Sleazy Pig'

On Scruff a guy whose profile included multiple uses of words like 'sleazy' and 'pig' sent me a woof.

I don't really know what sleazy sex entails. I had to look it up on Google to see what kind of things are called sleazy, what qualifies one to be a pig. From what I've gathered so far:

Piss? I'm not really into the idea. Even more so with scat.

Spitting, I might. I've done it before, but only into the guy's mouth. Never been done to me, and I don't know about spitting on someone or being spat on.

Group sex? That's okay. The idea of a really large setting with lots of guys is appealing, but I'm not sure if it's appealing in a way that I'm willing to make happen.

Fisting, I'm not keen to try either way, nor anything that involves pain like cock and ball torture.

I don't know if barebacking is 'sleazy' or there is just some overlap between the two.

He also had 'no limits/leaving limitations at the door' lead me to assume it'd involve barebacking. If there's some variation of 'anything goes' that's usually what I assume.

I considered sending him a message and asking what he considered 'sleazy'. I decided against it. I wondered why he thought I didn't reply to him (he'll know I've looked at his profile). Because of the 'poz' thing he had in his profile name, maybe.

I've reached the conclusion that I'm not really a sleazy pig. The furtherest I can see for myself is that I find it kind of hot when guys sweat or are kind of dirty (mud, etc.) but even that isn't to extremes. I don't mean the smell of a guy who's not washed in days. Armpits? Rimming? Some curiosity about the milder forms of being dominated? Interest in trying a bit of bondage? Those are good.

But I don't know if that's sleazy. I'm probably not going to advertise myself as sleazy.

How To Be A Heartbreaker

I started talking to J.N. in December, on Scruff. He was, if I'm honest, one of the reasons that I considered Scruff a success. He might have coloured my view of how it stacked up as an experiment in meeting guys, because it went so well.

But it's not without problems. When we met for the first and only time, I was a bit quieter than when we had been talking through text. He could be evasive. I like clear answers, but he would give vague and non-committal replies if I asked him what he was looking for with this relationship. And he is always working. And it's been a concern that I might get my hopes up over someone who would never have the time for me. I don't expect to be seeing you all the time and every day, but I want a bit of time. So I hadn't managed to see him again, though we still talked through text messages.

Yet on Monday, he tells me about his weekend. How he went up to another city in the county. How he met some guy and slept with him. How great it was. How many times they had sex, how long it lasted.

This was the man who kept telling me he was too busy to see me. That he didn't have the money. Didn't have the time to see me. Yet here he is, going to some other city further away than mine and fucking some guy. And now he's off to London for a few days (which he once talked about, mentioning how much he liked the city and hooking up with guys there). And is going back to meet and have sex with that guy over the weekend.

But I don't blame him. I'm annoyed about it, but I can see why. I blame myself. Like always. The horrible way I conduct my life, how many constraints I have, financially and mentally and in terms of living arrangements. Just who I am overall. They fucked at this guy's home. I can't offer that. I can't really offer anything of much value or merit. I just add it to the list of other failures that go to prove the things I tell myself.

***

One night I brought up the topic of how I wondered if I had slept with enough people. This seemed to get on the wrong side of him. "I thought gay men were fickle, but this is ridiculous." He told me I was free to sleep around, but not to expect him to wait for me.

At that moment, the thought that I might have ruined things upset me. It made me realise how much I actually did care about this. It wasn't the same kind of feeling as when a guy just stop making contact or something. I was a lot more open with him, told him things I might not tell others. I thought we were closer than I had been to anyone I'd met in a long time. That maybe it was a bit different that what I had with other guys.

***

Over the weekend, I did make out with someone on a night out. But I wouldn't have done anything else. I wouldn't have slept with him, because I kept J.N. in mind. Saving myself for him, in a sense. I didn't want to spoil things or lose my chance. I stopped using Scruff or websites because of him.

Yet when I told him about what I'd done on the weekend, he asked if I got the guy's number. Said he can 'make time for friends.'

And I took that as telling me what I am to him now. I'm a friend, somebody who it wouldn't matter if I got some other man's phone number.

I told him before that even if a proper 'relationship' didn't work out, I'd still like to be friends because I enjoyed talking with him and spending time with him. But I still need a little time to feel hurt if this is the case.

For someone who complained about gay men being fickle, he seems to going some way to making himself an example of that.

Mobile: spoke too soon

When I gave P&D as an example of a couple who had an open relationship and stuck together, I couldn't have timed it worse. Heard yesterday that they've had a falling out, something about D sleeping with someone else (so I guess they were meant to be closed after tying the knot). So that's not good anecdotal evidence for the longevity of open relationships after all.

I did find myself wondering if this meant I might have a chance with D, which did make me feel a little guilty. Using someone's break up to sleep with one of them. Not that it's a realistic idea. I only have one number for both of them, don't know whose phone it's for, and don't see them out that often. It's just idle fantasy because I didn't get a good chance with D and he was attractive (speaking with others, it seems to be the common view).

Love's Bullfight

I have been thinking lately about how hard I find it to let go of grudges.

I'm not really sure when or if I'd forgive T.N., and if I did it'd probably be a 'forgiven but not forgotten' deal. Looking at it now, I'm not sure anything would really change if I did forgive him, because I kind of feel like I'd still be a bit cold and distant towards him afterwards the same as I am now. Maybe I don't actually know what it means to forgive people.

It's because of stuff like this that I don't think I would take being cheated on too well.

I've had people betray my trust in the past, and I'm still hesitant about letting other people in. I'm liable to hold a grudge if the trust I did eventually place in someone is broken. Maybe not to the point of something drastic like chopping off body parts, but chances are things might never be the same again. I'm not really sure how I would react, but it would probably ruin things for me. I hold myself to some harsh standards, and I guess I'd be looking for the same in close personal relationships like that. If you agreed to something (like monogamy), then I'd expect you to keep to it.

This is jumping the gun a fair bit, since as I ought to worry about finding someone who's willing to stick around that long before plotting what will happen if they let me down. I've not really reached a conclusion as to where I stand on having an open relationship personally. I am up for the idea, but I don't know to what extent. For some it works (P&D got 'married' a couple of months ago), but I know another couple who recently started having an open relationship and are now split up.

There's all these things I need to get my head around first. But the matter of trusting people in the first place probably gets in the way a lot and I really don't know how to sort that out right now.

Year One

On Friday it was exactly a year since this. It went by without much fanfare. I mean, what would you expect? It's not something I share with everyone. It's not something you make a big show and dance about.

But it lead me to think a bit about how this past and what I've done during it to change. Basically it boiled down to:

- As far as sex goes I haven't repeated the same mistake, despite being close once. But I also haven't had much sex since then. Without going back and looking at what I've written here, it's only been six occasions. Four one-on-one sessions (P.G. who smelt of smoke and weed, T.M. which was just unpleasant, one I've never written about but for no big reason, and P&D's P which was the best) and two threesomes (first with P&D which ended before it really began, and then with G.M. and the other guy). That's 7 people, which seems quaint. But there were plenty of times when I didn't feel up to hooking up, and the time when I was taking PEP and waiting for the follow-up results from that. That, added with the living situation that spoilt it before then as well, didn't really lead to much action.

- I've gotten a bit better at asserting myself lately. There were times at the beginning where I let people lead me into things I didn't want (T.M. again), but lately I've gotten better at sticking up for myself partly. I managed to say no when men started suggesting barebacking (on three occasions so far), but still got myself into a corner like when the guy who didn't want me to wash my cock (so he could suck it like that) wanted me to go to some strange town on the buses I don't know at all. My tactic has been to just go quite, not initiate contact (or sometimes not reply at all) and hope they give up. It seems to have worked for the guy above, and I've not heard anything from the guy I Skyped with who wanted me to bareback him (but is that just the flakiness of hooking up online?). It's not really the best strategy, though.

- Health-wise, I've not been treating myself that good. I've found my mood dropping and so I don't take good care of myself. Let myself go these past few months. I'm still not back on track, but do at least want to start and not completely given up. Wanting alone isn't enough, but it's a start.

- Still, I'm getting myself out the house and meeting people. In a non-sexual way, anyway. It's not always gone perfectly, but it never will if you don't put yourself out there and try.  I've done a bit better with it recently, and I'm feeling more positive about it.