PEP: Day 4

Sitting in bed right now, about to get ready to go to the clinic. Since yesterday I've had this persistent feeling of nausea without actually needing to vomit. You can feel it in your stomach and the back of your throat, but you don't get the relief of actually throwing up. It just stays there, along with the strange taste in your mouth. But the diarrhoea has started now. Super.

For a day or two it looked like I might get off lightly as far as side-effects go, but my luck seems to be running out there. Might start taking the other meds just to preempt it getting any worse. But it's possible I will have to cancel a lot of/all my plans for at least this week. I don't want to be out of the house and having to rush to a public toilet and stay there for 15 minutes.

I did at least get my PEP taken at the proper times today, so that's something to be proud about. Not sure if I need to bother taking the morning dose out with me to the hospital, since I should be done and home by then.

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Looking back on M.B., I don't really know what I was thinking.

I'm pretty open about 'types' of guys, but even in his better-than-the-real-thing photo he wouldn't fall into what I'd consider attractive. Take the thing where you see someone you find attractive in the street, and you end up looking back at them once or twice or more, if you can get away with it (at least I hope that's a thing and not just me). Even on the way home from the hospital on Friday, with a bag containing this box full of pills in my hand, I couldn't help checking out a couple of guys. I don't really fixate on model-level good looks or perfect physique, just as long as there is something I find charming.

M.B. didn't really do any of that for me. The closest would be that at least he was smiling in his photo. But overwhelmingly someone I would just walk past without a second thought.

Looking back, maybe my standards have been too open. Maybe I just took anything I could get because I didn't think I could get anything else. Cling on to anyone who showed interest. Which is probably the danger with combining sleeping around with low self-esteem.

If I had to pick the one guy as the most attractive, out of all the men I've met so far, it would be T.M. Possibly this new guy (who's going to be B.C.), but I've not even met him yet so things might not go anywhere. There's been maybe 3 others who were at the same or just slightly lesser level of physical appeal.

In the back of my mind I sometimes think, "who do you think you are, saying anything about how people look? It's not like you're one to be judging other people's looks." And yeah, while that's some old negative thinking I need to get rid of, I'm definitely not going to be scouted out to appear on some magazine cover with my shirt off. But I've come to accept that I'm not going to be everyone's type. Not everyone is going to like me. But I will be someone's type. But trying to please everyone doesn't work, and more often than not I'd just end up becoming a recluse. Again.

So here's another item for the list of things to work on. Not saying yes to every offer from a guy just because you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings.