Learn To Take A Compliment

"You're really handsome. I know you don't believe that, but you are."

C.R. said this to me while we were lying in his bed taking a break between sex. I never told him that I didn't think I was, but I guess he picked up on the fact that I don't. I must not hide these things as well as I'd hope, or maybe it's harder to hide things when you've that exposed. I get a bit too honest at times like that.

Posting quotes like this, I can't help but think it all looks like I'm trying to boast about it. Or fishing for compliments, which is unlikely when the only picture here is a headless Greek statue and I give no links to sites that might be showing more.

Probably because I grew up telling myself the opposite, how unattractive I am and of all the flaws I saw in myself, and the only time I remember hearing different was from a cleaner at my second high school making some comment about how I'd be handsome when I grew up. Which was nice of her, but I didn't believe her. So there's always some discomfort whenever people give me praise. I have had my picture online (socially and specifically when looking for men) and people have called me good-looking. But I find some way to dismiss it. The guys probably just say that to everyone, they just want to fuck. The women are probably just being polite.

Headless Greek statue fits nicely with what I wanted from this blog. Partly because it goes with the Greek name of the blog (though it's a statue of Hermes; apparently there are no statues of Ameinias for Google Images to show me). But also because I wanted it to be more about the emotional, internal side of things than the external, physical. More about what's going on inside my mind than my external appearance.

But I want to reach the point of self-confidence where someone telling me I look handsome or cute or hot doesn't arouse a feeling of discomfort inside me. I want my response to be an honest and casual 'thanks', rather than a forced 'thanks' used to cover up my disbelieve at their sincerity, or silence and turning my head away. Having that confidence would help me live life how I want it.

It's been a bit of a trial on the road to that acceptance. There's days when I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see despite there being some things I'd rather were different. But there's the other days when I'm back to the old ways of thinking. Today has been one of the good days, even if I don't feel great all around.