PEP: Day 2

One day down. If I was experiencing side-effect after just the noon (actually 1pm) dose, it was tiredness. But then I hadn't been sleeping very well this past week anyway, and only got two hours of sleep yesterday before heading to the clinic. I actually fell asleep about two hours after the first dose, which I took at the clinic. Set an alarm on my phone for 1pm and 10pm, when I'd take the evening dose. Didn't quite go to plan, as I did hear the alarm but didn't get out of bed until 11:30. I was sluggish (already dropped my phone on the floor trying to turn the alarm off), and my arms felt ridiculously heavy. That kind of feeling you can get sometimes after having an injection.

The 'starter pack' includes:
20 Kaletra tablets (2 tablets twice a day)
5 Truvada tablets (1 tablet once a day)
30 Loperamide capsules (1 to 2 capsules when necessary, anti-diarrhoeals)
28 Metoclopramide tablets (1 tablet three times a day when necessary, anti-nauseants)

First photo of this blog, and it's of my box of pills. Exciting. That's a five day course, although I'm back at the clinic on Monday morning. See if I'm holding up okay and can take the full course of treatment. I haven't taken any of the other two medicines yet (anti-diarrhoeals or nauseants), but I am starting to feel like I will be needing them. Maybe I just need to eat something. Just reading the list of potential side-effects and complications is enough to make me want to take the Metoclopramide, mind you. Definitely not something I would want to be on continually.

The cost of the full course (which I don't have to pay for, the wonder of 'socialist' health care) is approximately £600. And it's lucky that I'm not paying for it, since at this point I couldn't without asking others for money and thus having to reveal what happened.

I think I have calmed down a bit now. Got things in more of a positive ("I'm not just sure. I'm HIV-positive.") perspective. I live in a lower risk city, the chances are low either way. I don't know the likelihood of having a natural resistance with my ancestory (Irish, English and Middle-Eastern), but maybe I got lucky somewhere down the family tree? (That might be getting too optimistic, now.)

Now I was able to again, I took the opportunity to check Mr. M.B.'s profile online. "Safe sex - always" rings very hollow from where I'm standing. (But then again, I say the same thing and look where it got me.) That was the first thing I checked before looking through the other boxes. Bi, not out, would love it if you brought your mates around to fuck him. Works at the NHS (National Health Service, UK's public hospitals), apparently. It would have been awkward if I had run into him when I went to the hospital yesterday. I might have punched him in the face and lost him another tooth. But that would be taking out the anger I have towards myself on someone else. I was half dreading finally reading it to see a bunch of "hardcore bb cumslut takes any load fuck and go!!!" and realising I had walked straight into it by not checking it out before I agreed. But except for general sluttiness (can't remember now if the phrase "anything goes" appeared is his bio), there wasn't much there.

The "safe sex always" thing is actually starting to really wind me up now I'm writing about. I try to be honest with my profile and the things I say. I guess I expect others to do the same. I mean, why not just put "sometimes" or "never" or "needs discussion" or even just leaving it blank if that's actually the case? I don't know, is the idea that you say you always have safer sex, it gives the impression you don't have anything so people will think, "hey, I don't supposed barebacking will hurt that much this one time!" or something? I might not have sex with you if you make it clear you're going to only fuck bareback, but I would appreciate the candidness if that was put forward clearly and directly.

It makes me feel like a hypocrite, given that I had that in my profile and ended up both fucking him and getting fucked bareback. But as to not be too hard on myself, it's not like I intentionally say that and do the opposite. I mean it when I say it, it's just a matter of other people respecting your wishes, and you stepping up if they don't. Maybe actually saying "no, this isn't going to work," picking up your clothes and leaving. (That said, he did lock me in his house. I'm bigger than him though, I think I could have taken him if I had to fight my way out. I did kung fu for a couple of months as a kid, that must surely count for something.)

Last time I saw my GP, she gave me this leaflet detailing a bunch of free courses running in the city. Mental health things. One of them includes a course on assertiveness. If I'm not blogging about how I'm doing on this course soon, I'm going to need someone to kick my arse into gear. The two times I've slipped up sex-wise, it's because I couldn't stand up for myself. Couldn't say that I'd rather not do this. Just let things carry on. So for the sake of my future hooking up and the general necessity for being more assertive in life, I'll be taking that course as soon as I can.

On slightly better news, there were two other people who messages me that night. Not looking to hook up, but just general 'getting-to-know-you' banter. One of them in particular seems nice. Same age as me (which is a bit of a shock, they are a minority when it comes to people paying me attention), looks rather nice (all his own teeth, for one), and what little there was in his profile seems promising. Of course, I'm not looking to hook up with him now, and he doesn't indicate he wants to at all (listed only as looking for friendships and relationships). It would just be nice to make a new friend. And keep one this time, but one step at a time here.

The only trouble was when he started asking for me to talk about myself. It's a thought that fills me with dread, but one I'm going to have to try to overcome. Until I get myself on one of those courses, I've got some other pamphlets and books to be reading. Pass the time before I start on day 2's doses.