Missed my morning dose by over 4 hours yesterday, as well as the evening one by about one and a half hours. This is what I feared would happen if I had to be taking medication at set times of day. On better track to take them normally today, though.
The hardest part of it, if I am able to pick one after just two days, is that there isn't anyone around me I can turn to for support. The sole exception being medical staff, who aren't exactly at my beck and call. The male hospital staff member I talked to before (who in lieu of a set of initials is going to get the name Top Cat instead, which is just what his initials reminded me of) said he'd be there on Monday when I went in, but I don't really have any guarantee I will be seeing him each time I go. And then it will only be once a week.
I only came out to my dad a couple of months ago, and even though he was supportive I don't want to follow it up with this. I never told my mum but assumed she has clued on, but I'm not really that close that I would discuss something like this with her. My brother is definitely out of the question. Even though he knows about my orientation out of invasion of privacy rather than me disclosing it, he's virulently against it. The main way we get along is by my never mentioning it. I wouldn't be telling him about the random people I sleep with anyway, but even if I just went out for coffee or a drink with a guy he wouldn't take it very well. He has had over 10 years to get used to the fact, but he hasn't made any progress. Instead I get told that he would never speak to me again if I do "anything weird" or that he would get me cured if he had the money.
There is only one friend I really trust enough to tell, and they're in America. The best I could do was send an email.
For financial reasons, I'm living with my mum and brother at the moment. I was made redundant a while back (I no longer say how long exactly because it is embarrassing at this point), and am trying to get retrained for a new career since I don't want to keep doing the job I was in before. Getting my own place is beyond my means at the moment, and there isn't anyone I want to share rent with right now. So I'm stuck here.
And 'stuck' is exactly how it feels. The person I spend the most time with is my brother, seeing as he's also out of work and has resigned himself to that. His idea of earning a living is now based on luck and a succession of schemes he never works on. Never works on, despite his complete lack of a social life (due to not trying to have one) and having no real responsibilities to speak of. So most days, he's the one I'm around the most if I'm at home. And he's probably the worst I could be around right now. There is little chance of him taking this news well.
Then again, he already thinks that every time I leave the house it's because I'm off fucking around with anyone and everyone. He acts like I already have AIDS every time I'm a little bit ill. If I'm a bit of an emotional mess during all this, he is the last person I should be around. And the one I'm most likely to spend most of the time with.
The guy I never gave a name, who will be T.M. now, asked me why I didn't just tell my brother if I'm going to meet a guy for a drink. And it is exactly the same problem that got me into this situation. I avoid the confrontation by keeping silent. He says some mean-spirited or just plain ignorant thing, and I put on a blank expression and ignore it because I know he is just trying to get a reaction out of me. Or some guy starts doing something I don't feel comfortable with, and I keep my mouth shut. That assertiveness course looks better by the day.
There have been some times when I've been close to just telling the truth. Before I leave the house, I'll get 20 questions. Where am I going? Who am I going with? Who is this? Where did you meet him? What does he do? Is he married? Does he have kids? He isn't gay, is he? (He is clueless enough to think that being married or having kids actually makes a difference.) Maybe next time, I will just tell him straight out. I'm going for a drink with this guy. Yeah, he's gay. And yeah, it's one of those 'drinks', as in a date. Because you already know I'm gay, you've known for years. What T.M. said about just telling the truth has stuck with me over the months. Now I just need to act on it. If that's the only thing I got from the short time I knew T.M., that's still enough.
I started coughing yesterday, which didn't last very long, not sure if that is a side-effect of the meds or not. I am supposed to be watching out for the signs of seroconversion, although a cough wasn't one of the things the doctor mentioned. I have a vague understanding of what it is like, but should read up on it. But when I had my first slip up (topping only) I got the flu shortly after and assumed the worst. I'm probably going to be like that at the slightest ailment for a while. But I don't seem to be needing the medication for the side-effects so far. Mostly it's tiredness and headaches that's bothering me, though I do at times feel a little sick. That, and I woke up with a strange taste in my mouth but that cleared up after I something. 'Assuming the worst' again.
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