PEP: Day 3 (part 2)

I don't always think through to the big picture. It's living in the here and now, in the worst possible sense.

I'm going to eat too much of this because I like it or as comfort food, even though I know what the consequences will be and will have to work harder later to make up for it.

I'm not going to work out because I feel a bit tired or am doing something else, even though I know that it would do me a world of good in the end.

I'm not going to do this important task because I don't feel up to it right now, even though I know it will just mean more things to do in the future.

I won't take a chance socially because I don't want to deal with the momentary discomfort of things not going right, of rejection and making myself look foolish, even though there might be the chance it turns out well too and any unpleasantness is probably going to be over in no time.

I won't turn a man down because I feel like I shouldn't, even though it might not be what I want.

I won't stand up to people because I don't want to deal with the confrontation, even though problems won't be resolved if you just cower from them.

In a way I've had a comfortable life, but an unsatisfying one.

I have a half-finished screenplay on my computer. It's been half-finished for a while now. Not as long as some of the other ideas I've left gathering dust. Writing is something I've wanted to try for a long time. But despite the fact that I know I'll probably feel good if I finished it, I don't. Because I say to myself, "oh, no one will like that, what's the point?" All I see in my head is how boring it would be. I bet no one will read more than 5 pages, let alone buy the bloody thing. You wrote it. Of course they don't like it.

But I don't know that. I've never put that to the test. Like not approaching someone I find attractive, I tell myself that rejection is the obvious outcome. Might as well avoid it and just let it go. Keep my life comfortable, and unsatisfying.

So today, I opened up the file again. Wrote down all the stuff I've had in my head.

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I might have to start talking those anti-nauseant pills at this rate. I've just eaten and it's gotten pretty bad now. Still not actually thrown up, but I feel like it.