Running Up That Hill

There's going to be a trial study here in the UK (I think it actually started last year) for the PrEP treatment, where you take anti-retroviral medication (Truvada) to reduce the chances of HIV transmission. Not that I will be taking part. I didn't like Truvada when I had to take it as part of PEP, though maybe that was due to the other meds as well. And I don't meet the criteria of having had unprotected anal sex in the last three months, and were likely to do the same again in the future. I'm not about to run out and fuck someone just so I can take part in a medical study.

I thought back on P.G. saying we didn't need to use condoms if we fucked, and there was a part of me that in retrospect just thought "yeah, why not?" I know why not. It's not like these are just reasons I'm told I should have, merely messages received from others. It's things I believe myself. Things that I want for myself.

That idea of "why not?" might be more down to apathy and weariness. That after it seeming like this is what everyone else is doing, there's no point fighting it. That my choices are either celibacy or putting myself at that risk when sleeping around.

Which is stupid. I know logically that's not the only way. There's still plenty of people who are sleeping around and not barebacking. It's a case of standing up for my right to have sex how I want it. But as I've written in the past, I don't always hold my ground.

I wish I had it in me to just stop things then and there the second any bloke mentions fucking raw. Maybe I'm not in the right state mentally at the moment to be negotiating these things. These past couple of weeks have been a bit shit for me.

But stepping back and thinking more reasonably about that, why don't I have it in me? What stops me?

It's something I've spent a fair bit of today thinking about, though mostly relating to other things. The best answer I can reach so far is that it's because that is how I've lived my life up until now. Really, there's nothing that's technically stopping me from changing completely, except that I wouldn't have the model of experience to base my behaviour on that I do if I were to keep doing what I've always done. Which makes this inability all the worse. How hard is it to say 'sorry, not interested'? And online, with all the means to block someone if they don't take it well?

In other situations (say taking the effort to message someone and not getting a response) there's an element of rejection and disappointment that can be off-putting. But in the case of a guy who's trying to take things in a direction I don't want to go in, I'm already disappointed. It's not like there is any more negative outcomes from saying no, as opposed to going along with something contrary to what I want to be doing.

It's obviously a lot easier to say these things than it is to actually do it and change yourself completely. But as a start, that is what I will try to do. Next time someone starts suggesting something I don't want, to just say straight out that I'm not interested. No trying to soften it with 'I'm not sure about that' or 'I'm not keen on this' but to just say clear and simple that I don't want it.

Online things have slowed down lately, I'm not really getting much from anything. Not sure when I will get the chance to put this into practice next, but I am going to keep it in mind until the opportunity arises.