I've had my confrontation with T.N. now, made it clear it wasn't going to happen. Never going to happen. I told him in a club on a night out, said directly that I wasn't interested. But then he walked home with me, saying he wanted another answer without drink involved and after thinking it over. I didn't say a word to him all the way home. My answer didn't come from the alcohol, and thinking about it more wouldn't change my mind. I wasn't going to suddenly be interested in him. I've never been interested in him. I could fill an entire post with things I find unattractive about him.

I didn't say anything, but he never stopped talking. A lot of my suspicions were confirmed, and some new things came out. He was jealous of any man who got close to me, like the stranger the other week. He planned to try to 'wine and dine' me now he had found a new job, as if that would influence me or that I would even agree to go at all. That he thinks he could give me a 'better life', like I would have a good life living with someone I felt nothing for (barely even socially). That I should feel bad, that he wants me to feel bad, for not giving him a straight answer before. I'm not going to let him tell me how to feel, and I don't feel bad at all. I won't. It shouldn't be my responsibility to tell him he should move on, when I don't even know how he got the idea I was interested at all. I have been overtly distant and cold towards him for months. It was his delusions. He talked about how I was smiling at him last year at a party, but I don't know what he was talking about. If I did, it didn't mean anything.

I texted my friend (who was there the other week) the next morning, who told me more things I didn't know. When I had walked home the previous night, he seemed to know when to go his separate way. I never said I lived there, never told him anything except the area name. I tried to confront him about it today, but he just said that I told him I lived near a park and must have stopped walking. I know from my friend that there was more to it than that. He has sat outside my house. I don't know when. He must have looked up my address and stalked me. That was disturbing to learn. Even outside my house it felt like he was following me around. He'd suddenly appear behind me while I was walking somewhere. That seems even more suspicious now given this.

I also learnt that he thinks I've slept with loads of people he or I know. None of whom I have actually slept with. Some of them I've never been alone with. He is just so jealous of anyone being near me. He wants me all to himself. His constant invitations to spend the weekend with him or to meet up during the week. It's all been exactly what I thought I was, excuses to spend time with me alone.

I regret ever having slept with him, ever having spent any time at his house. Regret ever letting him get close at all. I thought he just wanted to be friends, that he was trying to help me socialise, but it hasn't been at all. He admitted he has been in love with me for all the time we've known each other. I never once felt that way about him. If I slept with him, it was because I was drunk or pressured into it or because I was upset about other men and used him.

I feel like I've found the gay version of a 'Nice Guy'--the kind of men who are friendly towards women, listening to their problems and doing nice things and being their friend, in the hopes that the women will eventually see how great they are and sleep with them. It isn't a good feeling. I understand more than ever why women hate that kind of guy.

Meanwhile, I have a guy who actually is attractive who wants to meet me for drinks.