I decided before, when I had finished with the course of PEP, that I needed to be my own defender. I was the one who had to stand up and look out for what I want, keep my boundaries and limits, to not let myself be compromised and pressured into things or to just let events occur without trying to steer them in the direction I truly want.
The problem has been that my way of doing this so far has greatly resembled how I dealt with people during a lot of my teenager years and early twenties: putting up a lot of walls and simply not letting anyone in.
I'm not as bad as I was back then. I go out fairly regularly with a group of guys, I've got other things going on in my life and am moving towards a more defined and concrete goal compared to the aimlessness that marked my adolescence and early adulthood. But I hazard to call any of these guys my friends yet, despite knowing them for a several months now and getting along with them, because I tend to revert back to staying silent and keeping to the background a bit. I'd like them to be my friends, but it's hard reaching that point.
The last time I had anything resembling a date with a guy was when T.S. and I briefly got back together for all of a week. The last time I had sex and enjoy it doesn't spring to mind too freely, I think it was P (P&D) but that wasn't really an emotional thing. But then, not many of my sexual experiences have been. I mostly haven't had sex with anyone I've been emotionally attracted to.
I suppose sex is a big stumbling block for me, lately especially. End of the day I don't care if other people bareback, it's not affecting my life. But it ends up feeling that sometimes the rest of the world wants something different to me. While I know it's not true, it's just seems hard to find. I kind of dread when topics turn to sex because I don't really want to deal with getting asked if I bareback.
Logically, I know it's just a matter of meeting more people. Eventually you'll find people you find in with and who match you. I guess I've just been getting a bit pessimistic about things lately.
On a more optimistic note, I have managed 5 days of this abstinence thing. This is where I usually caved in, but I'm feeling good about my chances for this night. Hopefully sticking to something, even an arbitrary goal, will help motivate me when attempting something more meaningful.
What I have found in my experience is that the things we fear-'stress over' is a more appropriate description-the most in our lives end up never being true reality. People put up false images to protect themselves-problem is, they're usually unknowingly protecting themselves FROM themselves. You said that you sometimes feel those around you-maybe even closest to you-want things so different. However, it may be that what they want is very similar to you-they just don't quite know how to make that clear.
ReplyDeletePS-I have found that those who claim they BB-actually don't. Odd, I know...
I think I need to probably ignore what my mind tells me, or at least be more critical of it, because it probably a lot just in my head. I've met plenty of people who share the same views, but I think I tend to forget those and focus on the ones who do hold a different view or who say one thing and do another.
DeleteI have heard about that, that you find a lot of people who talk about something like that but don't really have any intention with going through with it. Which doesn't particularly help with the perception that this is what everyone else is doing.
Chances are, however, that they are thinking the same thing you are which only continues the cycle of insanity. Imagine how much less complicated our lives would be if people would simply have a conversation with one another rather than make assumptions-or worse-rely on what others have to say.
DeleteWhy are you abstaining from Jerking off? I know too much whacking off isn't good, but total abstinence is also unhealthy. You need to use it to keep everything in working order man!
ReplyDeleteNot that I'm an expert or anything, but it's pretty normal to Jack off once a day.
Oh wait, I am an expert....at Jacking off that is. Hhahaaa.
I guess it's kind of an off-shot of giving up porn, since I tended to mainly jack off while watching it. Then I just started to wonder how long I could go with that as kind of an experiment. I'm not sure how long that's going to last though, since there's been a couple of times when I almost did it.
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