Grindr

About two weeks ago I installed Grindr on my phone.

I was out at the time at a clubbing event, and saw a couple of guys using it. I had used it once before. Then promptly get rid of it. I was at home at the time, and it's not just my house, so I don't bring anyone here. I am kind of wary about these kind of GPS-based apps for that reason. I'm limited to going to either the guy's house or a hotel or one time a car on a country lane (or outside, which I've never done but it is too cold now to be trying that any time soon). The impression I get from people is that Grindr is basically for finding someone to fuck, with anything else a nice bonus.

I was drunk when I installed it. I wasn't really looking to meet anyone, I just wanted to see who was on it and what it was like. I didn't have any details filled out beyond the picture (drunkenly taken of the top of my head). Did manage to see profiles for two friends, which is always a bit of a strange experience. Though one of them I had seen on another site before meeting him, though I didn't realise this until looking through his pictures on Facebook and seeing the one he had used on his profile.

To be honest, I'm not really sure what I want from it. I filled out a couple of the profile fields today on the bus, but after looking at the section for what you're seeking I just saved and quit. I suppose it's because I am a bit of a mess lately (or all the time) lately, for one thing. There's stuff I'd like but don't necessarily know if I'm really up for. And another, I don't know what meanings the culture around Grindr puts into these terms. Like if you said 'dates', I'd expect to get a drink or coffee or something. I'd expect an actual date. Or chat, I don't really know what that's signifying. Friendly chat, or sex chat? Can't remember what the other options were (friends was one, I think?), since those two are the ones that stumped me.

Maybe over the next week or so I'll slowly fill in a bit more and actually try to use it, or delete my profile and try again when I'm feeling more sorted. I did get one message from someone, the morning after the night I installed it. I didn't reply, though. I don't know why I didn't. I probably have come across as proper jerk. Kind of regret that now.

***

I did see J.C. on there while sitting on the bus, though. I had tried looking for J.C.'s profile on the site we'd met on, but it seemed like he'd deleted it. He was supposed to be moving in January for a new job. But he was within half a mile (about 600-700 metres). I never got around to writing about what happened with us. We had something of a falling out, and things were never quite as good as they were before. After a bit he stopped contacting me or replying.

I quite liked J.C., even just from messaging him. And even though things didn't go as well as I'd have liked, the experience did lead to some good out of the bad times. I finally came out directly to one of my parents, after our plans to meet for the first time fell apart. It was probably the first time I ever really flirted with a guy in an overtly sexual way. I've started doing more of what I want and not putting other people first all the time since then.

Right now I don't think I will do anything about this. I kind of want to see him, but given how things went before I'm hesitant. All the problems came from my end. Not necessarily directly from me, but I still didn't stop them.

But this might be me clinging to the past and things I had, rather than moving on and forward.

I am probably going to be thinking about him while I'm trying to sleep tonight, though. (But no wanking; on day 3 of my four attempt at abstaining. My goal is to beat my previous best of 5 days.)