Coming Home

The last couple of weeks have been hectic. A lot of things that needed sorting out, educational/training to get started, and I spent about a week away from home without an Internet connection. I did have sex—or at least started to before getting too tired to finish—during this absence (with the P half of P&D), and fooled around a bit with another guy although that didn't go all the way. I wrote a couple of bits of pieces during the last few weeks, which I should try to clean up and post. I have been going to that therapy course/workshop I mentioned before. I've been finding it helpful, having to think about and confront these issues. I didn't go to this expecting to hook up with anyone. To be honest, I went with the expectation that I would be free from that pressure. That's not to say there are a couple of guys there I might be interested in. I might not exactly be raring for it at the moment, but I'm not dead. But when other men, not the ones I was interested in but didn't have any hopes for, started showing an interest in me, it kind of took me aback. Twice in as many days, I had guys telling me I was good-looking. The first time it was easy to brush off, even if that isn't the best way to take a compliment. A 'thanks' and a smile, then moving on to other topics. But after that, it gets harder to deal with. I end up asking myself, "why me?" Exactly what is it you're seeing in me? I don't know what it is about me that would really warrant the attention. Telling me you don't know why I'd have hang ups about myself. I don't know if it really is that much of a mystery from the outside, but inside I don't feel like I am worthy of it. And I suppose it being from people who I wasn't initially interested in doesn't help. It just seems to add more support to the idea that no one I have a thing for is going to return my feelings. Even writing this feels bad. Because I think if I'm complaining, again, I'm going to look like the kind of person who goes on about how fat or ugly they are because they're looking for compliments. I don't think it matters what people say, I still am some way off believing them. But I did end up in the second guy's bed. We didn't have sex. Made out, he sucked me off, rimmed and fingered me, but that was about it. Instead I just got him to spoon me, lay behind me as I pulled his arm over me. That's all I reallyi wanted at that point. It was the same with P a fortnight earlier. That time I did fuck him, and he did me. He said he was actually mostly a top, which I was kind of glad to hear because I'd like to get fucked more. But I didn't come, nor did he. And it ended with my lying next to him. He asked what was wrong, why I seemed distant. That was a bit of a surprise for me, I didn't think I was being particularly distant. That's just my normal behaviour. But then maybe that is how I've come across to people in the past. Maybe the reason things not seem to work out, why I don't tend to see men more than a couple of times, is that there is something about how I'm acting that people take as being cold or something. It's something I would like to fix. I don't believe it's necessary to change every introversive trait, but this one doesn't feel like one worth hanging onto. Now it's just a matter of figuring out the method. But now I'm kind of anxious about this second guy, the one I didn't fuck/get fucked by. Because I don't know if he's looking for something a bit more than half-a-session in bed. Not saying 'for ever and ever' or anything, but a bit more meaningful or steady maybe. But I don't know if I'm in the right state for that right now. Just hoping things aren't going to end up awkward, or for him to think this is some fault with him rather than an issue I'm dealing with. With luck I'll be able to clear it up so it won't affect any social ties that might be forming or the progress with this workshop course.