There's been a couple of times in my life when I thought I might be bisexual.
My earliest romantic and sexual thoughts were for girls. It was only as I started to get a bit older, maybe around late 13 to early 14 at the lastest, that I started looking more towards guys. By 15 it was pretty much solely guys.
Sadly one of those times weren't when I knew S(♀), who asked if I was bi when I'd told her I was gay. Because she had been hoping I was for her sake. I've carried a bit of guilt about that since then. I know that logically it's stupid to do so. After that conversation she started dating a guy who was an absolute twat, started smoking despite her poor health. Thoughts of guilt about possibly being a reason for these changes were tempered by another side of me asking myself who I thought I was, to even consider that I'd have that kind of an effect on someone. I don't know what happened to her since. I hope she's alright, though with her health there was the possibility that she wouldn't live to be my age. I considered looking for her grave, but I can't remember her surname. I hold out hope that I'll have it written down somewhere and that one day I'll find it again while moving.
It wasn't until I was about 19 that I really considered it again when I met J(♀). When I look back on it, I don't remember feeling anything sexual towards her. I remember the sex thoughts I had about half a dozen or more of our other, male coworkers. But try as I might, I don't remember her ever being in one.
In the following years I'd occasionally watch straight porn. There was a span of a couple of months when I think that's all I watched.
About 2 years ago I was surprised to find out that there's a swinger's/sex club in my town, and not that far from me. Apparently there had been some kind of gangbang filmed there. I had considered joining it at one point. But the biggest reason I'd considered it was that they held bi-nights focused on letting the men explore rather than the women (who might be able to do so on any night). I thought that if I was going to try it, a guy being there would be nice.
There was a period of time when I put 'bisexual' on profiles online. It was easier to say that than 'bi-curious'. You hear that, and you think it's curious about men. I didn't really feel like putting some explanation in my bio about how it was the other way around. (Though I might have gotten a bit of attention from men looking to turn me. Perhaps a missed opportunity there.) Although when I reflect on that, calling myself bi, I do regret it in a way. It can be hard enough for people to get others to accept bisexuality is even a real thing, without some guy making it look like yet another case of using "bi" as a stepping stone towards coming out as just gay.
Lately, that inclination has waned. Profile firmly fixed on 'gay' for the foreseeable future. My current grasp of that side of me is that it's not the idea of having sex with a woman I find exciting. There is a kind of curiosity about it. What's it like? How different is it from being with a guy? What's it like to go down on a woman? Would I be any good at it? (More importantly, I want to know if I would be better than my brother?) But as an act of lust, I don't feel compeled to seek it out or try it. When I looked at what I thought about when I wanked to it, I started to see that it was the guy(s) I was focusing on. I like men enough that even if they're having sex with women I still find them hot. If there's no men involved, say a woman on her own or two or more women together, it doesn't do anything for me.
The way I reason it is that if you are bi (of any degree; both genders equally or more strongly towards one in particular), you would feel some kind of drive. Like a sense of lacking or unfulfillment when this desire has not been satisfied. I just don't have that longing.
Though I have to admit that I have wondered what it's like to be bi. But it's always from an intellectual place than a lustful one. There's a feeling that arises at the thought of being with a guy. A kind of dull burning sensation in the centre of my chest, that quickens my breathing and makes me start biting my lip. If there's a woman out there who would make me feel like that, I've not met her or even seen her.
I have, however, met plenty of men who do inspire such feelings. I'm comfortable enough with this part of me now that I'm fine as I am. If the opportunity comes up at some point, I might take it up. But it's not something I'm going to actively seek out. It might feel good, I don't particularly doubt it would. I just don't have it in me to make an emotional connection to the act. I imagine that's somewhat men who have sex with other men purely for physical release might feel.
If I were to seek it out, it would be in the context of a MMF threesome. I'd want to fuck/be fucked by the guy, while fooling around with the girl if I felt like it. I find the idea of having sex together with another guy, even if we're not doing anything together all the time, pretty hot. I'm not really sure where you'd go to find something that like that. If anyone knows any sites open to the UK where this kind of bi-curious would be fine, feel free to share.
But I'd probably disappoint that couple when I flake on them. Because just days after I wrote the above paragraph, I've lost interest in the idea again. If it was going to happen, it'd have to be either during one of those curious streaks or after having fooled around with the guy for a while, the woman joins in when I'm worked up and more suggestible.
But I'm in no rush.
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