I'm at the point now where I think I'm close to having a proper relationship with a man. (Which would probably mean even less chance of whoring myself out and having sex adventures to write about.)
I didn't have sex until I was 24. Which is a little over a year and a half ago at the time of writing. It was purely out of not trying. I was never rejected, because I never put myself in the position to be rejected. I didn't think I was worth it. I hardly liked myself for so many years that it seemed obvious that no one else would be bothered with me.
When I finally took the leap and put myself out there, it was about a week or two later when it finally happened. Afterwards, I purposely asked him to drop me off in a shopping mall. I hadn't showered or even towelled myself off, and still probably smelt of sex and sweat. I couldn't notice, but I don't know about others. But, among other things (making a convincing lie about where I'd been), I wanted to walk around in the middle of a crowd. Try to take in my surroundings more closely than normal. I thought to myself, "the world is still exactly the same, and I'm just like everyone else now." I knew in my head that having sex wouldn't really change anything, but I don't know. Maybe I just wanted to clear my head a bit.
But while having sex still involves mustering courage, it's gotten a lot easier compared with the suggestion of something more serious.
The idea of having a 'proper' relationship scares me a little. Because there's part of me that won't accept it not being perfect. The concept of dating always confused me as a child, because in my naivety I wondered why you would put yourself through years of making mistakes (dating people you wouldn't marry and eventually broke up with) instead of getting it perfect the first time around. Of course, then I ended up gay and growing up for years not thinking I'd be able to 'get it perfect' (marriage) anyway. But perfectionism is something that's plagued every aspect of my life. I don't want to accept that I wouldn't be able to pick out the right guy straight away.
But this guy is really nice. We only spent about two or three hours together, besides messages and such, but it went so much better than I thought it would. Than I even hoped it would. If anyone I've met had potential to be something more substantial, this is the guy. I've not met many, really, but he's definitely taken the top spot.
For someone who was so confused and critical about other people 'not getting it right' on their first attempt, I am pretty terrified of the prospect of accomplishing that myself. I hate making the wrong choices, which can lead to not making any choice at all, but then here I am with some vague fear about making the right one.
If I sit and think about it, there is a part of me that would think I'm missing out. I missed what some call the 'best years of your life'. I spent more time contemplating ending my own life than shagging anyone who was available. So in a sense, I guess I'd like to make up for lost time, as it were, before settling down. (Monogamy isn't the only possible form a relationship can take, of course, so settling down might not necessarily mean a complete end to sleeping around.) He's about 5-6 years older than me, so many he is moving more into the part of his life where he's more willing to settle down.
Not that I've asked him that. As much as I like him so far, I find myself hoping he'll just want to stay friends and not put me in the position to have to make that decision. Or that he'd be fine if it just lasted a couple of months or a year. (I'd like it to end amicably and to still maintain some kind of relationship with him afterwards if it did, but those aren't really the kind of thing you can plan for.)
It's obviously far too soon to be thinking about these things. I'd rather not ruin any potential development by jumping the gun. But I also don't want to ruin it by saying to him that I don't expect it to last forever, or somewhere deep down maybe don't want it to. I just want to clear all these expectations from my head and let things development more naturally.
*
There's some element of trust in fucking around with someone you don't know. Personal safety, et cetera. But it's a lot different when it means actually getting involved with someone. It's a different kind of personal safety you're putting at risk.
I'm not going to get hurt if someone I'm just going to have sex with doesn't call. Disappointed and possibly annoyed if I'd made a big effort, but emotionally unscathed. This guy would probably only know the most superficial details of my life anyway. (Though one guy who messaged me didn't even want to know those--my "life story" he called it--but I decided I wasn't going to put up with that. Even if I'm just going to have sex with someone once, you're still going to have to show a bit of courtesy.)
But this guy. He sent me a message, and it made my day. I was like a teenager, checking my phone all the time. He doesn't get back to me, and I get dejected. Ask myself if I said something wrong. (Blaming myself is a habit I've not yet broken.) Keep flicking the screen of my phone on hoping to see a new message notice that I might have missed.
And then I realise that I don't want to be feeling like this so soon. It's a level of trust that I'm wary of giving someone.
Maybe it'd be fine. Or better than fine. It might go surprisingly well. As fun as sex with strangers can be, sex with someone you actually care about could be better.
I wouldn't know, as I've never had a person like that in my life.
Maybe I wouldn't care about not whoring myself out to whoever is available, if there was someone like that around. There's plenty of times when just lying next to a guy is what I want the most. It might not be the only thing I'd want, but it would be nice just to have that with someone where there isn't always the pressure (he says like it's a bad thing!) to have sex, or to leave afterwards.
*
Rather than helping me reach a better understanding, all writing this has really told me is that I don't know what it is I want out of life right now.
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