Lost Time

It's 1am here, and I'm still in bed. Still in bed because I have spent all of Sunday here. I've found myself stuck in a cycle of getting up in the evening everyday, and I need to be at the hospital in the morning on Tuesday for my appointment. So the plan was to stay here in bed, falling back to sleep if I woke up, until the morning when I would get out of bed and lead a regular person's day. But for the past hour I've been awake and unable to get back to sleep. Will getting up now be enough to get me into an appropriate sleep cycle to make my appointment? Or did I just lose a whole day in vain?

A lost day would fit right in with the rest of my life right now, though. 

Sometimes I think back on the years I lost in my teens to early twenties, where I lived the life of a recluse for the most part. All the opportunities I missed. The years I missed where I had the gay commodity of youth. I started putting myself out there at my mid-twenties, so I only got the cusp of that. And I was hardly the svelte twink or toned jock that seems to be the image of youth. While I regret the wasted time, I'm also not too downbeat about it. Most of the men I was attracted were older anyway. I can only hope that these older guys would be interested now that I'm getting to be older as well. 

More recently, as has been the topic of this blog for the past dozen posts, it's been the time lost due to sexual health or lack thereof. It's been almost a year out of my life now, and a year where I was starting to do a bit better. Not perfect, but better. Which has been pretty much shot down now. It's going to be a process of rebuilding that, or else wallowing some more. I think I've spent enough of my life wallowing, I don't need any more. 

Part of rebuilding will involve getting more social again. Try to reconnect with people I have neglected, and to get out and meet new people. About two weeks ago was the first time I had been out in months, and one thing that I learnt (again) was that it's hard to make a good impression if you've got nothing to talk about. Doing something with your life helps make you a more interesting person. 

While lying here in bed I have been thinking about getting back on websites or apps. Sometimes I get bored of them and wonder that the point is, think of the disappointments and the weirdos, but I also miss it a bit now. The banter and conversation, and the little ego boost when someone calls you hot. The downside here is that despite anything they might say to the contrary, these are mainly about having sex and that's off the cards for now. 

But I've still considered it, even with the outcome of sex. I've started to want that outcome. Constructed in a way as to avoid certain things. It wouldn't involve me getting off (but looking back, that isn't much of a change). It would be more about servicing a guy and denying myself the same. I get to suck a bloke off, he gets sucked off, job done. Maybe even getting fucked, in a 'clothes on, just get my arse out and fuck me' sort of way. Which I've never done before, and the idea does turn me on. What's the name for this scenario, just basically being used for someone else's pleasure? Dom/sub? Slave? I don't know my terminology as well as I thought. 

I took a look on Craigslist, which seems to have started getting a bit more active here, to see if there was anyone looking for this kind of stuff. Didn't see anyone, and the one guy putting up a bunch of posts looking for young lads to take a shit for him kind of drove me away. 

So I don't know what to do about this, and now I'm too horny and too hungry (it's nearly a day since I've eaten) to get back to sleep. 

Maybe I will take the plunge and get what messages I've gotten. But I think I'm going to be too anxious to actually reply if I did. 

"You poor thing"

Over 3 months since I last posted anything, what can I say? I turned 28, spent a lot of time studying (or using that as an excuse) and not socialising, and these warts still have cleared up. 

During December I had held the vain hope that this warts situation would be over and done with by the start of the new year. Obviously hadn't been the case. That said, there is some improvements. Since I started the freezing treatment again I've seen a difference. The nurses and doctors seem to know now that this is a burden for me. I usually get some sympathetic words. It's nice, but being pitied as the guy with warts on his dick for months isn't the best feeling. 

They have to really go for it with the freezing, though. Some weeks whoever I saw would do about one full application then leave it. It wasn't until a doctor did a full three that I noticed a big change. That change being a lot of pain, the surface of the warts turning a mossy green, said surface peeling off, and strong smelling pus. But the reward for that misery is that large parts of it flatten and shrink. It should have cleared after 3-4 more treatments if this keeps up. 

I have missed a week though, having being a) unable to book an appointment when I left because the reception had closed, b) not managing to call for an appointment due to not sleeping well and getting up too late to call, and c) the fact that the clinic had stopped doing walk-in appointments. Didn't find that out until I travelled all the way there only to be turned away. So I've gone two weeks without treatment, which I am disappointed about because I want this fucking thing gone. 

Contrary to my original attitude at my initial diagnosis, I have started to do some blaming. I've thought about the men I've been with, and who might have been the one to give me this. My two main candidates are the pushy lad I fooled around with in a park, and the guy who smelt of cigarettes when I had the threesome in a hotel. They just both seem like the shadiest men I've been in contact with. But I've not confronted them (can't since I don't have contact details), and I can't really be sure. 

A healthy dose of that blame has been directed at myself. I got this for sleeping around with strangers, should have been more careful, more selective, more sensible. Logically I know that—barring chastity—there would still be a chance it would happen even if I had been 'careful'. Looking 'clean' doesn't necessarily mean much all the time. It's not like you have to do anything risky to end up with this. Slut-shaming myself isn't going to help me in any way. 

The other part of the blame has been going towards Aldara, the cream I was using. When I first used it and used way too much, I had to stop any treatment for a while. It was during that time that the warts spread. Even when I was using the proper amounts, it still caused irritation which meant I had to stop using it. Which just lead to losing whatever progress I had made. I think my skin is just too sensitive for it. Can't handle it. But fuck, do I regret the months I spent using (and then not) that stuff. If I had kept with the freezing, I might have been better months ago. 

I have found the past year pretty rough. There's the pain and irritation for starters. The fact that I haven't confided in anyone I know about it. The length of time it's been dragging on. I stopped going out on the off chance that someone would hit on me and expect something to happen. I started overeating at times because I couldn't see the point in trying not to. Things like dating have been put on an indefinite hold, because I don't want to be stringing a guy along until this has cleared up. (That is making the assumption that I would get more than one date, which history would throw into question.) in general not feeling that comfortable with myself. 

On the flip side, there are a few positives. After a long time of not feeling horny at all, I have a libido again. Actually started wanking again this week, but perhaps overdoing it. Wanking with a foreskin, and warts on the inside of it, is basically the same as scratching the warts (and the way they're positioned rubbing them against each other). Which is only going to make them worse. And worser still given that I have been wanking multiple times on the days I do. I should probably cut it out, and probably will. Or hopefully will, because I'll be having more freezing and more pain and pus and greenness (which is good because I take that as a sign that the warts are dying). 

I've also started feeling better about myself, physically and sexually. I had a wank into the bathroom skin, where I could see myself in the mirror. And I didn't feel too bad about this. Normally I avoid mirrors when I'm doing sex things, but I don't know, I kind of enjoyed it? It didn't feel bad seeing myself like that. There's stuff I'd like to try and change (which overeating didn't help), but rather than thinking I have to put sex off until I do, I've gotten more to a point when I think it's fine even if I'm not exactly where I want to be. 

Part of this, if I had to get armchair psychologist on the matter, might be down to the porn I've been watching. A lot of it (most of it) has been by a British company called Triga. They focus on working class men, using rough and a lot of times with some kind of delinquency theme (they're hooligans or louts or petty criminals) or sports. A lot of that doesn't appeal to me, I've not got any particular fetish for chavs or scallies or the like. Rugby themed stuff does but more for the body type you get with rugby players. But body type is what I think I've found appealing. They tend to feature 'regular blokes' who aren't necessarily in perfect shape. 

While perfect shape is nice once in a while, it also kind of feels a bit alienating. Seeing nothing but guys with hard muscles and low body fat and looking like they should be modelling somewhere. But a lot of the guys in Triga films look a lot more like people you might just on the street. They don't necessarily have movie star looks. Some of them are carrying a bit of extra weight. And I just found it more relatable than a lot of other porn, which is different than just finding something hot. Seeing guys who look more like me enjoying sex, I think, helped a bit in making me feel more comfortable in myself sexually. Not necessarily going to go out and have gangbangs with a bunch of chavs who piss and spit on me (although I did like the look of being in the middle of one minus those elements), but it's a feeling I hope I can hold on to. 

***

Looking at all I've written, I guess 'what I could say' was a lot more than I thought. 

Now I'm off to jack off again (third time today) because I've made myself horny again. 

Last Day

Just finished putting the final (possibly) application of the wart cream on. I have an appointment to go back to the clinic on Thursday (stupidly I accepted the first offer and have to be there at 9am—not a good time for someone who has trouble maintaining a regular sleep routine). 

The cream has worked well. The two major areas, the large growth on the head of the penis and the stripe on the foreskin, have decreased in size. The stripe less so, but there is still time. Learnt a few things. I thought warts were solid and smooth, rather than squiggly and sponge-like. Putting the cream on with a cotton bud/q-tip makes it easier to pin point where the cream goes (then I have to roll my foreskin back over it and it ends up spreading anyway). The government are tossers for not approving HPV vaccines for men, even just men who don't have sexual contact with women and thus don't get whatever magical benefit is supposed to arise from that. I might not get cervical cancer from having this, but it's been like 6 months of pain and irritation. 

Now that the warts have reduced in size, freezing them might be an option again. It's mean to be better for smaller warts, and it is only mildly uncomfortable for a short while. Unlike the cream that causes painful immune reactions on any healthy skin it touches, and happens to be touching some of the most sensitive skin on my body. I welcome getting my crotch frozen at this point. 

Have a sex drive again too, which was lacking before. It's not exactly been great having it back. I should have learnt another thing, that wanking might feel nice now but just leads to pain afterwards. But its return is good for other reasons (not being too depressed to have an interest in sex, etc.) even if I'm not quite ready to do anything about it. 

Not ready, but I would like to. I could probably work something out. One of those "you don't touch me, I just suck you off" deals where I get to keep my clothes on. Getting fucked while mostly dressed with the top not messing around with my junk. I would settle for making out and over-the-clothes petting and groping (and maybe some of the first idea). I just wouldn't want to get into explanations about why my clothes are staying on. 

But if someone is offering to suck your dick without anything in return, are there going to be that many men who push the issue? It was my understanding that men generally liked that arrangement. 

(While I haven't been the biggest fan of receiving oral so far in my life, I wouldn't mind that as long as I got to kiss as well. But that's basically my stance for anything remotely sexual, and even not very sexual. I just like making out and I miss it after half a year without.)

Status Update

Spent about 5 minutes stood over the sink watching blood pouring from the largest of the warts after washing it. I'm not bothered about the sight of a lot of blood, and am more happy to see that it's gradually falling apart. But continual bleeding is an inconvenience, so I'm hoping it won't keep doing that.

There are two small patches that have gone sore and blistered. So I will stop using it on the smaller warts until it clears. If it isn't better by Thursday then I might go to the GUM clinic again to get it checked out first before using it on the rest.

In the meantime, it itches all the time and I keep thinking it might start bleeding if the foreskin rubs it too much.

I have managed to have a wank for the first time in a while. Don't know if that was such a good idea all things considered, but it was nice at the time. Except now I want to do it again but really can't right now.

Last night I saw bits of the biggest wart peeling off as I washed it and thought to myself, "fuck, yes!" Normally seeing scales of your flesh coming off your body, and especially an area like that, would be a worrying sight. But after months of watching my dick mutating into a sexually-unusable eyesore, seeing flakes of this bastard disappearing is fine by me. One of the smaller ones has lost most of its mass in the middle, it's just a few bumps around the edge now. Which means that something is working. I'm not really sure if that's a common thing with warts. I've never even had one anywhere else on my body. Got a brilliant spot for my first time. 

I hope and pray almost every spare minute that this treatment will be the one to end it. It stings when I pee because of the piss touching the foreskin, which had gotten really sore just where it would hurt the most when I pee. I could retract my foreskin, but that hurts to. Walking hurts because my cock rubs against my clothes. If I turn onto my stomach while trying to sleep, that hurts too. Sometimes just sitting down starts to hurt and I don't know why. Getting a random erection? Hurts as well. Forget using it to do anything sexual, which is simply a masochistic exercise in seeing how much pain I can endure. So it's no fun these days. 

I wish I was back in the days when the only thing stopping me from having sex was a crippling shyness and poor self esteem. At least I could pee without pain back then. 

Now I'm going to put on today's and hope for miraculous recovery, or failing that a bit less pain and discomfort. 

5 months later, I'm still dealing with these warts. I've started on the cream (Aldara) again, which is starting to hurt again. I don't think I've been using too much this time, but then maybe it's just because I have a lot of areas to treat now. It ends up going on the interior foreskin afterwards, which is bad since that's sensitive. I use it on Thursday, Saturday, and Monday nights so I'm on my two day break right now. I'm hoping it will stop hurting by tomorrow.

Can't even remember the last time I had a wank, because mostly it is just painful and wanking is basically like scratching it. Which I assume isn't helpful (is it ever?), but sometimes it's difficult not to.

I am finding it remarkably easy avoiding situations that might lead to someone wanting to have sex with me, but that has come at the expense of not trying to meet any new and skipping social events. Most of which involve spending the whole night out, which I'm just not feeling like right now. Being reclusive isn't good, but I can use the time to get some work done or accomplish other things. I need to lose weight to be able to fit into my suit for job interviews, for one thing. Which would have the added benefit of losing weight and thus being more attractive in the eyes of wider society.

I went to the GUM clinic last Monday and got the all clear to start using this wart cream again, but it wasn't until Friday that I actually did. Right amount this time, although I almost absentmindedly put a second coat on. It's been itching since then, which I'm hoping is a sign it is working again. Because there are more there now. For something that is meant to clear up on its own, it's just doing the exact opposite. 

Being in a bit of a slump lately. Not felt like doing much, missed a bunch of things, delayed stuff I should have done earlier (like using the cream again). Not answered phone calls or emails. Not done a whole lot of anything, to be honest. 

I'm lying awake in bed, at 7 in the morning unable to sleep, glancing at a shelf I started tidying about two weeks ago. It's not been touched since. It's a pretty fitting metaphor for how I'm feeling about life right now. A mess of things that need either sorting out or throwing out that I have procrastinated on doing anything about. 

I've reconsidered the idea of getting back on things like Scruff. I'm not sure I really want that business in my life at the moment. I think I'd rather work on some other personal stuff first. (Also there are still lumps growing on my penis, so I'm not feeling all that attractive right now.)

I did make some efforts to get things done. I made some phone calls I needed to make, only to find out both people were on leave at the same time. I went out a few weekends back after not getting out much. The night was okay at the end, but it started awkwardly. The plan was to have a sort of picnic/BBQ in a park. Which lead to sitting on the grass while other people spoke.

"You're so quiet."

If I had a dollar (or more usefully a pound) for every time this has been said to me, I would be in a lot better state financially than I am now. I would have gotten a fair bit of money that afternoon alone. I know that I am too quiet in big social events. There were about 9 people there that day, three I hadn't met before and a few I knew casually, and four I knew better. But one of those was T.N. who I find hard to talk to no matter the situation, so that wasn't much help for me. And being in such a big group, I tend not to participate much. I sit back and listen. I think too much about what I might want to say, then too much time has passed and I think that I can't say it now. I did try, mind you, on a couple of occasions. But it didn't necessarily work out how I'd hoped. (Talked over, not making myself heard, etc.)

But there were a couple of times when people got up and moved about. Which at one point, left me sitting alone. Something I have noticed about myself is that in unfamiliar surroundings or situations where I might be feeling nervous or anxious, I keep myself glued to one spot. 

When I stayed the night at one of T.S.'s friend's flat, I spent that morning and afternoon sat on the sofa until everyone moved to another room. When I saw him again months later and spent the night at his house, I did the same thing again. I slept with a couple and stayed the night and most of the next day there (I can't remember if I wrote about them specifically, though I did mention this session briefly here, so not sure if they have a little code; I guess I will go with M&V), but I stayed parked on the sofa the whole entire time. Because the thought of getting up and interacting made me feel too anxious to do anything. I think that I'll just be in the way, or not wanted around, or not know what to say and end up standing there in silence. So I stick to one spot, and if they want to speak to me or something then they know where to find me. Which doesn't help to not feel anxious, it just makes it worse. Because then I just get to thinking about how I should be integrating with people and not sitting alone, and that's only going to increase the anxiety. 

Which is what happened that day in the park, which is when I got the 'quiet' comment (and a couple of other jokey 'will you let me speak, you never stop talking' ones throughout the day). As soon as someone says that, it just makes it harder to not be quiet. It's pretty counterproductive, at least in my experience, when it's a personal characteristic to be that way and not a situational thing like having a bad day. I don't know what it is that stops me. I looked around and wanted to participate in things, but I couldn't. I guess inside I worry about not being welcome or fitting in. So I end up basically waiting for 'permission' to join, which to other people will probably just look like sitting on your own and not wanting to be a part of the group. 

Sitting around people who seemed to have no problem with socialising only served to highlight all the things I don't like about myself in these situations. 

One of the new faces in this group, who I didn't interact with at all (which I'm not upset about, speaking frankly), was someone T.N. had brought. He had been sending people messages, myself included, talking about having found a boyfriend. Apparently he was referring to this guy he'd invited along. I don't personally see the appeal in him. He's not my type, but then again I've slept with people like that before out of sheer spineless inability to get out of it. Though if you're using words like 'boyfriend' I assume it isn't the same deal. But then later on in the day after someone told him this guy was pretty promiscuous T.N. just said it was 'a bit of fun'. Two of the things I dislike about T.N. (once I start thinking there are a dozen or two annoyances that spring to mind) are the way he isn't clear about what he is trying to say, and the way he places too much meaning on things too soon. Like he did when I slept with him while drunk, and then he is talking about being boyfriends and soul mates the next morning. Or months later, saying he wants me to be his boyfriend again. As if I were ever that in the first place. 

(It's definitely something about him, though. When T.S. introduced me as the 'guy [he] was seeing' after only a week, that felt nice. I felt good about that. But there were things I liked about him. I honestly don't know what about T.N. I could say I like, because I can't think of much. Nothing superficial like looks, his dick is kind of big but I don't really care about that, he doesn't really talk about anything I find very interesting, no charismatic personality traits.'Acquaintance' is the furthest I'd put him now, and definitely nowhere near nor wanting him anywhere near 'boyfriend'.)

***

It was August 19th when I wrote the above, seemingly unfinished. In the time that has passed I finished with what I had left of the cream, which did work. Only now, after a few weeks without it, everything is back to how it was. So much for clearing up on its own. If I can rouse myself at a reasonable time tomorrow morning I am going to have to go back for a fourth time to get this looked at. This is really starting to do my head in now.

I've been making more effort, although a lot out of obligation, to be more active and not sulk around the house. Spent a week house sitting for my dad, which drilled home the idea that it's my current living arrangements causing a lot of stress for me. Back at school, which helps since while I'm not working having the summer off doesn't do me much good. I need something to force me to leave the house, at least as I am now. Skipped a number of social events, but went out this weekend. Not gotten back on Scruff or anything, but I did at least look at it once. That's a start. That shelf is looking a bit tidier now, too. 

Haven't seen T.N. for a while, so I'm happy about that. Used to seem him at a weekly group thing, but I can't attend that now with college. (So no more having him walking with me to my bus stop and trying to get me to have a pint with him, thank God.) He tried to get me to meet up with him while he was near my neighbourhood for a drink, but I lied and said I was studying (I should have been, but I wasn't). He started a new job but was fired by the end of the first day. When he was trying to convince me that I should give him another chance being more stable (having lost his previous job last year when things went down) was one of the points he used to convince me. He didn't have a job at that time either, and losing one on your first day doesn't scream 'stability' in my view. 

But maybe I've just got a lot of pent up resentment towards him now and every little thing annoys me ten-fold. But then he's literally stalked me, yet acts like nothing is wrong about that. Not that he admits it, he seems to have a convenient tendency to 'forget' things like how he knows my address or that he used my old surname hours before (I changed it when I was about 22-3 but never told him what it used to be). 

I have got myself too much involved with other people that I will not be able to get rid of him without breaking things off with all these people who I actually like, or moving somewhere different. Next time I am making efforts, I should include letting some of those other people know that I'd rather not be put in situations where I'm alone with him and hope for a bit of understanding (I can count on at least one getting it since he knows the most about this).