Lost Time

It's 1am here, and I'm still in bed. Still in bed because I have spent all of Sunday here. I've found myself stuck in a cycle of getting up in the evening everyday, and I need to be at the hospital in the morning on Tuesday for my appointment. So the plan was to stay here in bed, falling back to sleep if I woke up, until the morning when I would get out of bed and lead a regular person's day. But for the past hour I've been awake and unable to get back to sleep. Will getting up now be enough to get me into an appropriate sleep cycle to make my appointment? Or did I just lose a whole day in vain?

A lost day would fit right in with the rest of my life right now, though. 

Sometimes I think back on the years I lost in my teens to early twenties, where I lived the life of a recluse for the most part. All the opportunities I missed. The years I missed where I had the gay commodity of youth. I started putting myself out there at my mid-twenties, so I only got the cusp of that. And I was hardly the svelte twink or toned jock that seems to be the image of youth. While I regret the wasted time, I'm also not too downbeat about it. Most of the men I was attracted were older anyway. I can only hope that these older guys would be interested now that I'm getting to be older as well. 

More recently, as has been the topic of this blog for the past dozen posts, it's been the time lost due to sexual health or lack thereof. It's been almost a year out of my life now, and a year where I was starting to do a bit better. Not perfect, but better. Which has been pretty much shot down now. It's going to be a process of rebuilding that, or else wallowing some more. I think I've spent enough of my life wallowing, I don't need any more. 

Part of rebuilding will involve getting more social again. Try to reconnect with people I have neglected, and to get out and meet new people. About two weeks ago was the first time I had been out in months, and one thing that I learnt (again) was that it's hard to make a good impression if you've got nothing to talk about. Doing something with your life helps make you a more interesting person. 

While lying here in bed I have been thinking about getting back on websites or apps. Sometimes I get bored of them and wonder that the point is, think of the disappointments and the weirdos, but I also miss it a bit now. The banter and conversation, and the little ego boost when someone calls you hot. The downside here is that despite anything they might say to the contrary, these are mainly about having sex and that's off the cards for now. 

But I've still considered it, even with the outcome of sex. I've started to want that outcome. Constructed in a way as to avoid certain things. It wouldn't involve me getting off (but looking back, that isn't much of a change). It would be more about servicing a guy and denying myself the same. I get to suck a bloke off, he gets sucked off, job done. Maybe even getting fucked, in a 'clothes on, just get my arse out and fuck me' sort of way. Which I've never done before, and the idea does turn me on. What's the name for this scenario, just basically being used for someone else's pleasure? Dom/sub? Slave? I don't know my terminology as well as I thought. 

I took a look on Craigslist, which seems to have started getting a bit more active here, to see if there was anyone looking for this kind of stuff. Didn't see anyone, and the one guy putting up a bunch of posts looking for young lads to take a shit for him kind of drove me away. 

So I don't know what to do about this, and now I'm too horny and too hungry (it's nearly a day since I've eaten) to get back to sleep. 

Maybe I will take the plunge and get what messages I've gotten. But I think I'm going to be too anxious to actually reply if I did.