I'd been messaging G.M. for a couple of weeks before arranging anything. I couldn't make the time up until lately. Arranged to meet up on a Saturday morning. Over the course of our sporadic messages, another guy came into the picture. What had been the two of us was now a threesome. G.M. talked about how he bets this guy he'd hooked up with before could take two cocks at once. It's been a while since I really slept with anyone, and I was letting my cock do the thinking more than anything.

I was anxious as I made my way towards the hotel early on a Saturday morning. Perhaps a degree more nervous than I have normally been in the past. I think a lot of events both recent and from the past year have taken a toll on me and changed me but not necessarily all for the better. I hadn't had much contact with G.M. before hand, and wasn't sure if I had seen a face picture of him or not. Someone had sent one, but I couldn't remember if it was him or another guy. Turns out it was another guy.

He asked at one point if I was disappointed with what I saw. I wasn't really. He was about my height, older than me but I can't remember his exact age (late 30's to 40's), average body with a bit of grey in his hair and blue eyes. His eyes were nice. I was pretty happy with what I'd got.

The first ten minutes or so were spend sitting across the room from each other drinking coffee. That first part is always a bit of a mystery to do. We're here for a specific purpose, a shared reason. But is it appropriate to just waltz right up to this guy you've met in person about a minute ago and start touching him? How long do you wait? In the past, it's not usually been that much of a wait. Coat and shoes off, and that was it. This was a rather nice change.

But after a bit of a chat and finishing off the coffee we sat on the bed and started making out. The other guy wasn't going to be there for another 20-odd minutes, and he wanted to spend the time kissing. I wasn't about to complain, although after the fact I might have had a few. My mouth was tired after a while, and he had stubble just coming in which ended up cutting my lip a bit afterwards. He took a bit of a break to check up with the guy who was meant to be there soon.

He was lying on his back sending a message to the other guy, while I was sitting straddled on his crotch, rubbing my hand on his chest. I enjoyed this part the most, if I'm honest. I can't really put my figure on exactly what about it I like so much. Perhaps it was just that it was a bit of physical affection that was a slight bit more mundane and quiet than sex. Sex is great and all, but occasionally the little things are nice.

I started licking and gently biting at his nipples once he'd finished his message. I got a fair bit of praise for that and the kissing. Moved along to his armpits for a bit. Pits might be something I'd like to explore more in the future. I've always had a bit of thing for them. After this he was on top of me, sitting over my chest with his cock in my face. I sucked him off a bit while waiting for the other guy. It wasn't too long before that moment arrived. G.M. kept saying he'd be happy to just carry on alone, but he did go and fetch the third guy.

He was more the 'straight to business' type. No talk and coffee, he was getting undressed the moment the door was closed. G.M. followed suit and I tried to keep up. I did feel a lot more comfortable than I have in the past with getting undressed. I don't know what had changed. I'm not in any better shape, probably in worse shape than I have been. I don't think I've gone through any positive mental shifts. But I was more at ease.

Other Guy was soon on his knees sucking G.M.'s cock, then my cock, and then both at once. That's something that sounds like it'd be hot, but I could feel his teeth a bit too much. Don't know if that's down the mechanics of having two cocks in your mouth or if it was just a flaw in his technique. But when he was just blowing me, it was good. I haven't enjoyed oral that much in the past but I think I'm growing more fond of it. Maybe feeling more comfortable helped out. G.M. was kissing me while I was getting the blow job, and his hand was rubbing my arse. After a while G.M. switched places with Other Guy and I made out with him for a bit.

Then he said he'd like to see G.M. fuck me. I hadn't come here expecting to fuck, hadn't really got myself ready for it or anything. But I agreed, I did kind of want it anyway. I got face down on the bed, G.M. got a condom and some lube, and pushed into me. But it just hurt, so I said that wasn't going to happen today. As I went to the bathroom to get the lube off me I could hear G.M. say "I told you he was a top!" I hadn't said that, but that was going to be the arrangement for the day.

By the time I came out the bathroom Other Guy was sitting on G.M.'s dick. I moved over to the side of them and kissed G.M., before standing on the bed so Other Guy could suck my cock while he was getting fucked. I also blew him while G.M. was ramming into him. There was a point when I wasn't that bothered about the prospect of threesomes any longer, but after this--coincidentally my third group experience--I am more up for it again. If I can work on myself and feel more at ease, I think I would really enjoy the experience. I kind of wish this whole session had lasted longer.

Other Guy jerked himself off and blew his load onto G.M.'s stomach, and G.M. came as he fucked. I didn't come that morning. Other Guy blew me for a bit, and G.M. wanked me off, but it wasn't happening. Other Guy soon got himself ready to leave, and was out of the door. Strictly business. When he'd gone G.M. mentioned that he didn't like it when guys just leave, but it was getting close to check-out time. I quite like hotel room sex. Being in a hotel. But on the morning of check-out, not so much. I like to have a bit of time afterwards to bask a little.

G.M. asked me what I thought of the Other Guy. "Don't worry, I don't really know him, you can be honest." I mentioned that I could taste cigarette smoke on him, which is a turn off for me. G.M. said he said on his profile that he didn't smoke, but obviously he did. And he had some body odour, like he hadn't washed beforehand. G.M. apologised for the failed attempt to fuck me, said Other Guy was being cheeky and trying it on. He'd already been told I was a top but still pushed his luck. Next time, G.M. said, it'd just be the two of us. Some time at the beginning of March. I'm looking forward to it.

Think I will be change my online profile from versatile to active/versatile, though. I've felt more like being a top lately, and bottoming again will need a bit of prep and work.

Running Up That Hill

There's going to be a trial study here in the UK (I think it actually started last year) for the PrEP treatment, where you take anti-retroviral medication (Truvada) to reduce the chances of HIV transmission. Not that I will be taking part. I didn't like Truvada when I had to take it as part of PEP, though maybe that was due to the other meds as well. And I don't meet the criteria of having had unprotected anal sex in the last three months, and were likely to do the same again in the future. I'm not about to run out and fuck someone just so I can take part in a medical study.

I thought back on P.G. saying we didn't need to use condoms if we fucked, and there was a part of me that in retrospect just thought "yeah, why not?" I know why not. It's not like these are just reasons I'm told I should have, merely messages received from others. It's things I believe myself. Things that I want for myself.

That idea of "why not?" might be more down to apathy and weariness. That after it seeming like this is what everyone else is doing, there's no point fighting it. That my choices are either celibacy or putting myself at that risk when sleeping around.

Which is stupid. I know logically that's not the only way. There's still plenty of people who are sleeping around and not barebacking. It's a case of standing up for my right to have sex how I want it. But as I've written in the past, I don't always hold my ground.

I wish I had it in me to just stop things then and there the second any bloke mentions fucking raw. Maybe I'm not in the right state mentally at the moment to be negotiating these things. These past couple of weeks have been a bit shit for me.

But stepping back and thinking more reasonably about that, why don't I have it in me? What stops me?

It's something I've spent a fair bit of today thinking about, though mostly relating to other things. The best answer I can reach so far is that it's because that is how I've lived my life up until now. Really, there's nothing that's technically stopping me from changing completely, except that I wouldn't have the model of experience to base my behaviour on that I do if I were to keep doing what I've always done. Which makes this inability all the worse. How hard is it to say 'sorry, not interested'? And online, with all the means to block someone if they don't take it well?

In other situations (say taking the effort to message someone and not getting a response) there's an element of rejection and disappointment that can be off-putting. But in the case of a guy who's trying to take things in a direction I don't want to go in, I'm already disappointed. It's not like there is any more negative outcomes from saying no, as opposed to going along with something contrary to what I want to be doing.

It's obviously a lot easier to say these things than it is to actually do it and change yourself completely. But as a start, that is what I will try to do. Next time someone starts suggesting something I don't want, to just say straight out that I'm not interested. No trying to soften it with 'I'm not sure about that' or 'I'm not keen on this' but to just say clear and simple that I don't want it.

Online things have slowed down lately, I'm not really getting much from anything. Not sure when I will get the chance to put this into practice next, but I am going to keep it in mind until the opportunity arises.

This 'getting back on the horse' thing is kind of turning into more trouble that it's possibly worth.

Not to say I've not had much luck or anything. The opposite, really. A bit too much luck. I met up with two guys yesterday for coffee/a drink. Meeting someone else on Saturday. I've got someone else who wants to meet up in a couple of weeks (can't make it the next two). Others who might be interested. Some how sound really interested.

But then there is the guy I'm going to see tomorrow. If I've wrote about letting people lead me into things I might not wanted to have done or been interested in, this guy is a good example of that. He wants me not to wash my cock for him, because he gets off on that. Which is not something I like much. Wants to be pissed on. Again, not my cup of tea. Wanted to fuck me raw, which I have said I'm not up for. But I still have the anxiety that he's going to try his luck anyway. I'm not too keen on the whole meeting now, honestly. For one the weather is really bad here and there doesn't seem to be much in the way of transport links to where he lives (a place I've never been to and don't know at all). Getting back home might be a real hassle, I am wishing I had gone with the other guy who wanted to meet tomorrow now since he's in an easily accessed location. Don't know if he'd want to fuck bareback as well. I need to get into the habit/grow the spine to ask this question straight out. (I was planning on asking directly if he was planning on using a condom, but he got there first by answering my question about what he wanted to do with 'fucking [me] raw'.)  There is a lot of snow forecast for tomorrow, so I'm hoping it's a good excuse to cancel.

Then there is another guy, who I don't have definite plans to meet up with yet. He's got a thing about kidnapping roleplay. While not quite to the level of Friday's guy, it's more things that I don't really have an interest in. But I play along for him. And I don't know how to feel about this. About doing all these things I don't care about for people I don't know well. Is this a problem, something I should try to change?

Resolutions

Someone sent me a message online asking me what my resolutions for the new year were. I gave a trite (but still true) answer that's probably left the mouths of billions of similarly uncreative people (I couldn't even find a creative post title). Really, I hadn't thought of any. But I have a couple now, relating to the theme of this blog.

#1
A guy sent me a woof on Scruff earlier. I'd seen him online before, but never actually looked at his profile or anything. Not because I didn't like the look of him or anything. But because I thought he was too attractive for me. He's out of my league. He was the one who showed an interest in me, but I am still not sure how I'm supposed to respond. I'm not sure what is going on there.

I wrote about taking compliments before. I'm still not quite where I want to be. I am better now than I was in the past. Other people have said I was hot and it didn't trouble me, I enjoyed it and responded in kind. And not because I thought they were 'in my league'--as in not very attractive--but I was just better at accepting it those times. There's more of those times lately.  So the first resolution will be to keep trying to accept nice things people say without questioning it.

#2
Speaking of people out of my league, there was a guy I was chatting to before Christmas. Initiated by him again, only this time we had spoken before on a different site. He didn't remember, though. He might have been the most handsome guy to show an interest in me ever. Not to say others haven't been attractive or anything, but in terms of type and everything he would be number one. And less superficially, he seemed like an interesting guy and someone I'd like to get to know a bit more.

Yet I've not heard a word from him since. I've sent a couple of messages but gotten no reply. So I have basically 'given up' on him. I don't want to be sending him a load of messages if he isn't interested. Heathcliff told me, I should try to look at the language I use when talking about things. Things like saying 'giving up' or 'I hope' might not be helpful ways to look at things. Instead try not putting judgements like 'I hope this leads to...' and just be more open, 'I wonder where this might go' or such.

Second resolution, not to put big expectations on things early on. I say I don't, but I sort of do. So try to put a stop to that.

#3-4
As with the handsome guy above, there have been plenty others (actually all others pretty much) who seem to be keen and enthusiastic and then suddenly it's as silent as the grave. I know the online world is a flaky place to try to meet people, but surely enough is enough. Maybe this is common and I just haven't experienced enough to realise. But there's the temptation to take it to mean that I must not be that interesting, or attractive, or whatever the fault is. Place all the blame on myself, and not the other person having any responsibility for it.

But even when I do meet up, it usually lasts for two meetings and then it falls apart. And it's easy--for me at least--to think that it must be something I've done, or just something about me, or just me as a whole. And a lot of time I will start going over the situations, while it is still going on, and look at every little detail for clues that it is a disaster. There's little chance of things going well, if you spend all your time thinking about how it's going terribly.

So double resolutions. Third, don't get so hung up on things not leading anywhere and getting really disappointed over it. These things happen, you move on. Easier said than done, but it's what you have to do.

And forth, don't be sitting around picking things apart mentally for signs of something going wrong. Be in the moment and enjoy what's happening (or not, but still be focused on what's going on outside).

#5
A lot of issues about not thinking I'm good enough probably stem from insecurities about how I look. Too much hair on my body, lately not enough hair on my head. I weigh too much, I'm not tall enough, my dick isn't big enough. Some stuff I can change, some I can't. But I think resolution five ought to be learning to accept and like myself more. Doesn't mean I shouldn't try to change the things I can, but accept that even if I haven't achieved those goals yet I still have the right to like myself with imperfections.

#6
To wrap it up short and simple, number six is to be clear about what I want. Not letting people force me into situations I don't want to be in, or to do things I don't want to do. To look out for myself and my interests, my desires and well-being.

I ended up meeting up with Pushy Guy (who I guess has earned a proper designation now, so P.G. it is from now on) last night.

No hotel or anything like that. I was on my way home, and he sent me a message asking what I was up to. "Meet me," he said. Pushy as ever. I'd talked with Heathcliff earlier on, about what had happened. At that point, I was over it. He'd called me that morning, despite the dismal failure of a call during the night. Morning call didn't go very well, since I couldn't understand what he was saying. He didn't send me a message afterwards, so I figured he had given up. That he was looking for a fuck and abandoned hope of getting any from me.

For a couple of moments I didn't know what to do. I told Heathcliff that I would be happy to not hear from him again. But instead, I asked where he wanted to meet. He suggested a park nearby. Neither of us had any accommodation to go to.  I have passed this park hundreds of times, but never been into it. Never had reason to. So I'm walking down this familiar road, wondering if this is the right choice. Thoughts turning again to some tragic outcome like I get there and there's a whole gang of men there. My knee has been acting up lately, so I'm not very confident about outrunning anyone. So obviously, happy thoughts.

But as I'm walking down a hill towards the park, I see a guy walking up the street on the opposite side. Then he crosses, and it's him. It's dark by now so it's not like I can get a good look at his face in person. Then he says he has a spliff and asks if I want some, which I decline. I have never actually tried non-prescription drugs beyond alcohol. I'm personally not that bothered about trying them, and the main reason I've ever considered it is that it seems like everyone else casually uses them. So I'm walking behind him on this narrow path to an entrance to the park, wondering if the reason I could never make him out over the phone was that he's been high at the time.

A couple of steps into the park and he asks if he's going to get a kiss. I has been ages since I have even kissed anyone, so put my hand around the back of his neck and kissed him there and then. The taste of weed didn't do much to enhance the mood. Smoking in general (tobacco or anything else) is firmly going on my list of turn-offs. But I soldiered on. He also got his cheeky feel, and I got a few of my own. We walked through the park, stopping intermittently to kiss and feel each other up. He pulled down his pants at the back to reveal his arse. I was a bit cautious about where he was going with that, but still went along with it and felt him up.

It was a long walk to a suitable bench. He would stop every now and then to look around, see if anyone was around. Cocks had been pulled out before reaching it. At one point I was walking in front pulling him along by his dick. There's not many opportunities to do that in the middle of a park at night, so might as well give it a go? In addition to holding his cock, I also got to hold his hand a couple of times. I think he last time I got to hold a guy's hand was when I last saw T.S., which was a while ago now. It's something I missed, the little bits of physical intimacy.

At last we got to this bench he was leading us to. He sat down, and I wondered whether to sit next to him or not. In the end I put my hands on his face and kissed him again. He started wanking me off, and himself at the same time. Made me feel a little lazy that I wasn't doing anything. He stood up, we switched places and I took his cock into my mouth. I always try to get it in as far as I can to see how deep I can get it. Managed to get pretty much to the base. I think I need to work on doing more head movements, maybe I've gotten rusty after all these months. At that point his cap blew off the top of his head and he had to run after it. It was kind of cute watching him run after it. I got up to meet him on his way back, and he eventually got on his knees to suck me off a bit. Definitely put me to shame in terms of head movements, he was really going for it. He got off his knees after about a minute or two, and came back up to kiss.

"Bet you wish you'd gotten a hotel room now," he said.

Wouldn't quite go that far, but it wasn't going too bad. The smell of pot on his breath had lessened by this point. He was wanking himself again, I had my hand feeling his balls and arse. Around this point he said he was going to come. I got back on the bench, and as he was jerking himself off licked the tip of his dick. He started moaning more and I put his cock in my mouth as he came. I wasn't really sure whether to do that or not, but it was better than getting spunk all over my coat or on this public bench, I suppose? So he came, I swallowed it, and kissed him again.

Then he started getting ready to go home. The cheeky sod wasn't even planning on finishing me off now he'd done. I'm not really bitter about it, as much as I'm used to it by now. I'd had a wank that morning when I thought nothing was going to happen anyway. But I still wanted to come again.

Another walk along the winding path out of the park, and another spliff for him. I told him to show me his whole arse, rather than just the top of it he had shown before. I have to admit that he does have a very nice arse on him. Had a bit more of a feel but he stopped it getting much further. When we went our separate way I kissed him again, scent of weed freshly renewed and still as unpleasant. Said he would message me later (I think that's what he said), but I've not heard from him. Unless he wanted me to message him, in which case. Oops.

Not heard from him today, but still relatively early here. Maybe I should make the first move, but I'm not sure where I want this to go. If it goes anywhere.

Mobile: pushing limits

Well, Pushy Guy just said that he doesn't think we'd need a condom when we fuck tomorrow (the plans escalated to getting a hotel room). That it'd be hot for me to come over his arse. Gone from a date and a cuddle to fucking him bareback in a matter of hours.

It is a question I have come to dread now, do you bareback or not? To make sweeping generalisations here, no pictures and few details on their profile = higher chance of wanting to bareback? In my humble experience that seems to be the case, compared with profiles of guys I've met who had a fuller profile.

And yet for a minute, I found myself considering it. I'd be fucking him in this plan so it's safer, statistically. I know I'm fine so it's no like I'm passing anything on. Maybe it would be no big deal.

But then I think back to last year. To all the trouble and misery it caused me last time, and the realisations I reached. How I'd have to look after myself from now on. Well, this is the time to step up. To make it clear what I want and not be talked into something I don't really want to do.

But instead I have strung him along and asked when he was last tested. It's been 25 minutes since he logged on. Guess the possible implication that I think he's got something isn't much of a turn on and a conversation killer. But this is being responsible, isn't it? If he's not happy with that it's best it all breakdown and end now sooner rather than later. Like when I had already booked a room.

Coming over his arse would be hot. Not going to lie, I'm sure it would be nice. But I'm not really willing to put myself through everything I went through again for someone I've known for a few hours again. It is easier to not worry, just say fuck it and do whatever. But I don't really want to make that compromise. I want to do what's right for me.

Writing this has help me a bit, cleared my head and my thoughts. Maybe this app blogging will be handy. Even if it does mean posting lots of little episodic posts like this.

Mobile: pushy men

Trying out this mobile app out, thinking maybe trying out shorter little posts instead of waiting to write a longer one. New year, new things.

I'm chatting with this guy right now (literally) who, to be honest, is rather pushy. He contacted me online with one of those 'mostly empty' profiles. To his credit he did send a face picture in his initial message. But after giving him my number (to use WhatsApp, which I just got but is interesting so far), he started with the pushy stuff.

Within a couple of minutes he was on about coming down to mine. Then to a local park when I said my house wasn't viable. He wanted a cuddle, he said. Then it became a kiss. Not long after he was on about me sucking his cock. This is some quick progression for a guy whose initial message talked about a date. Then he rung me up. It is 1am here and I'm in a full house, so it's a little awkward to be talking to a stranger. Call ended in disappointment for him, but I don't know what he was expecting. When I asked him he said he wasn't into phone sex. Which was a relief because I don't care for it either.

Have tentative plans to meet him tomorrow after I've finished with an appointment. When asked about his intentions he said kissing and a 'cheeky feel'. Fair dues, I've been feeling the need for a bit if that lately. Not sure where this might take place, given that it will be in a public area near a busy shopping centre. Still working the details of this out.

It really isn't the relaxing prelude to sleep I was hoping for when I went to bed tonight. Pushy as he can be, I'm kind of looking forward to doing something.

And now I've just thought, what if he's a murderer and that's why he is so eager. And my last written record on Earth will be an anonymous sex blog.

But bless him, he does seem a little dim at times. And now he wants me to fuck him in a woods.