I've never once been to a gay bar, or any other gay-oriented venue, in my life.
M.N., a guy nearby who I've been with a couple of times, said I'd probably be 'eaten alive' at one by bitchy queens. Admittedly, bitchy queens are a demographic I would much rather avoid. I will make the occasional catty remark, but not to a person's face and in general I try to keep civil. What's the point in spoiling someone else's evening for no real reason? I think he was probably referring to me being overly quiet and reserved. And at the risk of 'mind reading' (which I am trying to severely cut back on), maybe that came across as weak-willed and not likely to put up much of a fight to him. I don't speak up enough, but that's because I'm not happy with my voice and have yet to work on it.
I know where a couple of gay venues are in this town. One is a 'straight friendly' one, the other more traditionally gay. The straight friendly one, from the photos they have online, seems pretty much like a straight club right down to the photos of men and women feeling each other up. I don't know much about the other yet, other than it's open during the day as a bar and I am now liable to run into someone I know there. I've only had a relatively short gay career so far, about 2 years at the most. So I don't know that many people. I might be more likely to spot or be spotted by someone who has seen my profile online.
But this is where the trouble starts. Do I want to wait for someone to invite me there and actually follow through on their offer? Or do I just go alone? I have actually never been to a nightclub in my life either. Just never really cared for the idea. Sensitive to loud noises, you see. Music blasted out at high volume just makes me feel stressed and spoils my mood. Even people with the TV too loud winds me up. But having never been, I don't know what the standard audio level for clubs is. Maybe it's just right. (It's going to depend on the club, obviously. Some care more than others.)
Drugs is another. This is possibly a naive view, with a bit too much influence from fearmongering public campaigns about the dangers of drugs in nightclubs. But it's just not something I am interested in trying, at least not in a venue like that. And maybe it is just the old fearful part of me trying to put me off going. Excluding 'date rape' type scenarios, I doubt anyone would be pushing drugs down the necks of random strangers who aren't paying for them. A simple "no, cheers" would be enough to put an end to the situation, surely.
But I guess the biggest, especially for someone anxious about social events, is the 'going alone' part. I can see the benefits of it. If by some stroke of luck I happen to pull, I'm not going to be leaving anyone in the lurch by going home with the guy. But I can see a lot of downsides and potential pitfalls to it.
1) What are people going to think of me, all on my own like that? Is it going to look like I am just trawling for sex? Do people who go to clubs alone look like weirdos and freaks?
2) If I go there alone, then what? If there's no one I know, I am going to be in a room surrounded by strangers. Am I supposed to go up to a random people and try to start up a conversation? I am literally (as in I can feel it happening as I type) on the verge of a panic attack just thinking about it. So that leaves me either standing around in the hopes that someone will try to talk to or hit on me, or standing around alone as I order a load of drinks.
3) What if something happens to me? What if I'm kidnapped or attacked on the way home with no one knowing where I am? And what if they do end up finding out where I was? "Last seen at a gay club, possibly looking for a bit of ass."
4) What if someone does take an interest in me but I'm too socially dense to pick up on the signals? I look like an absolute bitch just because I thought surely that guy isn't interested in me? Or what if I think someone is interested and I'm way off the mark?
5) Are they likely to start asking about my life? What I do for a living or for fun? There is probably only so long you can deflect conversation away from yourself. Maybe overly loud music would save me here.
6) God, and what if someone does take pity on me and takes me back to their's? It's not so much sleeping with a stranger. Lord knows I have done that enough now to be used to the stranger part (I say like an expert with just over 10 notches on my bedpost). It's the whole getting naked and sleeping with someone. Which hasn't gotten easier. What if I looked better in the club's lightning? What if they get me home and change their mind? What if they don't? And I wake up with a strange man and have to deal with the morning after? In a stranger's home? Do I expect breakfast? Is he going to try to rush me out as soon as he can? Will I even get to have a shower?
7) What if no one takes any pity? What if I put myself out there instead, neck my drink and go hit on someone? Actually take the initiative? And what if I get shot down right there in front of everyone? I took it bad enough alone at home in front of a computer. There's a reason I never put myself out there like that, not enough courage to deal with the rejection (that and the constant expectation that I'll just get rejected if I try).
Writing these thought out kind of helped a bit. That's one of the points of writing them down, to see them outside of the context of my racing mind. And think of answers and alternate ways of looking at them. They look silly when seen there in black and white. If going home with someone is that daunting when the time comes, I can bring out the old "no, thanks" again. Not tonight. Maybe another time. If you're not willing to try again some other day, it's probably not much of a loss. And if I'm turned down if I try to hit on someone, is that really so awful? Unless the person makes a scene of it, it's not the end of the world. There will be more people out there, most of who will have been in those shoes before. And if they did put on a show like that, I think I would have probably dodged one of those man-eating bitchy queens.
Thursday, 8 March 2012
"So have you got any other pics?"
I dread hearing this phrase. It's a throwback to my dislike of any pictures of myself. There are no pictures of me from the age of around 10 to early 20s. The sole one that was taken of me, when I was 15 by someone with an instant camera, was promptly torn up by me.
I'm a little better with it now, but it still is a struggle. It usually takes about 30 pictures to get 1 that I'm happy with. I am trying to get past this, to not think of my face as more befitting Parisian bell towers than a photo frame. There's rough days, but I think I'm getting there. Looking at myself in a mirror doesn't elicit recoils of horror each and every time, for a start.
But no one asking for "other pics" are looking for some nice pictures of a guy's face, are they? It's the rest of you from the neck down they are interested in. And while I might be happier with the occasional mug shot, full body is still some ways off free and easy picture taking. I look at myself in the mirror and see only the stuff I wish was different. Wish I weighted 20 pounds less. Wish I were more defined or toned. Wish I didn't have so much hair there. Wish I didn't have any hair right here. Wish I was a big taller, that my legs were longer, didn't carry weight the way I do.
A lot of these are things that can be changed, though. Unwanted hair? There's a bunch of ways to get rid of that. Weight can be lost, muscle can be built. Fix stuff like posture and maybe you can be a tiny bit taller. All this can be hard work, especially if you have trouble getting started (like this guy right here). But change is possible. That's kind of my motto now. Words I'm trying my hardest to live by. I'm not completely stuck being who I used to be.
There are practical benefits to things like losing weight and building muscle (better health, being stronger day to day, more energy). But being honest with myself was a point of this blog. And in all honesty, being able to click that reply button as I send a bunch of photos in various states of undress with a bit of confidence and not prefacing it with apologetic snivelling about having "some extra weight, hope that's not a problem" and worrying about my doughy arse spoiling my chance? That is a massive motivation, vain as it is.
I'm a little better with it now, but it still is a struggle. It usually takes about 30 pictures to get 1 that I'm happy with. I am trying to get past this, to not think of my face as more befitting Parisian bell towers than a photo frame. There's rough days, but I think I'm getting there. Looking at myself in a mirror doesn't elicit recoils of horror each and every time, for a start.
But no one asking for "other pics" are looking for some nice pictures of a guy's face, are they? It's the rest of you from the neck down they are interested in. And while I might be happier with the occasional mug shot, full body is still some ways off free and easy picture taking. I look at myself in the mirror and see only the stuff I wish was different. Wish I weighted 20 pounds less. Wish I were more defined or toned. Wish I didn't have so much hair there. Wish I didn't have any hair right here. Wish I was a big taller, that my legs were longer, didn't carry weight the way I do.
A lot of these are things that can be changed, though. Unwanted hair? There's a bunch of ways to get rid of that. Weight can be lost, muscle can be built. Fix stuff like posture and maybe you can be a tiny bit taller. All this can be hard work, especially if you have trouble getting started (like this guy right here). But change is possible. That's kind of my motto now. Words I'm trying my hardest to live by. I'm not completely stuck being who I used to be.
There are practical benefits to things like losing weight and building muscle (better health, being stronger day to day, more energy). But being honest with myself was a point of this blog. And in all honesty, being able to click that reply button as I send a bunch of photos in various states of undress with a bit of confidence and not prefacing it with apologetic snivelling about having "some extra weight, hope that's not a problem" and worrying about my doughy arse spoiling my chance? That is a massive motivation, vain as it is.
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret
What do people mean when they say 'discreet'?
Surely anyone reading this who has used the Internet to hook up with men (I don't know if women say the same thing in their ads, I haven't looked at enough to say) will have seen this.
I guess the easiest thing to do would be to ask the people who put this, but I've never been the most direct person. I assume it's a sex/hook up thing. The way I take it is that you aren't going to be overt about what you're there to do. Like not mincing into the hotel lobby in the campest manner and most fabulous outfit you have and fawning all over the guy when you see them. And not going around telling anyone who will listen to you about the guy you just slept with in great detail. I'd consider myself discreet, using these definitions. (Maybe this blog is pushing the latter part, though.)
Mostly, I wonder if I should put this in mine. And for this blog. I don't really want to go into too much detail about the guys I've been with. I use initials made up of their name and some word to describe them (place they lived, job title, etc.). Keeping any personal details to a minimum. This blog is supposed to be more self-centred, after all.
I might find some way to write it in to my bio online. If I've got it right, it's something that I apply is most areas of my life. And if it gets me laid, all the better.
It's also something I wonder about with this blog. I don't really want it seem like I'm betraying the trust of the people who I've been with. So I try to keep things rather vague. Don't go into much detail about how they look, what they're lives are like, use actual names. This was about being open about myself, not exposing the lives of others.
There's still a lot of aspects on online dating that I need to get used to. Like when people stop replying to you when you message or chat with them. Especially chat, which I've only done once. I had no idea what was going on there, and just thought it was people being rude. And... I still do think it's rude, honestly. At least a "sorry, this isn't going to work out" would suffice. Just stopping the whole conversation dead, especially when they were the ones who initiated it, gets to me a bit. But I have probably appeared exactly the same in the past, at least in regards to messages I've been sent. But most of the time, I've just not been in the mood or state of mind to be meeting people. It's not like I'm off messaging other guys but not this one, I'm usually not answering anyone. Maybe when things have changed and settled down in my life more, I will stop doing that so much.
Surely anyone reading this who has used the Internet to hook up with men (I don't know if women say the same thing in their ads, I haven't looked at enough to say) will have seen this.
I guess the easiest thing to do would be to ask the people who put this, but I've never been the most direct person. I assume it's a sex/hook up thing. The way I take it is that you aren't going to be overt about what you're there to do. Like not mincing into the hotel lobby in the campest manner and most fabulous outfit you have and fawning all over the guy when you see them. And not going around telling anyone who will listen to you about the guy you just slept with in great detail. I'd consider myself discreet, using these definitions. (Maybe this blog is pushing the latter part, though.)
Mostly, I wonder if I should put this in mine. And for this blog. I don't really want to go into too much detail about the guys I've been with. I use initials made up of their name and some word to describe them (place they lived, job title, etc.). Keeping any personal details to a minimum. This blog is supposed to be more self-centred, after all.
I might find some way to write it in to my bio online. If I've got it right, it's something that I apply is most areas of my life. And if it gets me laid, all the better.
It's also something I wonder about with this blog. I don't really want it seem like I'm betraying the trust of the people who I've been with. So I try to keep things rather vague. Don't go into much detail about how they look, what they're lives are like, use actual names. This was about being open about myself, not exposing the lives of others.
There's still a lot of aspects on online dating that I need to get used to. Like when people stop replying to you when you message or chat with them. Especially chat, which I've only done once. I had no idea what was going on there, and just thought it was people being rude. And... I still do think it's rude, honestly. At least a "sorry, this isn't going to work out" would suffice. Just stopping the whole conversation dead, especially when they were the ones who initiated it, gets to me a bit. But I have probably appeared exactly the same in the past, at least in regards to messages I've been sent. But most of the time, I've just not been in the mood or state of mind to be meeting people. It's not like I'm off messaging other guys but not this one, I'm usually not answering anyone. Maybe when things have changed and settled down in my life more, I will stop doing that so much.
Sunday, 4 March 2012
The Outsider
I've been making a conscious effort to reconnect with people I started to get to know but fell out of touch with. That's a lot of people, to be honest. Including anyone I write about here.
These attempts haven't had the desired outcome so far. Either people not remembering me, or just not seeming interested.
It makes me wonder about how many little lies people have told me, and how easily I believed them. Things like how they'd like to meet up again, things like that. I say "easily believed" but I'm not sure if I really did believe them. I think I probably doubted how sincere they were being, even if I wanted to believe they were being truthful. It was probably just me being naive. Really most were just looking to fuck and that was it. "We should do this again sometime" has as much weight as a mindlessly thrown out "how are you?"
At the heart of it is kind of this notion of having to either trust everyone or no one. Look at it rationally and you know it doesn't make sense. But it's still hard to move from 'no one' to, not the other extreme of 'everyone', but a more realistic middle ground. Sometimes people are going to say things (or not say others) for the sake of being polite. Sometimes they are going to lie. I've lied, although usually only about myself (and even then just to cover for the aspects of my current life that I feel ashamed to admit). It doesn't always matter, it's not always a big deal.
But lately, it just seems like attempting to open up more just leads to hurt.
These attempts haven't had the desired outcome so far. Either people not remembering me, or just not seeming interested.
It makes me wonder about how many little lies people have told me, and how easily I believed them. Things like how they'd like to meet up again, things like that. I say "easily believed" but I'm not sure if I really did believe them. I think I probably doubted how sincere they were being, even if I wanted to believe they were being truthful. It was probably just me being naive. Really most were just looking to fuck and that was it. "We should do this again sometime" has as much weight as a mindlessly thrown out "how are you?"
At the heart of it is kind of this notion of having to either trust everyone or no one. Look at it rationally and you know it doesn't make sense. But it's still hard to move from 'no one' to, not the other extreme of 'everyone', but a more realistic middle ground. Sometimes people are going to say things (or not say others) for the sake of being polite. Sometimes they are going to lie. I've lied, although usually only about myself (and even then just to cover for the aspects of my current life that I feel ashamed to admit). It doesn't always matter, it's not always a big deal.
But lately, it just seems like attempting to open up more just leads to hurt.
Friday, 2 March 2012
Learn To Take A Compliment
"You're really handsome. I know you don't believe that, but you are."
C.R. said this to me while we were lying in his bed taking a break between sex. I never told him that I didn't think I was, but I guess he picked up on the fact that I don't. I must not hide these things as well as I'd hope, or maybe it's harder to hide things when you've that exposed. I get a bit too honest at times like that.
Posting quotes like this, I can't help but think it all looks like I'm trying to boast about it. Or fishing for compliments, which is unlikely when the only picture here is a headless Greek statue and I give no links to sites that might be showing more.
Probably because I grew up telling myself the opposite, how unattractive I am and of all the flaws I saw in myself, and the only time I remember hearing different was from a cleaner at my second high school making some comment about how I'd be handsome when I grew up. Which was nice of her, but I didn't believe her. So there's always some discomfort whenever people give me praise. I have had my picture online (socially and specifically when looking for men) and people have called me good-looking. But I find some way to dismiss it. The guys probably just say that to everyone, they just want to fuck. The women are probably just being polite.
Headless Greek statue fits nicely with what I wanted from this blog. Partly because it goes with the Greek name of the blog (though it's a statue of Hermes; apparently there are no statues of Ameinias for Google Images to show me). But also because I wanted it to be more about the emotional, internal side of things than the external, physical. More about what's going on inside my mind than my external appearance.
But I want to reach the point of self-confidence where someone telling me I look handsome or cute or hot doesn't arouse a feeling of discomfort inside me. I want my response to be an honest and casual 'thanks', rather than a forced 'thanks' used to cover up my disbelieve at their sincerity, or silence and turning my head away. Having that confidence would help me live life how I want it.
It's been a bit of a trial on the road to that acceptance. There's days when I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see despite there being some things I'd rather were different. But there's the other days when I'm back to the old ways of thinking. Today has been one of the good days, even if I don't feel great all around.
C.R. said this to me while we were lying in his bed taking a break between sex. I never told him that I didn't think I was, but I guess he picked up on the fact that I don't. I must not hide these things as well as I'd hope, or maybe it's harder to hide things when you've that exposed. I get a bit too honest at times like that.
Posting quotes like this, I can't help but think it all looks like I'm trying to boast about it. Or fishing for compliments, which is unlikely when the only picture here is a headless Greek statue and I give no links to sites that might be showing more.
Probably because I grew up telling myself the opposite, how unattractive I am and of all the flaws I saw in myself, and the only time I remember hearing different was from a cleaner at my second high school making some comment about how I'd be handsome when I grew up. Which was nice of her, but I didn't believe her. So there's always some discomfort whenever people give me praise. I have had my picture online (socially and specifically when looking for men) and people have called me good-looking. But I find some way to dismiss it. The guys probably just say that to everyone, they just want to fuck. The women are probably just being polite.
Headless Greek statue fits nicely with what I wanted from this blog. Partly because it goes with the Greek name of the blog (though it's a statue of Hermes; apparently there are no statues of Ameinias for Google Images to show me). But also because I wanted it to be more about the emotional, internal side of things than the external, physical. More about what's going on inside my mind than my external appearance.
But I want to reach the point of self-confidence where someone telling me I look handsome or cute or hot doesn't arouse a feeling of discomfort inside me. I want my response to be an honest and casual 'thanks', rather than a forced 'thanks' used to cover up my disbelieve at their sincerity, or silence and turning my head away. Having that confidence would help me live life how I want it.
It's been a bit of a trial on the road to that acceptance. There's days when I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see despite there being some things I'd rather were different. But there's the other days when I'm back to the old ways of thinking. Today has been one of the good days, even if I don't feel great all around.
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
Just A Quick Note
Thanks to the few people who have commented here before. Too late to be replying properly now, but it is nice on occasion to see.
CBT
I don't really know how to describe what my absence from updating this has been like. Things like "eventful" or "busy" don't cut it. Just been feeling rather miserable, overall. Actually, "overwhelmed" is the perfect word for it. Overwhelmed by everything, really. The scale of trying to sort one's entire life out, and the pressure of it. I have gotten to the point where I am snappy and short-tempered at the slightest annoyance. I've been at a standstill generally. Not making much progress on any front. But I keep all this frustration shut away inside, which just exasperates the short-temper.
I did turn 26. But that's not particularly something I was looking to celebrate much. And perhaps depressingly, no one else seemed to care much either. But going out there and socialising to meet people who might care is feeling like too much right now.
Of course, I'd love to be hopeful. While it's easy to look at the past year and see everything that went wrong and the time 'wasted' there, I did make some improvements and maybe learnt a bit more about myself. Even if I slipped back on those improvements, I know that I could do it once. But it's the downsides that hit home more. The things I couldn't do and the things that went wrong.
If there is one positive in all this, it may be that I do at least want to have sex. Or find some interest in the idea of it, anyway. The actual act going to find and then sleep with someone, even in the most anonymous of situations, is feeling a bit out of my reach at the moment. But I haven't completely lost the drive or desire, which is a symptom of depression I'm glad not to be experiencing right now.
But these past few weeks, I've found that when I want to have a wank, I put on straight porn. Yet I'm not having any kind of questioning phase (or another one). As time has passed I've just become more certain that I don't really find women sexually attractive. I don't find the sight of a naked woman repulsive or anything melodramatic like that, but it just doesn't arouse any interest in me. I pick what I watched bases solely on the guy.
Perhaps it's because there is this disconnect between what's on screen and my own sex life that I've been watching it instead of anything gay. Otherwise I end up thinking about my own situation, and the worries and anxieties I have about it. But a guy with a girl? That's not a part of my world at all, so it is 'fantasy' for me. Not something real, or likely to be personally real. It's easier to put out of mind the less arousing thoughts that accompany watching something that (even in the most broadest of senses) resembles my own sex life. I've kind of stopped doing it over the past few days. If I keep it up, am I going to end up conditioning myself to only be able to come with straight porn or something? Like all those people with that gay OCD who aren't attracted to men but become fixated on the idea of it and end up distressed over it?
I have no resolutions for this year. Not any I set around this time. If there is one thing I've learnt from the parade of failures that has been my past year (or ten) it's that if you want to change something, you just start right then and there. My resolutions would, sadly, have just been then same as they would have been for years either way.
I have started cognitive behavioural therapy in the last few days, which is the CBT of the title. (The idea of the sexual CBT doesn't do it for me.) It gets to be the title because it's what starting to make me feel a bit hopeful about changing things. It's mostly just been reading lately, but I see a lot of myself in the descriptions of errors in thinking and such. I've wrote before about worrying about how I look or feel or am preforming during sex (not to mention other avenues of life), which is one of the things it has mentioned. It's not actually a new revelation to me, but it's nice to have something to try to aim for.
I did turn 26. But that's not particularly something I was looking to celebrate much. And perhaps depressingly, no one else seemed to care much either. But going out there and socialising to meet people who might care is feeling like too much right now.
Of course, I'd love to be hopeful. While it's easy to look at the past year and see everything that went wrong and the time 'wasted' there, I did make some improvements and maybe learnt a bit more about myself. Even if I slipped back on those improvements, I know that I could do it once. But it's the downsides that hit home more. The things I couldn't do and the things that went wrong.
If there is one positive in all this, it may be that I do at least want to have sex. Or find some interest in the idea of it, anyway. The actual act going to find and then sleep with someone, even in the most anonymous of situations, is feeling a bit out of my reach at the moment. But I haven't completely lost the drive or desire, which is a symptom of depression I'm glad not to be experiencing right now.
But these past few weeks, I've found that when I want to have a wank, I put on straight porn. Yet I'm not having any kind of questioning phase (or another one). As time has passed I've just become more certain that I don't really find women sexually attractive. I don't find the sight of a naked woman repulsive or anything melodramatic like that, but it just doesn't arouse any interest in me. I pick what I watched bases solely on the guy.
Perhaps it's because there is this disconnect between what's on screen and my own sex life that I've been watching it instead of anything gay. Otherwise I end up thinking about my own situation, and the worries and anxieties I have about it. But a guy with a girl? That's not a part of my world at all, so it is 'fantasy' for me. Not something real, or likely to be personally real. It's easier to put out of mind the less arousing thoughts that accompany watching something that (even in the most broadest of senses) resembles my own sex life. I've kind of stopped doing it over the past few days. If I keep it up, am I going to end up conditioning myself to only be able to come with straight porn or something? Like all those people with that gay OCD who aren't attracted to men but become fixated on the idea of it and end up distressed over it?
I have no resolutions for this year. Not any I set around this time. If there is one thing I've learnt from the parade of failures that has been my past year (or ten) it's that if you want to change something, you just start right then and there. My resolutions would, sadly, have just been then same as they would have been for years either way.
I have started cognitive behavioural therapy in the last few days, which is the CBT of the title. (The idea of the sexual CBT doesn't do it for me.) It gets to be the title because it's what starting to make me feel a bit hopeful about changing things. It's mostly just been reading lately, but I see a lot of myself in the descriptions of errors in thinking and such. I've wrote before about worrying about how I look or feel or am preforming during sex (not to mention other avenues of life), which is one of the things it has mentioned. It's not actually a new revelation to me, but it's nice to have something to try to aim for.
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