Not With You

3 months, that's a fairly long break and another unplanned one. Though I've been pretty busy lately with a few things to sort out, a lot of it is probably down to not having much to write about here nor having the motivation to write much. The biggest issue, and I use that word in the most negative sense I can, would be T.N. who I mentioned before without a proper title.

This was the night I mentioned in the "PEP: Final" post, he was the guy I was with in the bar. The two most salient parts of the night were in the bar. Me and Red Shirt. When T.N. came back and Red backed off, that really got to me. It is kind of rude to be getting off with someone and leaving a friend there on his own, but still. I wondered in my head, does he think we're a couple? It has happened a lot over the past month or so. People keep asking if we're an item now.

We're not. Chances of that happening? I wouldn't get my hopes up. Shame that T.N. already has. I'm pretty easy-going as far as taste in men goes, but sorry T.N., you're not one of them. One of the guys who asked us that? I would. With little hesitation, I would go with him.

And is this perception costing me opportunities to date men I might actually be interested in? Did Red back off because he didn't want to be making out with me in front of what he thought was my partner?

It was his badgering me about dating him that is starting to ruin things for me, even as a friend. While I was playing pool, he texted someone and told them he might have a potential boyfriend. Me. No. No, you bloody well don't. Not in me. Yet I don't deny I might be to blame for leading him on. Because I went to bed with him a couple of times. I guess I just wanted to have sex again, or at least be in bed with a guy. It was usually after a night out, when I was drunk, ending up back at his (mostly because he didn't even try to get me to my home and went straight to his) and then in his bed. Nothing really special to write about, except he did try to fuck me. Didn't work because he couldn't keep an erection with a condom on. "We'll have to find some way around that, if you're okay with that." Yeah, I didn't like the sound of that. One of the things I dislike about him is how he can phrase things in such opaque ways that I don't know what he's trying to say.

So back on the night with Red. I have a nice bit of a kiss with a handsome stranger. I'm nearly sick in the toilet, and feeling like shit. I decide to go home. Lucky for me, the bus stop is right outside this pub. Only T.N. has other ideas. He doesn't want to send me off home on my own. Says it is for my sake, didn't want to leave me in my state. I'm not really sure about all that now, to tell you the truth. I don't really have much faith in his motives towards me.

So a few minutes later, I'm on a taxi on the way to his house again. Then straight to bed. I want to just sleep, but that didn't really happen. He's doing most of the work, I am on my stomach praying not to vomit and hoping he will quit it soon enough. Then he starts feeling around my arse. Not the best situation, but I like being felt up. Then he tries to stick his cock in me. No warning or asking permission, no condom, not even any lube. 'Tries' is the operative word here, as it didn't work. It's tricky fucking me with prep, just ramming it in is only going to be painful. Which it was. At that point I recoil, draw my legs up and hide myself. This was after the whole barebacking thing, which I was still waiting to get my final blood tests done. And here's a guy, who I thought was a friend, just trying to shove his dick in me like that without even asking. In a way, it was worse than with M.B.: that time I had fucked him first, we were in the middle of having sex when he topped me. And he had the decency to use a lot of lube.

This, on the other hand, was just horrible. At this point, I end up having a panic attack. This is a first for me. I have had them in other situations, but never during sex. But it was the worst possible timing for this to have happened. I was still working through the whole PEP ordeal, still not completely comfortable with sex again, and now I was potentially in the same place again. In the cold reflection of hindsight, I was putting it on a bit. I wanted him to feel bad about it, honestly. I think the panic attack must have lasted about ten to fifteen minutes. I was crying a bit towards the end. That is another thing that's never happened before, crying during a panic attack. Then he starts crying. Eventually I calm down, he feels bad, we go to sleep.

The next morning, although I haven't really forgiven him, I let him touch me again. More because I wanted the physical contact even if it was from him. He kept asking (nay, badgering some more) for me to kiss him. And I was really reluctant to. Me, who normally really likes kissing. Who kisses strangers in pubs if I get half a chance. Who kissed every person I slept with, even if they weren't getting into it. And I'm turning my head away. Because it finally means something different. This isn't random bar guy kisses, or during sex kisses. This is the kind you'd do with someone you care about. And T.N. isn't that man. Another thing he pestered me about was letting him suck me off. Eventually, motivated by I don't even know what, I let him on that morning. It was actually the first time since the first time I ever had sex that I ejaculated because of sex. The way he kept saying 'thank you' afterwards made me want to leave even more.

As horrible as it sounds, 'snivelling' is how I saw it. If I didn't already have zero interest in dating him, his demeanour wasn't helping his case. Guess it is some mix of discomfort given what had happened and a dislike for that sort of grovelling behaviour. That was the last time I went to bed with him, and the last I have even been to his home. He has invited me a bunch of times, but I've turned him down. Right now I'm not sure if I would ever go back. At least not until he gets over me.

But I don't know if that has happened yet. I've fallen out with him in a big way. He told me once that he thought he found his soul mate, and I just cringed. I don't really believe in that sort of stuff, but especially not when you only know someone as superficially as he knows me. He would always say how we really understood each other, and I wondered who exactly he was thinking of when he said these things because it's obviously not the same reality I see.

I had gone out to the same bar I'd met Red in afterwards. All of our interactions since have had this kind of strained tension to them. This was thankfully broken somewhat when some people he knew came in, including P+D. I welcomed the interruption, and ended up playing pool with P. But while I was, I heard 'the guy in the hat?' from the corner he was in. I was the only person wearing a hat there. I am not entirely sure if I didn't glare at him with that, because it sounded like another assumption about what our relationship is and I didn't trust him to clarify or deny it.

He told me once that I could move in with him but that I would have to be his boyfriend. I'd told him I'd wanted to move, and it all felt like he was using something I wanted to bargain with me. He said we could have an open relationship, but that I couldn't bring men back to his house. I can't see much hope when your strategy for getting someone into a romantic relationship with you involves 'you can sleep with other people' before it has even started, without me even stating any interest in that at all.

But maybe it's just that at point, pretty much everything about him I find off-putting and unattractive. His voice and the way he speaks, the way he carries himself, how he sees things.

There was a period where I wasn't speaking to him nor he to me, which I thought would make things awkward considering most of the people I've been socialising with lately know him as well and have known him for longer than they've known me. I figured if something major happened, I'd be the one to lose out. He eventually started talking to me again, but I've been intentionally distant with him since. I try not to be left alone with him if I can help it. I leave places a little earlier so I'm not left being the last one there with just him, make quick exits if it looks like I'll be walking to the bus alone with him. Another friend had a word with him about how he'd been treating me. He was being a bit of a dick at one point. And truthfully I'm a dick to him because I don't trust his intentions towards me to be friendly, rather than wanting something more that I'm not ever going to give him.

Since then I asked out a mutual acquaintance but was turned down as he was seeing someone else. I was drunk at the time, which made me a bit braver and less cautious than I'd normally be. I am disappointed, in a way happy I took the risk for a change, but not sure how to deal with him after this. I was out with him the other day but didn't get to speak with him that much, and then he met up with this guy and I went home before he rejoined the group. After thinking on it with a sober mind, I'm not in a place where I'd be happy with dating at the moment anyway. There's a lot of other things in my life that I'd like to sort out first. But I wanted to make that step forward.

I'm hoping that T.N. will get over me and move on soon. I wouldn't let that stop me, either way.