PEP: Final

This has been a long time in the making. Or would have been had I actually been writing it, but rather I have just had a lot going on that I haven't really had the time or motivation to sit down and write something here. This isn't particularly the kind of thing I can just sit down and write anywhere (not that I have the ability for that either way), I need to get into the right state mentally for it.

To cut to the chase: I was at the clinic this morning for the results of my last blood test. All good news, all negative (including others like syphilis, Hep B which I'm currently being inoculated for again since the last course of injections didn't take, and one other I missed the name of because I was spaced out a bit). There was a very literal sigh of relief upon hearing that. As I walked home, in the miserable rain currently causing havoc here, my mood didn't quite match the weather. I walked around the city centre to pick up some things and put the whole situation out of my mind, but walking along the road home alone I got back to thinking about a couple of things.

One of which being, would I recommend PEP to people? I instantly balked at how I phrased that to myself. It's not some choice of food or a consumer product you rate and rank, it's serious medicine with an important function. In a sense I would 'recommend' it. If it is something you're concerned about, HIV transmission, then it is more or less the only thing you can do after the fact, at least for the time being. That being said, I would say know what you're getting into. Some people, like myself at one point, had the mistaken idea it was a quick pill you take. It's not. It's a month of half a dozen (or more) pills that have some pretty unpleasant side-effects. It's not an easy ride, which leads to people giving it up sometimes. You have to be prepared to put up with feeling like shit for a while, in addition to the routine you need to keep in taking the pills. And even then it's not a guarantee that you'll come out fine on the other side. There's a high percentage that it will work, but there's still about 25% it won't. And it isn't something you can take over and over. It has the same toll on the body as medicine for HIV patients (being just that, exactly the same), which some people don't react well to. And from what I have heard, they won't keep prescribing it to you. You might get it twice, but after that they will be reluctant to keep providing it. I don't know how useful my account of this can be, despite first-hand experience, but if anything good can come from this blog hopefully telling this (even to the faceless Internet and any strangers who happen upon it through Google) then that would be another positive from this whole thing.

The second thought was about how I would internalise this event. I considered a couple of ways. There was the socially responsible and healthy stance, that this was a mistake I learn a lesson from and never allow it to happen again. But then there were less than sensible ones. What if I took the outcome as an excuse to think that it was all worrying for nothing, that I could run off and do it again and be fine because I was fine this time? That wasn't really a view I held, maybe an idea I toyed with for a few moments, but never held with any conviction. It is just a negative image of myself I need to get over, that I will make the wrong choices for me and won't be able to help myself.

Admitted, the whole situation (and others in recent weeks) have kind of put me off sex a bit. I've been to bed with a guy a couple of times, but it wasn't the best of times or circumstances or company. Subject for another post, really.

To be honest, the only time I have felt remotely eager to have sex was about three or four weeks back. I was in a bar with a guy I know after a day out with a group, played pool while these two guys watched. I had been drinking since mid-afternoon (including a double whiskey for £10 which I instantly regretted at that price; I don't even like whiskey that much) and was feeling it. I lost 2 games to 1, and went to sit down in a little booth-like alcove. Sitting turned to laying down before long. One of the guys who was watching the pool, wearing a red shirt, before came to see if I was okay. I said I was just drunk, he gave me a quick kiss and left back to his friend. When the guy I was with left to get drinks (why he was buying drinks for someone so clearly wasted I do not know) he came back again to check up on me. And for a longer kiss. Which was nice. I have to admit, kissing is probably one of the things I like doing most. I am sure I have probably said it before here, but I hate sleeping with people who don't kiss. I find it really off-putting. I'm told (a fair bit, actually) that I'm rather good at it, though I have no idea why or what I am doing that's special. I guess I am just a 'natural' at it. But I was enjoying kissing this guy, and cursing myself for having gotten this drunk. He was older than me, he actually mentioned his age but don't ask me to remember (late 30's or a bit higher), and rather cute. It was at this point the guy I was with came back with more drinks, and me and Red Shirt stopped.

It actually annoyed me a fair bit, but I will write more about that some other time. I end up going to the toilets, nearly throwing up, and the rest of the night is pretty bad. But I really wished, for the first time in a while, that I could do more with this guy. I went back there earlier this week, with the faint hope that he'd be there (he wasn't, the place was all but dead). If I see him again, I hope he will remember me and maybe we can pick up from where we left off. But honestly, there is a part of me that's anxious. Worried that each time I have sex it will be like M.B., someone pushing me into something I don't want to do. Thinking that I can't really trust people. That I just want something different that every other gay guy wants these days, that everyone wants to be out barebacking every time and I don't. (I know logically that's not true, and I know guys who don't want that. But I never claimed to be a logical thinker all the time.)

***

Two weeks ago I had another appointment at the clinic. I thought that was the date I was due to have my blood taken. Apparently it wasn't, so I had to reschedule for a week later. So last week I was back and losing two vials of blood. But I saw one of the health advisors before I left, though not the guy I had been talking to the past few times (Top Cat—I forgot his real name when they asked me; couldn't very well say to the nurse "I just call him T.C."). The main thing I took from the conversation with her, which tied in nicely with some other stuff that had been discussed around me previously and that I brought up myself, was that the only person who is always going to be there for you is you yourself. You're the only defender you can rely on to always be around when you need it. It's a case of treating yourself like you're worth protecting, and like you do have the right to put what you want for yourself.

I grew up letting other people make a lot of my choices for me, letting people speak for me even if I didn't want them to or they said something completely opposite to what I truly felt. But people aren't always going to have your best interests at heart. They might not know what you want. They might not care. Their values could be totally different from yours. Especially in fleeting encounters like casually fucking someone you don't even know, you just don't know. So that's when you have to step up for yourself. For what you want, the life you want to lead, the person you want to be.

Sitting in that room, with another week ahead of me waiting for my results, I decided that I have to be the one who stands up for me. I don't want to keep getting dragged through life doing what other people want of me. Obviously there is a balance, you can't completely have your own way all the time. But there are times when you need to stand your ground and say what you want, or don't. I told the advisor I was about 50/50 on my ability to do that right now. But 50/50 is still good. It's half way there.