Gay Bar

I've never once been to a gay bar, or any other gay-oriented venue, in my life.

M.N., a guy nearby who I've been with a couple of times, said I'd probably be 'eaten alive' at one by bitchy queens. Admittedly, bitchy queens are a demographic I would much rather avoid. I will make the occasional catty remark, but not to a person's face and in general I try to keep civil. What's the point in spoiling someone else's evening for no real reason? I think he was probably referring to me being overly quiet and reserved. And at the risk of 'mind reading' (which I am trying to severely cut back on), maybe that came across as weak-willed and not likely to put up much of a fight to him. I don't speak up enough, but that's because I'm not happy with my voice and have yet to work on it.

I know where a couple of gay venues are in this town. One is a 'straight friendly' one, the other more traditionally gay. The straight friendly one, from the photos they have online, seems pretty much like a straight club right down to the photos of men and women feeling each other up. I don't know much about the other yet, other than it's open during the day as a bar and I am now liable to run into someone I know there. I've only had a relatively short gay career so far, about 2 years at the most. So I don't know that many people. I might be more likely to spot or be spotted by someone who has seen my profile online.

But this is where the trouble starts. Do I want to wait for someone to invite me there and actually follow through on their offer? Or do I just go alone? I have actually never been to a nightclub in my life either. Just never really cared for the idea. Sensitive to loud noises, you see. Music blasted out at high volume just makes me feel stressed and spoils my mood. Even people with the TV too loud winds me up. But having never been, I don't know what the standard audio level for clubs is. Maybe it's just right. (It's going to depend on the club, obviously. Some care more than others.)

Drugs is another. This is possibly a naive view, with a bit too much influence from fearmongering public campaigns about the dangers of drugs in nightclubs. But it's just not something I am interested in trying, at least not in a venue like that. And maybe it is just the old fearful part of me trying to put me off going. Excluding 'date rape' type scenarios, I doubt anyone would be pushing drugs down the necks of random strangers who aren't paying for them. A simple "no, cheers" would be enough to put an end to the situation, surely.

But I guess the biggest, especially for someone anxious about social events, is the 'going alone' part. I can see the benefits of it. If by some stroke of luck I happen to pull, I'm not going to be leaving anyone in the lurch by going home with the guy. But I can see a lot of downsides and potential pitfalls to it.

1) What are people going to think of me, all on my own like that? Is it going to look like I am just trawling for sex? Do people who go to clubs alone look like weirdos and freaks?
2) If I go there alone, then what? If there's no one I know, I am going to be in a room surrounded by strangers. Am I supposed to go up to a random people and try to start up a conversation? I am literally (as in I can feel it happening as I type) on the verge of a panic attack just thinking about it. So that leaves me either standing around in the hopes that someone will try to talk to or hit on me, or standing around alone as I order a load of drinks.
3) What if something happens to me? What if I'm kidnapped or attacked on the way home with no one knowing where I am? And what if they do end up finding out where I was? "Last seen at a gay club, possibly looking for a bit of ass."
4) What if someone does take an interest in me but I'm too socially dense to pick up on the signals? I look like an absolute bitch just because I thought surely that guy isn't interested in me? Or what if I think someone is interested and I'm way off the mark?
5) Are they likely to start asking about my life? What I do for a living or for fun? There is probably only so long you can deflect conversation away from yourself. Maybe overly loud music would save me here.
6) God, and what if someone does take pity on me and takes me back to their's? It's not so much sleeping with a stranger. Lord knows I have done that enough now to be used to the stranger part (I say like an expert with just over 10 notches on my bedpost). It's the whole getting naked and sleeping with someone. Which hasn't gotten easier. What if I looked better in the club's lightning? What if they get me home and change their mind? What if they don't? And I wake up with a strange man and have to deal with the morning after? In a stranger's home? Do I expect breakfast? Is he going to try to rush me out as soon as he can? Will I even get to have a shower?
7) What if no one takes any pity? What if I put myself out there instead, neck my drink and go hit on someone? Actually take the initiative? And what if I get shot down right there in front of everyone? I took it bad enough alone at home in front of a computer. There's a reason I never put myself out there like that, not enough courage to deal with the rejection (that and the constant expectation that I'll just get rejected if I try).

Writing these thought out kind of helped a bit. That's one of the points of writing them down, to see them outside of the context of my racing mind. And think of answers and alternate ways of looking at them. They look silly when seen there in black and white. If going home with someone is that daunting when the time comes, I can bring out the old "no, thanks" again. Not tonight. Maybe another time. If you're not willing to try again some other day, it's probably not much of a loss. And if I'm turned down if I try to hit on someone, is that really so awful? Unless the person makes a scene of it, it's not the end of the world. There will be more people out there, most of who will have been in those shoes before. And if they did put on a show like that, I think I would have probably dodged one of those man-eating bitchy queens.